grow from the ash.

i have to.

i have to do what's best for me. i have to close my heart for awhile. i can't even see what you write or have to say because it sucks me in. i've been sucked in and now it hurts. you know how i feel. i wish i could deal with it and not have to be dramatic and delete things but the only way i can rebuild myself is if i stop wading through my thoughts. i can dissect and pick a part but it doesnt get me anywhere. it doesnt mend a broken heart.

"i dont want the world, i only want what i deserve."

if you love someone, let them...

yeah, you know i see what it says.yours is broken too? it seems like you were never mine from what it all says. i don't think you are anybody's. you are the breeze. you are carried away. i dont have to chase after you anymore. everything i wanted far too early. too restless. i have this silly idea we might meet again. don't hurt yourself with thought, laura. you need to take a shower now and get ready for school. you have people to meet up with today. people who have been missing you. Get up.

remember when you miss them
that they chose for you to.
they prefer their own company
over yours.
remember words sliced you up
& memories try to heal wounds.
no sunny day with sandwiches
will bring you back to me.

for the last couple weeks i wanted to suggest to take some time off. i was feeling frustrated about things. i was going to tell you. but i waited. this turned into us both feeling distant. i guess though, that you felt this in stronger ways. i can always sense when there are problems, its just that i figure after awhile the good times we have are always worth that. i mean you dont know what happy is if you're always happy. you don't know what frustrated is if you're always frustrated. all the ramblings in my head try to make me feel better, so it's just you and me ramblings. just you and me.

i got an invitation to katie's wedding today. i can't even imagine getting married right now. i saw that it's on May 29th, which seems far away but creeps up on you faster than reading this. you and your guest have to RSVP by May 1st. of course i want you to be my date. you are my date. i could already see us in fancy outfits making little jokes sitting on fold out chairs in the heat. i see you there, but i dont know if you will be. i want to know that you will. who knows though where you will be. will you be in kansas? will you be working? will your heart still be with me? i'll plan my schedule around this. i'll ask not to work, i'll say "i can't, im going to my friends wedding, it's the first one i've been to." will you do these things for me if i ask? will you put on a nice suit, catch camera flashes, shake unknown hands, endure the heat, because i want you to be there? i dont like to assume. i dont like to plan too far ahead, but sometimes it's necessary. i guess what im really asking is: can i count on you to be in my future?

my arms have been stretched for so long
i feel the tops of trees
i ask and i say please
i unhinge my knees
to stand taller
to shake shoulders
i reach and reach
does it take snaps and cracks
for you to hear me?
does it take a sore strength
to show you
ive had open arms all along

I speak up. I try not to speak down
to anyone.
Vowels roll off my tongue carefully
or they fly
in a burst of 
I'm sorry it just came out. 
I'm rarely punctual but
I speak too soon sometimes.
I try not to be late.
My heart vibrates off my teeth,
but I am so silent in some ways.
I push the words back
all the way up in my mind.
I wish for the adventurous ones
to try to climb up there,
see my fog over 
quiet mountains I've built,
climb to the ends 
& scream down my spine.

.Laura Curren. 

in the last two nights i've had every insecurity summed up in dreams.

I knew what was going to happen;
your things slowly parted from my room,
thoughts pushed back faced forward.
We were standing outside by your car & mine
by the heavy wooden gate
blocking you from somewhere you used to stay.
You asked if we could go inside 
but I said "No, tell me right here."
My skin was hot, my arms were crossed.
You held me, but I was not to be held.
You didn't speak until I told you 
it wasn't fair to keep me quiet here against your ribs
I deserve words. 
It wasn't fair it was a beautiful day.
It wasn't fair I still hoped you wouldn't leave
while I ran down the stairs to throw all of you 
into a basket to shove in front of you
& shout with a shaking yet clear voice,
"There's nothing here for you anymore!"
The dogs were barking & clawing at the gate,
crying out for you while I cried out at you.
They wanted to see you so badly
& so did I but I told you never again.
I said that's it, I've done all I could,
leave now, like you wanted to.
I asked why you were still here
because I wanted to tell you to go.
You told me you were trying to say goodbye;
it was the first time I had seen you cry.
              .Laura Curren.

i remember when you came to my apartment and stayed here while i was in school. i came back from class and you had cleaned my room. i thought oh my god he cleaned my room! then i thought oh my god...he cleaned my room. it was all so fresh and delicate. you folded my clothes and i imagined the reactions in every crease. just like that, you put everything in its place so quickly.
just like that