it's 3 am and

i was walking back with a group of girls i met at mario's birthday party. we are the group of drunk girls coming back from a party weaving around the sidewalk, talking at the obnoxious drunk volume, and fantasizing about peeing and already being in our own beds. we're almost inside a couple of the girl's apartments, but two prowlers decide to creep up beside us too. before they can say much we have already rejected them with laughs and rolling eyes and some of the braver, more intoxicated, utilize the verbal chokehold. swear words spill around like the sloshing beer in our stomachs. more laughter, more eye rolling. rejecting, rejecting. but even after we have made it clear that the early am lurking technique does not work, they continue to walk beside us, ask why beside us, ask why they can not be beside us. but we walk ahead. we split apart and the group becomes just me and another girl. two girls and two young men that we think to be still left in the dust we kicked up on them. but we're wrong, because the moment i decide to spin around for some reason, one of their faces is much closer than i thought. i blurt out "what are you doing?" and looking at me a little less than a foot away he says, "Why was your friend so mean? Why did she say those things to us?"

i feel foolish that my heart is throwing rapid punches at my chest and im silently wondering if they can detect this. i realize im holding the other girl's hand and how i never heard his feet, i only turned my head to see he had crept up to us.

"we all have boyfriends so when you come up to us its like fuck off. we just don't like you creeping out here at 3 am, okay?" says the blonde stranger im holding hands with.

and we are both a bit weary of "fuck off" being a trigger so we try to explain ourselves with lighter words. but when we finally walk away with their eyes following our backs up the stairs we keep talking about that one moment of turning around. they begin to sound like hyenas and we are some bones walking away. hyenas laughing when we walk up the steps and my mind says what are you doing? what are you doing? we watch for them out of her window, frightened little lambs. these hyenas will laugh and they'll say "we'll huff and puff our cigarettes and we'll blow your defenses down" but we'd say "not by the buttons on our celly cell cell phones." or something like that. because im scared and thinking of strange things.

but when i am safe in my house of bricks, i still think about the possibility of my walls being blown to pieces and my shelter collapsing.

it's funny

because people say its therapeutic to write about troubling things, but i get so mentally exhausted that i don't even want to bother to spill it all out on paper. 

my excuses give me nosebleeds

they build up and burst out of my head

they surround my skull and make me run away

and wont sound meaningful till im dead

my excuses give me headaches

and rattle the peace in my sleep

they reduce me to head shakes

and im so tired i dont even want to write anymore.

one of those posts

It's one of those weeks that i can tell will be difficult.

Today I started walking to class, late, as usual, but I decided that I should go to the library to work on my sociology paper. I came out of the library and I weakly smiled at and walked right past the assistant teacher of the class I had just skipped and then I also walked right past the teacher of the class I had just skipped. I know he saw me and like an idiot I just looked away and walked by faster. yeah, just walked right by with my bright red hair. maybe he didn't know it was me. sheepish is the word of the day. I've also been so spacey that i completely forgot that my midterm for that class is due this week, so in my desperate attempts i've been trying to email classmates to see if they will help me. I hope I have some pinch of good luck with that. 

I also (without meaning to) forgot to put back the earrings i "borrowed" from my mom and with my annoying habit of just leaving things all over the place (i actually noticed I did that less when I was on medication) i'm not even sure of where i did leave them. She always has to remind me to put her things back or not take them out of the room and I don't want to be that kind of daughter.

I'm not looking forward to going to classes this week.

I still have to finish this sociology paper

I still stilllllll have to finish this sociology paper.

I hate that I don't want to talk to you. Actually today I wanted to, but it was too much to think about.

I don't understand why you mention hanging out, it absolutely baffles me. 

Sometimes I really think about going to the community college back home. I feel more comfortable there, I feel that I have more friends and focus there, and of course it'd be nice to be closer to blaine. but as much as i love my parents, now that ive had a taste of having my own room here free of family supervision...it'd be hard to give up. but i have to face it, im not doing my best here, im not trying nearly as hard as i should be and it doesnt make me feel good. 

ive flaked and been flaked on...flakity flake flake. that doesnt make me feel good either. 

I've been with/seen Blaine everyday pretty much for the last 2 weeks, and it's only monday and he doesn't have his phone. I want to complain about all these things to him but it's only Monday and he doesn't have his phone. I feel like a baby for missing him after only a couple days, but I can't help it. I know I will miss him terribly when he leaves for a month. but the fact that i have a wonderful person to miss terribly makes this a little easier to write.

you were hoping to be weightless
because you told me
"ive been crushed by hope's weight"
so the less there is you say
the more balance you have
but i tell you it's easy
to keep your spine straight
when you're lying on the ground
not expecting anything to move you

i luv u 2

all my excitement goes into the flashing of a message on a little screen in a little box
cradled in my hands because it is my child at my side that i dont leave behind and i hold its hand every chance i get because like a child it has its own brain that i send words to
and you try to understand what your own little box says and then our words float in the air but have their backs turned to each other because im not entirely sure of what they look like, though you did kind of describe them to me but maybe you dont quite see the shine in mine and then maybe i dont know the sway in the step of yours because i tend to ramble on and my thoughts get trample-stampled in a stampede of senseless endless when i really need less- chattering.

what do you call an articulate dinosaur? a thesaurus.

i look at my posts and my words look so simple

this grosses me out. (disgusts, irks, disenchants, repulses, sickens, nauseates, upsets, bothers, disturbs, piques me) 

i need to read more, i need more words. 

titles are hard to think of

my room mate lets me borrow her computer so i can type out the many things i have due....but where do i go? here. because whenever i have something that needs to be done i seem to do everything else but that.
i almost didnt, but i called you today and im glad i did.
the only thing i was really upset about losing was the video we made after the first day we met. it was only a few seconds long, but when i watched it randomly the other day i felt so glad to be where i am now. i told you im afraid of being too mushy sometimes and i know you read this sometimes so i just want you to know how nice it's been with you around and i mean every word.

because the last couple posts were negative i feel the need to be positive

so...my spring break is soon yay!

.

you say you're happy for me, but you dissect this happiness, take a part its pieces because you don't understand how it came to be. you don't see how this could all work, how things could fit and create peace and how to step back and take it all in, appreciate and experience all of it. you tell me this is all some silly machinery, because you don't know, you don't see, you don't feel it they way that i do. im brought down by trying to bring you up.

im letting it go though

i had been looking for it for awhile now,
i thought maybe i misplaced it knowing how i am and how unorganized i can be
but this was special, this was something i would never want to lose
my grandpa gave it to my grandma as a present
its beautiful and means more than just style
and i saw it in your drawer.
you don't know how special it is or what it means
or that it was my graduation present and it fits my wrist perfectly
that my grandpa didn't have much money and he bought it just for her
that i never got to meet him
you don't know that my grandma used to wear it when she was capable and smiling and took care of herself and told stories and didn't bare weight on my mom's back
you don't know how disappointed my mom would be to know that i lost it
how it still works after all these years
and if you didnt leave the drawer just a little bit open, i wouldnt have seen it
and it would never mean the same to you as it meant to me
but i saw it in your drawer and i took it back

sunday night

im listening to what i assume to be the young couple argue in the room below me
she gets annoyed when he stops to cough
and he gets annoyed that he has to make an extra effort
to keep up with a throat itchier than his
it's not when they raise their voices that i worry
or when their swear words aren't muffled by the ceiling
it's those silent pauses they have
when their minds are let loose
and theyre processing what each has just said
and they're building up responses to conversation a or b
when things that aren't said are thought of
when things aren't said
when things build to an everything
and everything is a pile of rotting words
things are a heap of not now trailing off...

today

i savored the last minutes of sleep with my boyfriend before saying goodbye

transported my new bed from lafayette up 3 flights of stairs to my room in san jose with my mother

ate lunch at the thai place across the street with my mother

went grocery shopping

worked out with my best friend

so why is it so damn hard to do my school work?

my mom said "i hope it won't be as hard for you and your brother as it was for me to figure out what i wanted to do in life"

well, shit.