presently

The people I am always the most interested in don't seem to fully give themselves to me. Maybe that's because there are pieces of myself that I never really, fully give.
Today I had one of those moments that stretches into a sad train of thought. That can be visualized by the crunchy and forgotten leaves being rustled and stirred into a web in the wind, carried off and away into a somehow peaceful chaos. Things change. Things are changing. I feel so in love with people. I get saturated in someone and then it's squeezed out of me. I get dry. Really though who doesn't get wrung out once in awhile. I feel like I get too invested in one person and it feels like a distraction from myself. I have almost an over abundance of love in my life yet I don't know what to do with it. There is a part of me that I am keeping dull. There is something inside that is too scared to grab the microphone. And I know it's okay to be shy but I can't help but feel I am smothering myself. You are doing this on purpose somehow aren't you? And then I sigh because I may know how and what but not why. Life is just a giant why but the how and the what are what make your answers to that question significant. All I can really think of is love.

January 11, 2013

tonight I ripped off my fake nails
yes it felt exactly as that sounds

Music all day. Fuck sometimes I forget how much I appreciate it. How a new song can fill my heart and just take over for the next few days. It's kind of a love hate relationship sometimes. I can get so burnt out by my music and bored with it. Then I go on this musical rampage and find all these songs to be excited about. I need it in the car. I need it for my soul.

I sat up on your lap,
you laid flat on your back,
you held onto my hips,
I rocked a little bit.
You said,
tilting your head,
"Sing for me."
I shut
my timid eyes,
& stifled a sigh,
I threw my head back,
hoping my words wouldn't crack.
I let it out,
you let it in,
a piece for you to hear,
to rest in your ears,
a moment I won't give to anyone else.
I open my eyes,
your smile is wide,
my heart is too,
it opened more
because of you.

you are what you write.
am i a mess of metaphors
a message with no particular order
feelings tangled up in word choice
a trail of thoughts...
running off poorly punctuated cliffs
do i capitalize what is not priority
do i think in the wrong tenses
do i not use all five of my senses
should i pause more
semi separate my thoughts
own up to my apostrophes
demand more in exclamation
stop dashing in hesitation

to all the girls starving inside & out

and the fat girls full of feelings

I'm somewhere in between,

but I know what you mean.

At the heart of all things I'm really insecure.

unedited poem about unedited love

A hand holding motivation
"I know you can do better than this
but, you're still doing well,
and you look really pretty today."
Let me be who I am
but don't let me be that
if I'm being a bitch,
or lazy,
or a lazy bitch.
Remind me of kindness,
remind me of gentler words
when my head hurts and I need to eat,
when my tongue needs to be wrestled,
metaphorically or physically,
so I shut up and my nerves are happy.
remind me that there is still beauty
that needs to be appreciated.
Don't talk to me like I'm less than you,
Don't have a tone that makes me not want to listen.
Be loyal to me and I will to you.
Share excitement for life,
the art found in the ordinary.
Let me fall asleep in your arms
even if I drool,
you can laugh at me about it later.
But don't just laugh at me,
Laugh with me, oh my god laugh with me.
If you don't have a sense of humor
this will never work,
your life won't work in fact,
it will go on strike
if you can't laugh your way
out of the depths of a bad day.
Open my mind to ideas I may have not met
Open my ambition that can be stubbornly stuck.
Open me up when I stitch my words up.
Give me a shake when I won't move.
Help me without pointing it out all the time.
Don't scold me when I don't act like a lady,
it will happen.
I know you won't always be a gentleman,
but oh yes, you are going to open that door for me.
Let me be secretive but don't let me have secrets.
Keep kissing me.
Have sex with me,
have feelings with me.
Love me for what I have in me
and what I don't have in me.
Don't be afraid of my tears.
Keep them quiet by understanding,
by wrapping me in your arms.
Tell me stupid stories,
tell me the chronicles of your life.
Ask about mine.
Don't let me slump into a routine,
Unless we go out for take out every week,
that's perfectly fine.
Be responsible, but have a drink.
Have a couple, and then have me.
Look at the world with wonder,
and share this curiosity with me.
Tell me romantic words,
and write them down
so I can save them
and then show you this
and tell you this is about you.

sigh

Guy at the bar last night: Are you Irish? Cuz everytime I see you my dick starts Dublin!

Me: That is awful! Awwwwfullllll.

Guy: What, I mean I just thought of it.

Me: What does that even mean? Like you have two dicks, I give you a boner?

Guy: No I mean, like you know Dublin, Ireland.

Me: Yeah I get that...that's just a terrible pickup line.

Guy: Well I dunno what was I supposed to say?

Me: UmmmM I dunno how about hi?

Guy: My bad. 

I said something funny
at least you thought so,
and I heard you laugh behind me,
behind my head a smile,
and I knew we'd be friends.
When I saw that you were seeing
the world as I do
but from a different view
that's when I knew
it was more than that,
more than a label can encapsulate,
more than a title,
but an introduction to a part of my life,
the opening of pages,
the spreading of my spine.

feelin snarky

I remember when my views
were solid and ideal
and they became
crumbly and realistic
oh sweetheart
it's nice that you see like that
that you believe
he's never done the things
you list as so selfish
so completely
out of line
out of hand
but you don't know
and you won't
and that's good
and thats nice
and maybe I was the mistake
that made him think twice
maybe im the example
to thrive from
but don't think it's because youre bettter

Happy birthday mom!

Happy birthday mom!
You tried to show me a world
beyond your pant legs when I was small.
You were so patient with me
when I slammed my door,
when I taped up signs written in scented markers
that said "go away!"
So understanding
when my feelings grew more complex
as they are prone to do, the longer there is of you.
You wished you could take away my pain
but reminded me not to shove it away
like the wondrous mess under my bed.
When my tears became more defined by the thoughts behind them,
you explained that being judgmental isn't good for you,
that a negative mind produces a negative life,
& to have an open heart and an open mind.
You were so comforting
when there were days it hurt to keep my eyes open,
always keep them open you remind me.
Days when I couldn't handle becoming an adult
and crawled up on your bed like a little girl again.
You taught me to have a silliness that swirls in my eyes,
to have curiosity and create my own interests,
to keep the fires in my heart aflame.
You gave me life
& showed me how to make it mine.
It started with your abundant love
that spilled into my own kind of love.
You taught me how to use it
& you showed me why.
Thank you for a
a life to love and a love to live