Out of nowhere I feel my heart drop to the floor.
          You really hurt me sometimes & hurt 
          is the simplest word for that.
          A picture frame of what I thought            
          falls & breaks
          & I can replace what was there
          but there's always a mess to clean up
          & some messes take longer than others
          & sometimes I want to hide & forget.
          I could probably get drunk,
          which is likely at some point;
          I'll send my poisonous friend
          down the maze to my stomach
          to escape the one in my head.
          I could just sip & forget
          then come home & remember
          & maybe drink some more
          but that doesn't sweep it off the floor.
          Ever since I was a little girl 
          with thoughts to be thought,
          I've dreamed of loving you,
          but I know that means 
          loving your messes too.
          Even in those moments riddled with uncertainty,
          those moods that scrape at my patience
          & tell me I just can't deal with you today,
          I just can't.
          Days when the fire inside me 
          is catching on other people's curtains
          & I'm blaming them for how it started
          or when it feels like there's no fire at all,
          & I'm looking,looking for something
          that I'm not even sure is lost.
          Some days it feels like we're all wrong-
          but I will always be in love with you,life,
          because we belong 
          together.

I want to stay sharp and fit.
To read books and run miles,
To create new colors and titles.
I want to have more than want-
I think that's called ambition.
What excuses are stopping me-
That I'll bite off more than I can chew?
But better that than starving for a taste.

this goes with the last post duh

I don't care if it makes me seem crazy. Sometimes in the most stressful times I would just scream in my car. I would scream as loud as I could, driving on the freeway. I wonder if anyone heard me. I have a mean scream. I'm considering sending it to horror movies. It's piercing and high with pain. It's jagged and awful. It scrapes every last bit of tar off of my ribs and vibrates out of my throat like some cactus-y jerk. Imagine it. Imagine doing that. Don't you feel better?

Meditation.
That sounds nice.
That doesn't "sound" like anything actually.
Deep in breath,
in feeling,
in that particular second.
Free from the commercials of thoughts.
Free from interpretation
Free from whatever is holding you.
That seems like the clearer path
it sounds like who I could be-
but I prefer to scream.

If you don't know how to be alone then I feel sorry for you. If you don't know how to be with someone else then I feel sorry for you. If you don't know how to feel sorry then that's just sorry in itself. It's not weak to feel defeat. It's weak to think you never have...

Feeling deep

I feel deeply

And that's great when it's great

But when it's not so

I don't wanna feel at all

The feelings become worse 

When I don't remember them

How or who I felt

it's not healthy

To spit them back up the next morning

And I'll sigh and shake my head 

For myself so others don't have to

Even though they do

 But then there's a moment that strikes me

Pulls at the strings of my feelings that are breathing something beautiful

And I remember those feelings

How could I forget them?

How could I forget

Those feelings  that light a fire in the dark

I'm thankful for

Above all and always love. Love!
and from love you can make a tree of: family, friends, lovers, significant others, coworkers, mentors, teachers.
Shelter. Childhood homes and the one I have now.
Luck. I feel lucky. Thanks.
Food. Having enough. Having it available. Having an absurd selection.
Animals. Loving their presence. The tail wiggles of joy.
Hot showers and hot sex
Words and wishes
Trees and secret spots
Comfortable silences
When I am completely myself
Laughter
and crying too
A forever healing heart
An optimistic outlook
time to myself
stories and inspiration
creativity and imagination
skills waiting to be used
nostalgia
missing someone and being missed
moments of realization
thoughtful gifts
all forms of art
discovering
exploring
wandering
wondering
a life thats never boring

Timing

Oh the timing of things.
It feels so unfortunate
when I thought it could be
something,
something that affects me
greatly.
Maybe I was too:
selfish, impatient, childish,
alcoholic, confused, dependent,
independent, inconsiderate,
insecure,
inexperienced, unexposed,
passive aggressive,
questioning,
obsessive,
unalarmed,
or all of the above.
Maybe I just met you
and you seem really fun and sexy
& our conversation flows as well as our kiss.
It seems like what I was looking for was this,
but something happens,
something is amiss,
and when I peel back the rosy glass
it suddenly seems more stark
and not what I thought.
Oh you're too busy for this?
Well shit.
Maybe we know each other
and your personality colors
my thoughts with possibilities.
My attraction grows.
We hug and I feel more than skin.
We laugh and it feels natural,
and-
Oh, you have a girlfriend?
Of course you do.
Oh, it's complicated?
Of course it is.
All this timing makes me not
want to know the time at all.
Current circumstances
fucking with my chances.
But I have this feeling
that all this timing
won't matter
when that moment comes along,
and all the timing that was wrong
suddenly will seem to have been in its place
when I place a deeper love to a future face.

I could fall in love with you like I do a song.
Without meaning to I can sing along.
I can pretend I know what's going on.
(Oh that's what it's about?)
I could make up my own words.
Oh this whole time I've been singing it wrong?
Explicit content in a subtle manner,
that's what I like.

Not sure I like this when we meet

but the initial intrigue is there.

Somehow your sound 

keeps coming back to my mind.

I'm thinking maybe I'll listen to you more.

I could surround myself in you.

It could be awhile for us, but I might come back.

I could discover lyrics later,
I could hear something different in a year.
I could burn you out through my speakers,
scream your words out of my windows,
let the night drive take you away.
That's it.
You're gone in the mist.
I forgot your number.
Wait, what did you say?
I didn't know this was sad.
I can't get enough,
until that's it,
set fire to it,
overplayed.
No thanks.
I forget about you.
Who's that by again?
but I could hear you
somewhere else later.
Oh I remember that,
when I let you be my soundtrack.

monday night thoughts

Sometimes I'm a binge eater, drinker, lover.
Sometimes my hopes need to be taken from the clearance rack
and placed on higher shelves.
Aim high,
that's what the tattoo on my wrist tells me.
And sometimes I need to relax,
But I don't necessarily want to.
When I relax I forget my thoughts sometimes,
and that's okay every now and then,
and sex and drugs and alcohol all release the hold
of responsibilities grip.
I like to escape in people, its true,
and then I start to get weird and restless.
Sometimes I'm a social butterfly
who flies back to the cocoon every now and then.
Yeah, but you can't stay there.
I hibernate
isolate
complicate
procrastinate
exacerbate...
reiterate
my apologies
until I'm starved of all my ates
only to again fill my plate.
I'm sorry
for being gone so long,
and I'm sorry I'm a lot.
I don't make it that simple.
My parents laugh and shake their heads
and give me hugs
because that's how its always been.
I love the love they gave me
but I'm confused what to do with it sometimes.
I'd like to put it out there,
paint it in front of me,
and then breathe it back in,
sounds like I'm getting high off of love,
sounds like I haven't run out silly things to say,
but it's my own mess and I like it that way.

sunday night thoughts

I like songs & eyes that tell a story,
late night thoughts that creep into your consciousness,
touching with feeling, feeling with passion,
letting those eyes leak every once in awhile.
raising my voice, testing my confidence,
every once in awhile.
I like a real laugh,
a real hug,
a real moment.
I like staying up late for no real
reason.
I get lost in music,
in my mind,
& I get tired of time.
I guess those are reasons.
I want to live in the presence of love.
I want to be harbor to another's heart.
I want a touch to crave & call home.
I want a kiss that makes me forget my surroundings.
I want to bring something to your life
you didn't know was missing.
I want to brighten your vision,
your morning,
whatever, just as long as its yours.
But I must turn this attention towards myself
because that will always be my best love affair
& someone will discover me for who I am
when I'm not looking for a moment,
but enjoying one of my own
because
I get so distracted by love,
& it will see me when it wants,
but come on, don't you look
when something beautiful walks by?