I'm aware of my self destruction 

like Alice drowning in her tears,
    making everything bigger than it is. 

I'll wrestle a task,
               drink away the night,
scratch up my skin,
       call an ex.

I'll find a new problem

          to lose focus on my current one. 

I'll stir sleeping thoughts awake
          instead of waking my ambitions.

When there's no tv show muting my thoughts,

          no pair of eyes distracting me from my own,

I look anxiously for other noise

          instead of listening when it's quiet. 

I torment other scenarios 

that aren't this one.

My thoughts storm 

& everything I have left to sit outside 

          is soaked & heavy by my negligence.

Obstacles collect in the yard,

& I can only smile & trip over them for so long before

          everything is all at once, 

          & it all seems like a mess.

I could pretend it's fine & close the blinds,

but here they are 

haunting me 

with different faces in different ways.