a dark chapter

i wasn't eating very much. i had the idea that if i just ate a pickle here and there to curb my appetite i could go by without eating much. i enjoy pickles; theyre zesty and snappy and the taste lingers on your tongue for long enough to distract you from hunger. so i ate pickles. i ate pickles and my pelvis began to stick out more. i was proud of my loose pants. i just wanted to look good. i wanted arms that looked long and thin in pictures. i wanted the teenage fat from my cheeks to dissolve. i wanted you to turn your head away from an ever absorbing computer screen. i wanted to be sexy, to be wanted, to be lusted for. but i was empty. no pickles could save me. i was hungry and tired. i had no energy. but i was really tan! and thin! and fuck did my eye makeup look good! my hair dresser told me how fabulous i looked and i smiled a miserable smile. a smile for all the wrong reasons. i think that was the smile i always had for you. everything wrong but looking pretty. looking polished. "gosh, she looks really good, has she lost weight?" so why dont you rip your eyes away from that screen. that fucking mindless screen. i dont care what level you are, what your character has done in a virtual world that won't have sex with you. i am right here you fool! i am right.here. i had a depressing ring tone for you. i wrote things about you. i kept pictures of you. i sank with you. and no you never hit me, never handled me too roughly, never left a mark of anger but your mouth was the worst kind of poison. a poison i let seep in to my skin everyday i tolerated it.

you told me little things i needed to improve. you made jokes to "ease" any tension over this. you said you really liked it when i was all done up. so i never showed you anything real. i showed you nail polish and hair dye. i showed you the effects of only eating fermented cucumbers. i showed you empty. and you, you were empty too. but i tried to fill you with whatever i had left on my bones. i tried to laugh for you, to be happy for you. but you muffled my laughter. you told my tears they were wrong. you shoved my spirit to the ground. your depression bored me and my patience bored you. so we would pick at each other as some sick satisfaction. we didnt solve things. we said things were stupid and buried them. we were the worst we that could be. yet i chose you and you chose me. and misery chooses company. and i chose for a time to tolerate this. i let my thoughts be polluted because i always thought things would be clear if i waited. waited for what? for you to turn into another man? i waited while my toes were stepped on. i watched you drown at your desk. i watch you immersed in a world that wasnt real, i saw you disappear inside headphones. i yelled at you sometimes. i screamed. i wrote in sharp and pointy letters about your disregard and disrespect. i exhausted your name in trying to understand you. i smushed the lumps in my throat into my pillow. i breathed heavy. but i saw you give up on life. i saw your back slumped over in defeat. i saw you, but you never saw me.