i think i have built up a resistance to red bull. nobody really stays on the bull too long. they fall off and wake up in their textbook with all of the lights on.

"To truly love something, you must first give it a chance to fail. If it survives, it is going to be stronger than ever. Distance is pure proof of this, and forever we will love if we survive"

best friend

i think about you often
i pat my chest
and say youre in there
but this weather is so cold
and our connection freezes
i pat my chest
and say thats how life is
metaphors are my explanations
i want to tell them to you
but steady is my hand over my heart,
it swats out others actually
and i feel an apathetic pulse

take care of you

When I said I wanted to take care of you
I didn't mean you couldn't take care of yourself
that you weren't capable
I didn't mean to stab at your pride
No, that's not what I meant
I mean the smile when your eyes first open
I mean the touch that pulls you from slipping
I mean conversations
no burdens
just listening
I mean comfortable in your skin
& mine, to wrap around you
I mean giving you how you make me feel

"She seems like one of those people who's always in their head."

"She's a writer, she's supposed to be like that."

i hope you rest easy

nervous chatter evolved into trips
and hugs and tears,
discussions and silence.
you were so beautiful,
but men had stepped on your spine
and your son was stepping on mine.
i said it wasn't your fault,
please don't cry,
but your back curved in concern.
i wanted to be like you in many ways,
to mend hearts at the price of my own
but your eyes haunted me at times.
I wanted to straighten your bones,
smooth the crooked path,
but how could i
when i let my own snap?
so i had to run far
from you and him, so far
to find where i am now.
my love for him burned away
but i still wonder how you are

if you ask me im ready

old stuff

Schedules

I know that love can't be built upon excuses
Well maybe he didn't know
Maybe he's just scared
All these wobbling boards
I never saw anything upheld by maybes
Never saw a foundation of sometimes
But he's so busy
He's always working
and he's really driven
He just doesn't have a lot of time
I mean he's got a really hectic schedule
such a busy schedule
Yeah but,
does he know yours?

But It's Inspiration

It's tearing me to pieces but it's inspiration
its an anchor im looking up from
its cutting at me so creatively
with its broken hearted abilities
killing responsibilities
i may lay without a sound
in darkly lit rooms
but my hands are moving
my mind is running
miles away from here

pretty girls

pretty girls pull off
short hair and piercings
they laugh holding their beer
and pretend to look away
pretty girls show their crafted jaw,
and unconventional style
pretty girls are
lonely and busy
they stay up creating worlds
you can see with only passion
pretty girls imagine and improve
listen and suffer
scream and evolve
they don't beauty sleep
pretty girls shape their souls
with no easy effort

today

talked to a few people today. got some perspective. i understand things better. just when im upset im upset. i let it all out at the moment. i didnt mean to corner you. you do need to relax and breathe all to yourself. you deserve to.
i havent taken my medication in a long time. i took one today and i was really social and pleasant. i know its not supposed to work again in just one day. it was probably a placebo effect but maybe i should start taking them again...i don't think i was that different.
im starting to enjoy my directness more now. i like to get to the point. i feel discouraged because i feel like im too much sometimes and people arent used to how i am, but i figure the right people will enjoy it. one of my new years resolutions was to stop texting so much and to actually use the phone. i called tali and shelbee and amy today and it felt good to actually talk. i called bora too. i know this isnt poetry to the few people who read this, but it is to me

just feel

lame.insecure.choked up.sensitive.nervous.unsure.frustrated.messed up

and full of love

shadows are climbing over us
they collapse into a calming dark
but your eyes say there is light here
your hands say "right here"
frightening are the changing skies
but the colors are so pretty
when the times collide