i broke a lot of hearts at one time. because i was broken too. how cliche. it was a rampage of lost attention. now you see me now you dont. and i said i would call and i didnt. lets hang out with no real intentions of doing so. thoughtful notes with no real feelings attached. detached. smiling with sheer amusement. bored. fickle. careless. chaos i controlled. click. its over. sorry, this isnt what i want. but. generally things get old. this was a couple years ago, maybe more, probably more. i was looking for someone. for me. for something. i looked too close to find it. you know people say its probably right before your eyes. my problem was that i tried to love everything right before my eyes. i tried to focus in what was right there. tangible. fuckable. i didnt just step away. so perhaps you knew this then. but i felt like it was real and that i could love you. and we could draw pictures together and get into explosive arguments that would end in explosive sex. and i thought it would be so convenient. and i thought that together we tasted good. but i thought too much. and i thought out of my element. i thought in loneliness. and i wanted to thank you for holding that other girls hand. for swinging away with her right in front of me.

and i wanna thank the boy that i was sort of trying to see before that. the one that just never called me back while i stared at an empty phone. like a blank face telling me "i am not interested". and i was so excited that i shook him off like a disappointing frost. i was too expectant and i was too much. too everything oozing out at once. desperation really does hang over you like some unflattering cloud fueled by nerves and horniness. would i really wanna date me then either?

these were the two necessary slaps to my ego that i hadnt felt in a while. it felt so good to be crushed again. you are not in control anymore! love has found you out. you are powerless to it. sorry.

and these disappointments occured around the same time because i was so out of sorts i felt it necessary to blur "projects" together. that i wasn't something if there wasn't someone. but i got tired. and i wallowed around wondering where all this yearning energy was going. but one day something inside me just said "relax why dont you?" just make a friend. so i saw you and you knew the same people as me. and i said theres a friend. it helps that hes cute yes. but theres someone to talk to. god dont just hang some heart over their head automatically. and with these ideas it happened naturally. and we fell in love as two unsuspecting people often do. and really i was thankful for those failures because they made me terrified. they made me hesitant and thoughtful. thank you failures. that crazy desperate energy found a way to remain dormant so my feelings could play themselves out and that energy became passion saved for the genuine. and i felt you. and you felt me. and how could i not be in real love without real pain?