today

talked to a few people today. got some perspective. i understand things better. just when im upset im upset. i let it all out at the moment. i didnt mean to corner you. you do need to relax and breathe all to yourself. you deserve to.
i havent taken my medication in a long time. i took one today and i was really social and pleasant. i know its not supposed to work again in just one day. it was probably a placebo effect but maybe i should start taking them again...i don't think i was that different.
im starting to enjoy my directness more now. i like to get to the point. i feel discouraged because i feel like im too much sometimes and people arent used to how i am, but i figure the right people will enjoy it. one of my new years resolutions was to stop texting so much and to actually use the phone. i called tali and shelbee and amy today and it felt good to actually talk. i called bora too. i know this isnt poetry to the few people who read this, but it is to me

just feel

lame.insecure.choked up.sensitive.nervous.unsure.frustrated.messed up

and full of love

shadows are climbing over us
they collapse into a calming dark
but your eyes say there is light here
your hands say "right here"
frightening are the changing skies
but the colors are so pretty
when the times collide

back in my apartment in san jose

i forgot how tired this place makes me feel

sometimes i question how determined i am. sometimes. my mother is always delighted to tell the story of when i was a very small girl trying to put on my pants. "i stood in the doorway and watched you. do you know how many times you tried to put on your pants? twelve times! and you didn't stop until they were on."
i think there are at least a few areas in my life that need this pants determination
i could list them but nahhh

i walked past a heap of all the trash i've said
no one makes friends with flies
and where does it all go i ask
nowhere but everywhere if you let it

everything stopped growing
patience, appreciation, understanding
and in rebellion,
(because everyone called this planet a mother
but in reality it was a child,
a child who would hug you in earlier days
but started to let go of your hand
when things became about appearance)
she stopped growing too
sour fruits melted into the dirt
branches would crack and split
rain would roll off them with no effect
everything was canned
everything was packaged and frozen
just as we had started to become
but parents would say yes there was a time
and paper would be stacked shamefully
and plastic overflowed and children asked
what a forest was, a garden, a lawnmower,
what are bees and sparrows and seeds
what does dropping like flies mean
and wrinkled faces told you about leaves
and how they were piled or
blown about by loud devices
how they changed color
and crackled under your feet
how they fell without realizing it
but this was only natural
a part of the next cycle

you looked just like a dragon

smoke curls out your nostrils
gray swirls around your teeth
shining fangs rise to blow
clouds from a painting
embers fly from your spit
those eyes flicker
& you look something ferocious
you look something consuming
but i step forward
with my own wounds
i know the pain it took
i know swords in souls
i hear the crackle
of flames put out
i see the bones lying about
but i am brave
i am certain it's right

and in less than an hour i feel much better. so good to see your pretty face!

roast beef sourdough roll, no mustard
corn beef roll, extra mayo lettuce tomato onion
egg salad sandwich, dark rye, lettuce and tomato
g smoke. no pickles or pepperchinis