text messages

well sometimes theyre just awful and rude
and they have no respect for your movie viewing experience,
class lecture, grandma's birthday dinner,
stop signs, or awkward dates.
they can lie with ease, they can pretend to be somewhere else
with someone else, they could be "lost"
in a clusterfuck of satellite signals
your "lol's" & various abbreviated choppings of the language
could be floating in the stars
never arriving at your screen
or maybe youve lost them
in the constellations of your regrets
because phones are allusive you know
sometimes they fall into toilets
they drop in to where youve blacked out
they get wedged into swallowing seats
they decide to stay long after the party, concert, event with bleachers, and/or
that was fun but there's no fucking way were driving all the way back to get your damn phone trip is over.
during your absence all those words are lost
undelivered packages of what have you missed?
since history evolved from spoken word
into written word
we are taking our words and making them history
we can look through the chronicles of the spring of 2010
through the text window of you and your ex significant other
and perhaps like history, you can analyze the different signs & signals
of the signs & signals you are reading
you could write essays about what your texts mean
you could make yourself seem more important
cuz you have moments polished into fast moving words
that are sent by a mental & physical push of button

i should be so tired....and i am? but my mind is racing, i have too many thoughts. the summer is slipping away. a year ago from today seems so strange now. looking back on myself the way i perceive myself now, looking back at the moments and memories my brain has chosen to save. looking back as a means to see what is now. it's almost like i want to spoil the future, which would really be the present, for my past self. like i wanna wink and give past me a reassuring smile. "It's okay 2010 Laura, youre doing just fine." what am i doing a year ago? where could i have seen foreshadowing definitive moments? all questions i will look back on again in another year. and so on...etc...infinity...until my brain produces no questions or pictures of time

i see too many people
giving their love
to people who give them pain
but if that's all you know
it might be all you look for
but look first toward your own pain
digest its thorns

there's just so many forms of communication now. it's harder to avoid people. and easier.

speak louder than

Tortured thoughts can be unbound
by shaping them as sounds
or the fingers of letters
may slowly unravel
restrictions against travel
on your mind's growth.
Everyone says that its polar
has more effect and volume
but what is shut inside
reflects motions outside.
To speak does not mean defeat,
words may lay flat
or evaporate in the air,
words may not do
but they may share
so that doing
is undone before it ever was a did
so that love is not capped off with a mental lid
so that if we feel the need to spill
we will put feelings into the pitches of our tones
and not the movements wrought by our bones
we will curl in the y of angry and cross our t's
we will unfold emotions as a play of thoughts
where our lips are the curtains that separate
and the mind will craft the figures of speech
to dance up and out of our throats
and stretch to ideas flesh could never reach.

you know somedays you were so poetic i had to roll my eyes
you saw them roll all over you
and because youre so goddamn deep you felt it too
it was dramatic though, because its how we are
even with my blues and greens rolling rolling
it means you kept them in motion
it means my eyes were never still with you
they opened, they cried, they winced, they crinkled, they sighed
and im sorry if i made you feel like a joke
maybe your poetry made it hard to deal with my own thoughts
maybe the way you spoke made it harder to avoid myself
your depth was beautiful, i know it was
i drowned in it from time to time
and i could only reach for your words
but they were slippery and
the lack of touch caused me to sink again and again
i look back at your words now and it hurts to see how far they go
how far they were felt and could have been
how they fell from your mouth and all the way down to your feet
cuz youre that fuckin deep

wednesday nights

the quality in me to pick apart
is bound to the mentality that its justified
im a basket case of wonders
if opened correctly
the wonders will come first
the case second
if i sound crazy
you can call me that
if i sound like a fool
you can call me that
but my heart
it just beats so big

theres always another side to things.
sometimes people who are impulsive arent that way just because theyre rash...they can also feel deeply without appearing to. they can seem to not give a fuck, and yeah sometimes they really don't...but when fucks are given...when thoughts do stir behind their feelings...they can feel deeper than a logical person would. their (my) life might not all be together....they (I) might drop out of school, they (I) might make bad choices because it felt right at the time...but I can promise you their love, when its real, is a fire from the inside. a fire from the heart that spreads, that melts the concrete, the black and white, the lines and rules of things. and if it has turned to ash there is always the possibility of rising again. burning bright and feeling the heat again.

maybe they dont have the capacity to clearly map out situations or truly analyze the consequences of actions, but when they feel- they feel it with everything, with all the chaos inside and out, with all the passion of an abrupt and unexpected kiss, they are of action and that does not mean without words...its just that everything they feel or think might spill out more readily than the reserved. the regret is from what has been done rather than what hasnt been done. so yeah you can call me destructive, or impulsive, and my actions are shouting over my words, but I don't doubt that when my feelings are genuine they come from the deeper depths of me.

I have to go

Come fire
Come fire
Let it burn and love come racing through

Oh I'm still alive
I'm still alive
I can't apologize no

Oh I'm still alive
I'm still alive
I can't apologize no

Learn to lose
Learn to win
Turn my face against the wind

I will move fast
I will move slow
Take me where I have to go

I almost sent her a message again today. I dont know why...because I'm angry and frustrated...and she's just a silent picture I see on the internet. She's your facebook friend. I hadn't really thought about it in awhile, I've been busy and trying to keep it that way. I've been having fun, but then this just sets in on me. I've already forgiven both of you but. there is no hope for us. all of your romantic words fall flat against the walls ive already built against you. I dont need to try and take them down again. I don't need to see your eyes in the morning. I don't need you anymore.

"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired"

today it really hurts.