hah.

we were looking up names on urbandictionary.com and this was one for laura

6.	Laura	64 up, 19 down
	a laura is a being, typically female, with an overall good personality  -lauras generally listen to good music and lack their own form of transportation  -one major flaw some lauras possess is their failure to watch donnie darko as often as they should  -although lauras have some faults, they are typically above average intelligence and liked by most  "dude, did you just see that laura over there?"  "i so did man, i so didddddddd"

"lauras generally listen to good music and lack their own form of transportation" 

im taking the bus/BART home for thanksgiving..yeahhh

and yes i need to get donnie darko.

yeah yeahhhh....

1. Last cigarette: ummmmm like 2 years ago and it was my first one
2. Last beverage: orange juice
3. Last phone call: my mom
4. Last text message: shamrina
5. Last CD played: a cd mix for my shower woo!
6. Last bubble bath: forever ago
7. Last time you cried: hah...when i was on the phone with the tech support lady for my crashed laptop
8. Last meal: teriyaki chicken sandwich with stir fry vegetables

EIGHT Have You’s

1. Have you ever dated someone twice? yes..but i remembered why it didnt work out the first time

2. Have you ever been cheated on? yeah

3. Have you ever bought condoms? nope, they're free in some places you know, condom connections

4. Have you ever kissed someone & regreted it? yes

5. Have you ever fallen in love? yes, there's no "kind of" way to answer that

6. Have you ever lost someone? if this refers to death, i dont think lost is the right word, but yes. 

7. Have you ever been depressed? sure, i think its healthy to have been at one point.

8. Have you ever been drunk and thrown up? woopsie. some nights have not agreed with me.

Name SIX things you did in the past three days

1. went out to thai with shamrina

2. saw ashley's kitten

3. smoking adventures/non adventures

4. talked to my mom for awhile

5. king's cup

6. couch potatoed with some cool people


List THREE people you can tell pretty much anything to
1. shamrina
2. bora
3. mom
List THREE favorite colors
1. turquoise
2. pink
3. black, and dont give me that its not a color business

List TWO things you want to do before you die

1.) have a meaningful career
2.) travel the world with somebody i love

SO FAR IN 08′…

Made a new friend- yesm

Done something you swore never to do - hmm..i think so?

Laughed until you cried -yes, my annual goal

Went behind your parents back - welllll i had a party when they werent there..

Met someone who changed your life - well, a couple of people have given me a new perspective
Gotten close to someone- yeah, its funny to think about there ever being an awkward stage with some people isnt it?

Found out who your true friends were - i definitely think the older you get the more you find out who your true friends are. you meet people and you filter through them over the years and you find the good ones are still sticking around. 

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF……

1. Bush? youve been replaced.

2. Gay Marriage? Love is love.

4. Straight, Gay, Bi? whatever makes you happy

6. Who is the best hugger that you know? hmmm i dont think theres a champion for that title yet. but to all the people who give those pat pat, barely touching, might as well hug a pole hugs, you suck. 

7. Do you believe in love at first sight? if you're seeing with your pants

8. Is there something you want to tell someone? kinda

9. What brand of shirt are you wearing? a comfy one

10. Do you like anybody right now? : }

11. Does anybody like you? do they?

12. How many bf/gfs have you said "I love you" to and meant it? 2

13. How many kids do you want to have? 2 i think...

14. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? i love them with all my heart

15. Do you wanna change your name? nay

16. What will you do for your birthday? umm celebrate the legalization of my intoxication 

17. What time did you wake up today? 10-11

18. What were you doing at midnight last night? couching it up at shamrinas

19. Name something you CANNOT wait to do: i CANNOT wait to come home for thanksgiving

20. Last time you saw your dad? a few weeks ago

21. What is one thing you wish you could change about yourself? i wish i was more motivated sometimes

22. Which hand do you like better? well the left hand came in a close second

23. What are you listening to right now? damien rice

25. Have you ever donated money to a good cause? why yes. but i think ice cream is also a good cause.

26. Have you ever talked about someone behind their back? who hasnt?  ....you bitch

27. Least favorite month? i dunno, february/ march? nothing really happening for me there

28. What’s the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone? ummm i dont remember...maybe i should borrow more things

29. Who’s getting on your nerves right now? my nerves are alright

30. Most visited webpage? spacebook

31. Would you help your best friend fight if he/she is losing? of course

32. Coke or Pepsi? coke

33. What’s the worst day of your life? fuck you question

34. Have you kissed or been kissed by anyone in the past week? i got one of those european kiss kiss face introductions

35. Do you disagree with a lot of things going on in the world? i think you would have to be kind of fucked up if you agreed with a lot of what was going on in the world. 

The Man He Killed

by Thomas Hardy

Had he and I but met    By some old ancient inn, We should have set us down to wet    Right many a nipperkin!     But ranged as infantry,    And staring face to face, I shot at him as he at me,    And killed him in his place.     I shot him dead because—    Because he was my foe, Just so: my foe of course he was;    That's clear enough; although     He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,    Off-hand like—just as I— Was out of work—had sold his traps—    No other reason why.     Yes; quaint and curious war is!    You shoot a fellow down You'd treat, if met where any bar is,    Or help to half a crown. You know when if under different circumstances, you think you could be friends with someone?

this is what your heart tells you to do?

"What is this, to you? Nobody is asking you to embrace their expression of love. But don't you, as human beings, have to embrace... that love? The world is barren enough.

It is stacked against love, and against hope, and against those very few and precious emotions that enable us to go forward. Your marriage only stands a 50-50 chance of lasting, no matter how much you feel and how hard you work.

And here are people overjoyed at the prospect of just that chance, and that work, just for the hope of having that feeling.  With so much hate in the world, with so much meaningless division, and people pitted against people for no good reason, this is what your religion tells you to do? With your experience of life and this world and all its sadnesses, this is what your conscience tells you to do?

With your knowledge that life, with endless vigor, seems to tilt the playing field on which we all live, in favor of unhappiness and hate... this is what your heart tells you to do? You want to sanctify marriage? You want to honor your God and the universal love you believe he represents? Then Spread happiness—this tiny, symbolic, semantical grain of happiness—share it with all those who seek it. "

shamrina showed me this video, and i know some people are saying oh prop 8 passed get over it, but i haveta hope that somebody-anybody would be willing to open their mind just a little more from this. 

"All you need do is stand, and let the tiny ember of love meet its own fate.  

You don't have to help it, you don't have it applaud it, you don't have to fight for it. Just don't put it out. Just don't extinguish it." 

Riding a Bike

     His face is leaning in towards mine, and quite honestly I am terrified. My memory flashes to

when I was about eight years old, riding a bike for the first time. I feel old and useless on this 

rusted bike; all of the other children know how to ride by now and I am just starting. The bike 

looks harmless enough, its fading purple paint and daisy stickers are peeling off and the glittery

handle bars seem inviting. This modest machine, however, would later turn into wheels of 

horror.

   

      I start off timidly, no need to rush. I wobble a couple of feet down my flat and welcoming

driveway, building confidence and speed. I have not yet mastered the brakes as I am still 

dragging my feet on the cement, but I am feeling braver. After a couple hours of practice, I feel

I am ready to ride down the street. I begin to peddle painfully slow, my handle bars and eyes 

sparkling in the sun. I am ready now; I can feel my heart knocking through my chest and the 

stale summer air rushing onto my round cheeks. I am riding a bike! I am riding, riding, riding a

bike! I am going, going, going-to fall.

     A small rock makes my front wheel swerve to the left, and suddenly I am hurtling down my

neighbor's monstrously steep driveway. My honey colored hair is crashing like waves under my 

pink helmet, my breath is violently bouncing out of my lungs, and my small and helpless hands

are digging into the handlebars in glittery terror. After it feels as though I have ridden down a 

cheese grater, I am slammed into my neighbor's garage door. This abrupt ending leaves me 

stunned until I begin to feel the warm flow of reality running out of my nose. The blood is

persistent and steadily leaks through the cracks of my fingers. By the time my mother has come

to help me, my sleeves are damp with crimson and my bike looks as though it has been 

murdered. The mix of tears and blood on my face almost makes me unrecognizable, but that

awful, rusted bike is unmistakably mine.

     He softly brushes his lips to mine and says gently, "Don't worry, it's just like riding a bike."

new laptop, puppy, and president

the breeder said she liked my hair because it looked like it was on fire.

her name is harlow

like the beautiful, blonde, and spunky actress gene harlow from the 30's. 

and she is incredifuckingbly cute. 

i was thinking about oil

while i was going to sleep but my cat wont shut the fuck up so im writing this.

i dont know if i will keep it yet. i dont know who its supposed to be about. i dont know i dont know i dont knoooow.

the boy was young and bright

but filled with toxic notions

that love filled your veins with heavy black

and it spat you out of the earth

until you were dried up and worthless.

he met women that tried to purify him,

said wings hid in these polluted thoughts.

he met women who drained his energy

drilled to be deeper inside,

buried by their own dirt.

women who said he poisoned their oceans,

cried out for floating skeletons,

but at his feet he hadn't noticed

the path of matches

the flames climbing up his spine

by the friction of melting lips

the feelings burning

in his throat

and he wanted so badly to tell her

the word he thought left you worthless.

Maynard said

"...I'm sure many of you have had that situation where you've, uh, come in contact with someone who you thought you had some kind of connection with, but their behavior was so eractic and over the top and scattered that you're not sure what hit you; kinda like a tornado relationship..."

Cast the calming apple
Up and over satellites
To draw out the timid wild one
To convince you it's all right

And I listen for the whisper
Of your sweet insanity
While I formulate denials
Of your effect on me

You're a stranger
So what do I care?
You vanish today
Not the first time I hear
All the lies
What am I to do with all this silence?

Shy away, shy away phantom
Run away, terrified child
Won't you move away
Fuckin' tornado
I'm better off without you
Tearin' my will down

the word

sarcasm means "to tear flesh"

sometimes i cant escape my own world

and sometimes all of my problems seem so small

Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there–on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.

– Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot, 1994

floating upon the surface for the birds

you want me?
well come on and break the door down
you want me?
fucking come on and break the door down
im ready, im ready
im ready

i like when songs have a swear word in them that you don't expect, it makes it seem more rewarding

an increasingly balkanized world so badly needs it

"The association between stress and heart disease appears so strong that Newsweek magazine dedicated nearly a whole issue to the topic in the fall of 2005 with a feature article by renowned cardiologist Dr. Dean Ornish, the first person to prove the reversal of plaque build-up in arteries. Ornish states that love, expressed through compassion, is often the missing component in people prone to heart disease."

Love is Real Medicine

People who survive a heart attack often describe it as a wake-up call. But for a 61 year old executive I met recently, it was much more than that. This man was in the midst of a divorce when he was stricken last spring, and he had fallen out of touch with friends and family members. The Executive’s doctor, unaware of the strife in his life, counseled him to change his diet, start exercising and quit smoking. He also prescribed drugs to lower cholesterol and blood pressure. It was sound advice, but in combing the medical literature, the patient discovered that he needed to do more. Studies suggested that his risk of dying within six months would be four times greater if he remained depressed and lonely. So he joined a support group and reordered his priorities, placing relationships at the top of the list instead of bottom. His health has improved steadily since then, and so has his outlook on life. In fact he now describes his heart attack as the best that ever happened to him. “yes, my arteries are more open”, he says. “but even more important, I am more open”.

Medicine today focuses primarily on drugs and surgery, genes and germs, microbes and molecules. Yet love and intimacy are at the root of what makes us sick and what makes us well. If a new medication had the same impact, failure to prescribe it would be malpractice. Connections with other people affect not only the quality of our lives but also our survival. Study after study find that people who feel lonely are many a times more likely to to get cardiovascular disease than those who have a strong sense of connection and community. I'm not aware of any other factor in medicine- not diet, not exercise, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery- that has a greater impact on our quality of life, incidence of illness and premature death.

In part, this is because people who are lonely are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors. Getting through the day becomes more important than living a long life when you have no one else to live for. As one patient told me, “ I have got 20 friends in this pack of cigarettes. They are always for me. You want to take away my 20 friends? What are you going to give me instead?” Other patients take refuge in food, alcohol or drugs: “When I feel lonely, I eat a lot of fat, it coats my nerves and numbs the pain”. But, loneliness is not just a barrier to fitness. Even when you eat right, exercise and avoid smoking, it increases your risk of early death.

Fortunately, love protects your heart in ways that we don’t completely understand. In one study at Yale, men and women who felt the most loved and supported had substantially less blockage in their coronary arteries. Similarly, researchers from Case Western Reserve University studied almost 10000 married men and found that those who answered “yes” to this simple question- “does your wife show you her love?”- had significantly less angina (chest pain). And when researchers at Duke surveyed men and women with heart disease, those who were single and lacked confidants were three times as likely to have died after five years. In all three studies, the protective effects of love were independent of other risk factors.

Awareness is the first step in healing. When we understand the connection between how we live and how long we live, it’s easier to make different choices. Instead of viewing the time we spend with friends and family as luxuries, we can see that these relationships are among the most powerful determinants of our well being and survival. We are hard-wired to help each other. Science is documenting the healing values of love, intimacy, community, compassion, forgiveness, altruism and service-values that are part of almost all spiritual traditions as well as many secular ones. Seen in this context, being unselfish maybe the most self-serving approach to life, for it helps free both the giver and recipient from suffering, disease and premature death. Rediscovering the wisdom of love and compassion may help us survive at a time when an increasingly balkanized world so badly needs it.