I have to go

Come fire
Come fire
Let it burn and love come racing through

Oh I'm still alive
I'm still alive
I can't apologize no

Oh I'm still alive
I'm still alive
I can't apologize no

Learn to lose
Learn to win
Turn my face against the wind

I will move fast
I will move slow
Take me where I have to go

I almost sent her a message again today. I dont know why...because I'm angry and frustrated...and she's just a silent picture I see on the internet. She's your facebook friend. I hadn't really thought about it in awhile, I've been busy and trying to keep it that way. I've been having fun, but then this just sets in on me. I've already forgiven both of you but. there is no hope for us. all of your romantic words fall flat against the walls ive already built against you. I dont need to try and take them down again. I don't need to see your eyes in the morning. I don't need you anymore.

"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired"

today it really hurts.

slowly now i turn to say
that i have loved you for a long time
and i see the words in your eyes
i know i do
i see them on your skin
and this feels like
the windows are down and
freshness is flooding my smiling teeth
and surely you feel this too
but everyone feels their own way
everyone has their own
will & way
thoughts & secrets
but you were private in my presence too
so many times i saw your eyes
curve away from me in mystery
& then circle back as though it was fine
i didn't know how to ask
& you didnt know how to tell me
i didnt know about many things
lies can stack themselves, really
they dont even need your help
they just build and build
they just build right over your eyes
and i was there with that smile on my face

I make bad choices.

how much money do I make?
what about how much love
how many insightful comments
how many blanks stares
lopsided smiles
heavy sighs
how much twirled gum on my tongue
how many tap taps with my nails
bad jokes

how many beats per minute
am I worth

research papers always incite blogs

sometimes im just. really obnoxious. and i annoy myself. and gosh so over the top. so write about in a bloggish of you. oh laura. oh roll your eyes. oh shaking head. oh god you lost your phone again didnt you. oh you spent too much money again huh. yeah peter pan complex...messy room...selfish...yeah..yeah...yeah

but just knowing that you exist in the world makes my life seem easier. It makes it better. Even when we aren't on good terms the knowledge that you're there brings me peace.



tell me, do you have someone you feel that way about?

i like the idea of going with the flow...but deep inside it's not who i am. however comfortable it is...there is the sense of a coiled imagination constricted and wishing to reach out beyond my skin. and theses stretches that occur, well they seem uncomfortable because they are, as they should...because it's change, and it occurs without your permission. the need for new splays out its hands and grabs hold of something inside. it shakes something, inside. and these feelings shine in our eyes. they slip into the creases of a troubled expression. they twist our questions around their fingers. but if this were a constant state we would have no homes. no arms to fall into...strange lovers do not hold the same peace. no familiar words to smooth the lump in your throat. and theres this constant struggle of change and familiarity. a need to travel and a need for home. thrilling instability. warming stability. yes a rush of cold air is exciting, but not at all times. a warm touch brings you back to your heart. now arms may seem like traps at times but they can open them too. they can pry the tight jaws of the world that you didnt see sinking into you.

the love is not gone. dont slip away. i am missing you today. you say were not on the same page
but i fold the corners of my heart with you in mind.

one of the doors at work was jammed. who knows why it wouldnt open, but my manager taped a sign on the door to warn others of this unfortunate situation. it said:
the door
it does not work
please use next door
sorry. :o(

me and my coworker laughed, but it was a loving one. because we love our manager for all of his hard work and for his little mistakes. He has a thick accent. he came from El Salvador. he spells american names phonetically. his mustache is usually curled up in a smile. he laughs a warm and full laugh. he accepts you. he shakes his head when youre late but does not scare you. his energy and face are naturally sweet.

Larry, a regular customer, is a middle aged man who always seems bitterly tired. He has the pocked face of someone obsessive. i guess he picks things apart, including his own face. i never see him smile. i never feel positivity from him. he never asks how i am. and i remember his name. his aura, energy, whatever you would call it, is not so repulsive i dread when he comes in, its just not pleasant, not something i want to surround myself in, its the equivalent of a gentle wince. but thats because i dont know larry. today though, i got to understand why i felt this presence from him. i heard him laugh and since ive never heard him laugh, i looked to find out why. he was reading the sign. i chuckled and said, "oh, yeah.." and then he said,
"Made in the USA, right? Am I in America?"
Oh Larry, you shithead.
I was startled by his response and couldnt think of anything to say in those few seconds after he said it, so he just left and i came up with things to say when he was gone.

are you in america? yes you are. it is a diverse place. the man who wrote that came from el salvador, did you know that? he came here because America, the shiny apple that it is, seemed to have more opportunity for him. in fact americans came to california because they thought things would be better there too. they came and squatted on mexican landowners farms until the owners were basically kicked off their own land. (thats a very brief history lesson) and we all know what happened to Native Americans. America is culture. America is undoubtedly crass, sure, but it is choice, it is options, it can be grammatically incorrect.

i broke a lot of hearts at one time. because i was broken too. how cliche. it was a rampage of lost attention. now you see me now you dont. and i said i would call and i didnt. lets hang out with no real intentions of doing so. thoughtful notes with no real feelings attached. detached. smiling with sheer amusement. bored. fickle. careless. chaos i controlled. click. its over. sorry, this isnt what i want. but. generally things get old. this was a couple years ago, maybe more, probably more. i was looking for someone. for me. for something. i looked too close to find it. you know people say its probably right before your eyes. my problem was that i tried to love everything right before my eyes. i tried to focus in what was right there. tangible. fuckable. i didnt just step away. so perhaps you knew this then. but i felt like it was real and that i could love you. and we could draw pictures together and get into explosive arguments that would end in explosive sex. and i thought it would be so convenient. and i thought that together we tasted good. but i thought too much. and i thought out of my element. i thought in loneliness. and i wanted to thank you for holding that other girls hand. for swinging away with her right in front of me.

and i wanna thank the boy that i was sort of trying to see before that. the one that just never called me back while i stared at an empty phone. like a blank face telling me "i am not interested". and i was so excited that i shook him off like a disappointing frost. i was too expectant and i was too much. too everything oozing out at once. desperation really does hang over you like some unflattering cloud fueled by nerves and horniness. would i really wanna date me then either?

these were the two necessary slaps to my ego that i hadnt felt in a while. it felt so good to be crushed again. you are not in control anymore! love has found you out. you are powerless to it. sorry.

and these disappointments occured around the same time because i was so out of sorts i felt it necessary to blur "projects" together. that i wasn't something if there wasn't someone. but i got tired. and i wallowed around wondering where all this yearning energy was going. but one day something inside me just said "relax why dont you?" just make a friend. so i saw you and you knew the same people as me. and i said theres a friend. it helps that hes cute yes. but theres someone to talk to. god dont just hang some heart over their head automatically. and with these ideas it happened naturally. and we fell in love as two unsuspecting people often do. and really i was thankful for those failures because they made me terrified. they made me hesitant and thoughtful. thank you failures. that crazy desperate energy found a way to remain dormant so my feelings could play themselves out and that energy became passion saved for the genuine. and i felt you. and you felt me. and how could i not be in real love without real pain?