wednesday nights

the quality in me to pick apart
is bound to the mentality that its justified
im a basket case of wonders
if opened correctly
the wonders will come first
the case second
if i sound crazy
you can call me that
if i sound like a fool
you can call me that
but my heart
it just beats so big

theres always another side to things.
sometimes people who are impulsive arent that way just because theyre rash...they can also feel deeply without appearing to. they can seem to not give a fuck, and yeah sometimes they really don't...but when fucks are given...when thoughts do stir behind their feelings...they can feel deeper than a logical person would. their (my) life might not all be together....they (I) might drop out of school, they (I) might make bad choices because it felt right at the time...but I can promise you their love, when its real, is a fire from the inside. a fire from the heart that spreads, that melts the concrete, the black and white, the lines and rules of things. and if it has turned to ash there is always the possibility of rising again. burning bright and feeling the heat again.

maybe they dont have the capacity to clearly map out situations or truly analyze the consequences of actions, but when they feel- they feel it with everything, with all the chaos inside and out, with all the passion of an abrupt and unexpected kiss, they are of action and that does not mean without words...its just that everything they feel or think might spill out more readily than the reserved. the regret is from what has been done rather than what hasnt been done. so yeah you can call me destructive, or impulsive, and my actions are shouting over my words, but I don't doubt that when my feelings are genuine they come from the deeper depths of me.

I have to go

Come fire
Come fire
Let it burn and love come racing through

Oh I'm still alive
I'm still alive
I can't apologize no

Oh I'm still alive
I'm still alive
I can't apologize no

Learn to lose
Learn to win
Turn my face against the wind

I will move fast
I will move slow
Take me where I have to go

I almost sent her a message again today. I dont know why...because I'm angry and frustrated...and she's just a silent picture I see on the internet. She's your facebook friend. I hadn't really thought about it in awhile, I've been busy and trying to keep it that way. I've been having fun, but then this just sets in on me. I've already forgiven both of you but. there is no hope for us. all of your romantic words fall flat against the walls ive already built against you. I dont need to try and take them down again. I don't need to see your eyes in the morning. I don't need you anymore.

"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired"

today it really hurts.

slowly now i turn to say
that i have loved you for a long time
and i see the words in your eyes
i know i do
i see them on your skin
and this feels like
the windows are down and
freshness is flooding my smiling teeth
and surely you feel this too
but everyone feels their own way
everyone has their own
will & way
thoughts & secrets
but you were private in my presence too
so many times i saw your eyes
curve away from me in mystery
& then circle back as though it was fine
i didn't know how to ask
& you didnt know how to tell me
i didnt know about many things
lies can stack themselves, really
they dont even need your help
they just build and build
they just build right over your eyes
and i was there with that smile on my face

I make bad choices.

how much money do I make?
what about how much love
how many insightful comments
how many blanks stares
lopsided smiles
heavy sighs
how much twirled gum on my tongue
how many tap taps with my nails
bad jokes

how many beats per minute
am I worth

research papers always incite blogs

sometimes im just. really obnoxious. and i annoy myself. and gosh so over the top. so write about in a bloggish of you. oh laura. oh roll your eyes. oh shaking head. oh god you lost your phone again didnt you. oh you spent too much money again huh. yeah peter pan complex...messy room...selfish...yeah..yeah...yeah

but just knowing that you exist in the world makes my life seem easier. It makes it better. Even when we aren't on good terms the knowledge that you're there brings me peace.



tell me, do you have someone you feel that way about?

i like the idea of going with the flow...but deep inside it's not who i am. however comfortable it is...there is the sense of a coiled imagination constricted and wishing to reach out beyond my skin. and theses stretches that occur, well they seem uncomfortable because they are, as they should...because it's change, and it occurs without your permission. the need for new splays out its hands and grabs hold of something inside. it shakes something, inside. and these feelings shine in our eyes. they slip into the creases of a troubled expression. they twist our questions around their fingers. but if this were a constant state we would have no homes. no arms to fall into...strange lovers do not hold the same peace. no familiar words to smooth the lump in your throat. and theres this constant struggle of change and familiarity. a need to travel and a need for home. thrilling instability. warming stability. yes a rush of cold air is exciting, but not at all times. a warm touch brings you back to your heart. now arms may seem like traps at times but they can open them too. they can pry the tight jaws of the world that you didnt see sinking into you.

the love is not gone. dont slip away. i am missing you today. you say were not on the same page
but i fold the corners of my heart with you in mind.