does anybody know where my brain is???!

i still receive emails from one of my old class groups on yahoo.
i dont know why i dont just take myself off the mailing list.
i guess its kind of funny to see all these random people freak out in my email.
subjects such as: "I lost my study guide!!! please help!" or "Did anybody do the reading for chapter 5???"
multiple punctuation always tells me that it is a rather pressing matter.
sometimes i think about replying with fake information.
but that would be mean.
maybe i could reply with a happy email, or a nice relaxing one. like "hey don't worry about that study guide, im sure somebody will help you out."
but then they'd probably think i was this crazy girl who hadn't taken herself off the mailing list yet.

horny tunes

i think its funny that i used to watch a cartoon about a skunk that was always trying to fuck a cat.

some confessions

i have the fear of "fucking things up" sometimes, and im pretty sure having that feeling ups the chances of it happening

dont let me fuck it up.

im not one of those "i dont give a fuck and i dont care what people think" types. i do give a fuck, and if i care enough about you, then i do care what you think.

i swear too much.

i get hurt by things that i do to other people, so when it happens to me i think "well you do it too" so i dont feel that i have the right to be upset.

i take some things personally when i shouldnt

i dont know how to ride a bike very well. i need to get over that.

"i only make jokes to distract myself from the truth", yeah thats actually from a song but i feel the same way.

i am very messy and unorganized and i dont know if i see this changing for awhile. my mom claims to have been the same way, but when i see her filing cabinets, im not so sure.

i have a dorky interest in astrology.

i feel accomplished when i make someone laugh.

i dont want to get married for awhile. if/when i do i want everyone to be drunk and dancing at my wedding. i dont care about floral arrangements really, i care about everyone else having fun.

when we were breaking up and you said to me "you'll never find someone like me again!" i thought, well isnt that the point?

i am terrible about spending money.

id like to think that i give good advice.

i havent painted in a long time.

i put everything off until the last minute, i fear for my brain when midterms come.

i have a sweet tooth. i also wondered why it's only one tooth. "I have sweet teeth" i guess could be intepreted as "I have awesome teeth."

I have pretty nice teeth.

i feel bad that i cant really talk to my dad about school because im not really interested in the classes im taking now.

i tend to apologize, not necessarily when i have to, just to clear the air or make things more comfortable.

you intrigue me, and i like it. i hope its mutual

theres a guy who smokes crack in the underground parking lot at my apartment building.

this is getting too long, so i think i will stop.

"Thank you for releasing all those fuckers from my life"

i think this guy really has a way with words..i love all the imagery in this, its beautiful.

The Kurosawa Champagne- Derrick Brown

Tonight
your body shook,
hurling your nightmares
back to Cambodia.

Your nightgown wisped off
into Ursula Minor.

I was left here on earth feeling alone,
paranoid about the Rapture.

Tonight
I think it is safe to say we drank way too much.
Must I apologize for the volume in my slobber?
Must I apologize for the best dance moves ever?
No.

Booze is my tuition to clown college.


We swerved home on black laughter.
bleeding from forgettable boxing.

I asked you to sleep in the shape of a trench
so that I might know shelter.

I drew the word surrender in the mist of your breath,
waving a white sheet around your body.

I said,
"In the morning, dear, let me put on your make-up for you.
I’ll be loading your gems with mascara
then I’ll tell you the truth…"

I watched black ropes and tears ramble down your face.

Lady war paint.

A squad of tiny men rappels down those snaking lines
and you say;
“Thank you for releasing all those fuckers from my life.”

You have a daily pill case.
There are no pills inside.
It holds the ashes of people who died

…the moment they saw you.

The cinema we built was to play the greats
but we could never afford the power
so in the dark cinema
you painted pictures of Kurosawa.

I just stared at you like Orson Welles,
getting fat off your style.

You are a movie that keeps exploding.
You are Dante’s fireplace.

We were so broke,
I’d pour tap water into your mouth,
burp against your lips
so you could have champagne.

You love champagne.

Sparring in the candlelight, I said to you

"Listen—
the mathematical equivalent of a woman’s beauty
is directly relational
to the amount or degree
other women hate her."

You, dear, are hated. A lot.

Your boots are a soundtrack to adultery.
Thank God your feet fall in the rhythm of loyalty.

I said,
"If this thing kills me, this feeling,
why don't you slice me open julienne
uncurl my veins
and fashion yourself a noose
so I can hold you
once more."

so i think the end of the video is a bit creepy, but thats alright.

cosmic jacuzzi

i've always liked this video

i suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal

shoulding

i should:

be working on all the homework i have this week, especially since its shamrina's birthday soon and other special things.

assemble this computer chair that has remained in its box for awhile now.
i actually used it as a table, which i guess is kind of defeating the whole chair purpose.

be getting some sleep, because i can feel that oh shit im getting/going to be sick feeling.

clean my room, as it is a terrible mess and im kinda embarrassed when my room mate walks by.

talk to my room mate more. i talked to her and her friend for a long time today, and it was nice.

be more social like that. i have a tendency to just escape to my room sometimes.

figure out what to do about my laptop situation.

pick up that awesome poster i ordered.

buy some better food, or perhaps learn how to cook, but the first one is more likely.

be better about texting/ calling other people back.

sign up for better classes next year.

write more interesting things than what i should be doing.

go to sleep now.

so

i think its funny i wasnt sure id write in this that much, yet here i am again in the same day.

thank god my creative writing professor mailed me back all my old things from that class.
here's something i wrote last year and posted up on myspace a couple of times, only to delete it after feeling kinda embarrassed for posting it. but i think i will just keep it here..

Are You Okay?





   
   "Are you okay?" he asked, slightly touching my knee.
No, obviously not, I thought as tears formed mascara moats under my eyes. As his explanations became monotone, my eyes drifted out the window; trees serene & still, gutters filling with melancholy rain, falling & lingering like the lump in my throat, "You have to understand that I'm just not ready for..." dirt becoming mud, air becoming crisp & mossy, grays bleeding into the sky. How hideously romantic this is, I thought. Everything around me was dark, yet awake, calm, yet so alive, "We just weren't meant to be.." The window seemed to be protecting me from the rain & his eyes. If I stared harder through it, I could do the same to him; his speech rolling off me like so many droplets trying to seep in. "You're a great girl, but..." The rain fell more rigidly & his voice rose, as if he needed to speak any louder. I could hear everything before he even opened his mouth. His hand felt weak when I held it earlier, his eyes apologetic, his voice mechanical & uninviting. I felt  his love dying while the rest of the world kept breathing.
   I looked at him now, his eyes that I had been so afraid to look into before, mimicking the greens & grays of the storm outside of this truck, his truck. The one that I looked for on the road, even when he was clearly not going to be there, "Believe me, you can only rely on yourself..." I looked back down at my hands  resting & crumbling on my  jeans. I could not look back into his eyes; it was cruel how lovely they could be, cruel how every smile had been caught under those eyelashes. I felt myself becoming as stiff & icy as the glass around me. "You're just too sensitive..." His heart was rough & scabbed; I  had loved him dearly & at the same time never knew who he was at all. He would tell me the world is harsh, as if I were some child who had just touched a hot stove. I felt this suffocating & sinking view he presented to me creeping in & I became more aware of the truck encasing me, containing me, holding me in. How sad & sorry he must think I am, I thought. I began to roll down the window, rain still loyally pounding on the roof. It steadily spilled onto me, spearing through the leather seat & soaking my clothes. It slapped at my already running makeup & drowned out his horribly logical voice. It was him I felt sorry for though, sitting there untouched by the rain, dry & unimpressed.

dinner and a movie

im trying this out, if i dont like it i guess it will show by the lack of posts. sort of like a first date with my blog or something. im trying to make it more comfortable and use humor to smooth out those awkward moments. i wonder if anybody will actually read this. i wonder about a lot of things.
this year i said i wanted to meet more people. i have, but the whole process can be so discouraging. its hard to put in the effort and put yourself out there when you dont know if youll get the same in return. its hard to make plans and keep them. its hard to make friends and keep them. its hard to keep in touch. its easy to keep out of touch. not like i want to be a hermit, but it appeals to me sometimes.
even if i dont write in this that much, im glad i started something. nice to meet you.