You told me you didn't like all the stuff I wrote. Okay, yeah I expect that, but still I mumble a little "Ouch" to myself. Oh come on, I say to myself...I dont like EVERYTHING someone does or says or writes either.

Yeah but,

but.

You told me I'm accessible and unstructured. This is true.

That I have talent and unrefined skill.

& I say that's just me in general,

unrefined talent.

Is this a poem right now?

Nah, but it could be.

In fact yes, it is.

I declare it so right now.

Put it in the modern art of poetry book that I have just made up in this moment.

Signed,

Me.

I think about those drives to Tahoe.
Loud, loud music of my choice blasting from beat up speakers, 
which at the time was any crazy electronic/melodic dubstep I approved of. 
I hear the songs now and I think of those drives. 
Songs that started with pretty voices and built up to an energy that I can't explain. 
Songs with sound waves that matched my heart beat. Driving for 3 hours and feeling nervous 
the entire way. An excitement that followed my car's speed. Long and winding into the dark. 
So dark that I didn't know what was coming. Redwoods spearing through the distance. Cold & fresh air seeping onto the glass.
A log cabin-esque looking gas station. 
A town you could miss in the blink of an eye. 
A familiar road sign that told me how far away I was 
from being wrapped in your arms. Red bull and sugary treats to keep me awake. Dark drives with flashing high beams. Late night thoughts. Excitement creeping up on me as gas drained. Excitement in my veins. 1/2 way there. I'm coming baby. 
I have to pee really bad but god damn I can't wait to kiss you. 
This drive is worth it. This all means something to me. This will be something to look back on. I'm looking back. I feel it in my heart. I remember those drives the most. That feeling. Not so much the days we spent together as the time I spent thinking about coming to you. The delay of being in your arms. The distance I travelled. The distance before we were two. The distance between me and you.
The distance I fought in the dark before I reached you.

Current thoughts

Get off your ass.
God damn that sandwich was good
but its going to feel heavy when I go for a run
which will be soon because Get off your ass.
I need some more music
I always need some more music,
it'll never be enough,
is that always my mentality? never enough?
no, not always.
I'm very content once I've set up my own little world,
as long as it's mine.
I always want to be closer with people
yet have a deep need to be introverted.
I drink too much
it's so fun and uninhibiting though;
maybe I'm just too scared to be that way in sober life.
I've always been shy
I don't seem like that now
but fake it till you make it!
That's been my motto lately.
So sometimes I appear confident but really I'm terrified.
Life can be scary, but I have it good.
I know I do.
I know some people will always have more money or a nicer ass or whatever
but I'm very lucky,
very.
I want everyone to like me.
I can't stop drinking diet soda.
I have my vices.
I have my good advices.
I just wanted that to rhyme
I do have good advice I think, if only I'd follow it.
I can be quite motivational to other people despite my own lack of motivation.
This bandaid on my finger is really not helping me type,
thats what I get for washing dishes in my little sink and a giant butcher knife;
sometimes things are sharp and sneaky.
I can be sharp and sneaky
this is a long train of thought
wonder if it's going somewhere,
who cares life is good in this moment,
time for a run,
Get off your ass.

I saw you and you saw me
I caught your eyes catching me
and all our history
can be traced back
to those first blink of lashes

When you see someone you loved has moved on

It's strange when you smile at things
that would have hurt you before,
Strange when the mood that strikes you
doesn't really strike you
because it's softer than you thought.
As if it's a palm on the back of your shoulder-
it's not expected,
but it's reflected
that it's so.
A mood that's heavy but lifts something inside,
a mood that unwinds the bandages of time.
A mood that becomes a perspective,
a piece of ever evolving thought.

Something profound.

Everyday I see your frantic posts
Paragraphs of proverbs
The government's conspiracies
Thoughts of meditation
Questions of why we can't have peace
yet your despair against gun control.
Philosophical puke.
Relax man, calm down-
live, breathe, feel,
get off this internet high horse,
step down, I don't even know who you're talking to.
Then I think maybe that's just lazy thinking;
am I part of the unreachable masses?
Am I in an apathetic fog?
Whatever I don't care,
I don't want to
listen to you.

A couple boys told me I'm too affectionate

I think the reason why I like to be touched so much
Is because when you do, you're reaffirming that I'm there,
that I'm here, with you.
If I'm touching you it's because
I want to be there,
the most there for  you you ever knew,
Even if you only know it for a moment.
Let's share breath and space and time.
Keeping your skin ignited with mine
lets me know you know
I'm here.

My conquered fears

Finding love. When I was younger I didn't think I would get my first kiss until I was 21 because I was so shy. Don't ask why I picked 21...I also didn't think I would find love until I was much older than that, but I fell in love, hard, at 15 and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Learning to drive. I got frustrated easily and gave up just as easily. I put it off for awhile. I was waiting to get picked up from my friend to go to a party when I was 17 but my friend got too drunk and didn't want to drive, so I thought "This is ridiculous. Get your license." Even when I got my license I refused to drive on the freeway for about a year. Seriously.   ...now I drive like an asshole. yay!

Pushing away negative thoughts. I didn't look for a job for awhile because I had the fear I would get fired. what the fuck? I didn't even try because I thought this. My mom basically forced me to get one when I was 19. I worked at a place when I was in high school but it didn't feel like a "real job" so I was afraid of the "real world" and avoided it. I realized that I do like to work, and I like to help other people. The same thing happened when I starting working at Pyramid. I was terrified. When I got promoted I didn't even really want it because I was afraid of fucking up. I did fuck up...but one day I was so busy and I needed to focus. You can't do this...you're not meant to do this. Maybe you should just quit. Those negative thoughts swirled in my head until I shut myself up with my hiding positive thoughts- Shut up! You're busy. You don't have time to think like that! Just go do it. It's strange feeling like I'm a very positive person but having so many doubts and insecurities. I'm very hard on myself because I feel like I deserve it, but...there's only so much negativity can do for you..

Moving out. I know that might sound kinda silly, but I'm very attached to my comfort zone. I love my parents. They are exceptional people. I love them so much that even when I moved out...I didn't move very far. I could literally walk over there. I need my family close. They know and love me the best. So maybe I still bring my laundry over there and I feel a pang when it's been too long since I've seen my dogs, but at least I'm paying for myself. I finally did it. I can keep doing it...I can keep saving money. I do indeed enjoy spending it...but I'm much better about saving it than I was before. I can live on my own. I can do it.

Quitting a job I hated. I could seriously go on and on about why this place was awful. I endured as much as I could, which was about 3 months. I thought I should just stick it out a little longer to keep it as resume experience but then I realized how miserable I was. I worked with the same people every day with a boss who was literally behind me the entire day. She was one of the most cold and judgemental people I had ever met. She always made me feel dumb. I don't thrive in that environment. I felt like it did make me dumb. It stressed me the fuck out. I heard stories aobut how other girls just left and never came back without saying a word. I wanted to do that, I really did. But I drove over there on my day off and sat in my car with a letter of resignation for a long time. I was sweaty and anxious. I got out of the car and asked to speak to my flat boss and explained myself. Two more weeks and then I was free. It's an odd accomplishment but it's worth being noted. It helped me determine what environment I don't want to be in.

I'm sure there's more...but I fear being late for my pedicure with my mom.

My current fears

pregnancy
disappointing people
staying stuck
getting hurt
my teeth falling out
seeing someone I know when I'm not wearing makeup
saying stupid shit in front of important people
a lack of passion
death