research papers always incite blogs

sometimes im just. really obnoxious. and i annoy myself. and gosh so over the top. so write about in a bloggish of you. oh laura. oh roll your eyes. oh shaking head. oh god you lost your phone again didnt you. oh you spent too much money again huh. yeah peter pan complex...messy room...selfish...yeah..yeah...yeah

but just knowing that you exist in the world makes my life seem easier. It makes it better. Even when we aren't on good terms the knowledge that you're there brings me peace.



tell me, do you have someone you feel that way about?

i like the idea of going with the flow...but deep inside it's not who i am. however comfortable it is...there is the sense of a coiled imagination constricted and wishing to reach out beyond my skin. and theses stretches that occur, well they seem uncomfortable because they are, as they should...because it's change, and it occurs without your permission. the need for new splays out its hands and grabs hold of something inside. it shakes something, inside. and these feelings shine in our eyes. they slip into the creases of a troubled expression. they twist our questions around their fingers. but if this were a constant state we would have no homes. no arms to fall into...strange lovers do not hold the same peace. no familiar words to smooth the lump in your throat. and theres this constant struggle of change and familiarity. a need to travel and a need for home. thrilling instability. warming stability. yes a rush of cold air is exciting, but not at all times. a warm touch brings you back to your heart. now arms may seem like traps at times but they can open them too. they can pry the tight jaws of the world that you didnt see sinking into you.

the love is not gone. dont slip away. i am missing you today. you say were not on the same page
but i fold the corners of my heart with you in mind.

one of the doors at work was jammed. who knows why it wouldnt open, but my manager taped a sign on the door to warn others of this unfortunate situation. it said:
the door
it does not work
please use next door
sorry. :o(

me and my coworker laughed, but it was a loving one. because we love our manager for all of his hard work and for his little mistakes. He has a thick accent. he came from El Salvador. he spells american names phonetically. his mustache is usually curled up in a smile. he laughs a warm and full laugh. he accepts you. he shakes his head when youre late but does not scare you. his energy and face are naturally sweet.

Larry, a regular customer, is a middle aged man who always seems bitterly tired. He has the pocked face of someone obsessive. i guess he picks things apart, including his own face. i never see him smile. i never feel positivity from him. he never asks how i am. and i remember his name. his aura, energy, whatever you would call it, is not so repulsive i dread when he comes in, its just not pleasant, not something i want to surround myself in, its the equivalent of a gentle wince. but thats because i dont know larry. today though, i got to understand why i felt this presence from him. i heard him laugh and since ive never heard him laugh, i looked to find out why. he was reading the sign. i chuckled and said, "oh, yeah.." and then he said,
"Made in the USA, right? Am I in America?"
Oh Larry, you shithead.
I was startled by his response and couldnt think of anything to say in those few seconds after he said it, so he just left and i came up with things to say when he was gone.

are you in america? yes you are. it is a diverse place. the man who wrote that came from el salvador, did you know that? he came here because America, the shiny apple that it is, seemed to have more opportunity for him. in fact americans came to california because they thought things would be better there too. they came and squatted on mexican landowners farms until the owners were basically kicked off their own land. (thats a very brief history lesson) and we all know what happened to Native Americans. America is culture. America is undoubtedly crass, sure, but it is choice, it is options, it can be grammatically incorrect.

i broke a lot of hearts at one time. because i was broken too. how cliche. it was a rampage of lost attention. now you see me now you dont. and i said i would call and i didnt. lets hang out with no real intentions of doing so. thoughtful notes with no real feelings attached. detached. smiling with sheer amusement. bored. fickle. careless. chaos i controlled. click. its over. sorry, this isnt what i want. but. generally things get old. this was a couple years ago, maybe more, probably more. i was looking for someone. for me. for something. i looked too close to find it. you know people say its probably right before your eyes. my problem was that i tried to love everything right before my eyes. i tried to focus in what was right there. tangible. fuckable. i didnt just step away. so perhaps you knew this then. but i felt like it was real and that i could love you. and we could draw pictures together and get into explosive arguments that would end in explosive sex. and i thought it would be so convenient. and i thought that together we tasted good. but i thought too much. and i thought out of my element. i thought in loneliness. and i wanted to thank you for holding that other girls hand. for swinging away with her right in front of me.

and i wanna thank the boy that i was sort of trying to see before that. the one that just never called me back while i stared at an empty phone. like a blank face telling me "i am not interested". and i was so excited that i shook him off like a disappointing frost. i was too expectant and i was too much. too everything oozing out at once. desperation really does hang over you like some unflattering cloud fueled by nerves and horniness. would i really wanna date me then either?

these were the two necessary slaps to my ego that i hadnt felt in a while. it felt so good to be crushed again. you are not in control anymore! love has found you out. you are powerless to it. sorry.

and these disappointments occured around the same time because i was so out of sorts i felt it necessary to blur "projects" together. that i wasn't something if there wasn't someone. but i got tired. and i wallowed around wondering where all this yearning energy was going. but one day something inside me just said "relax why dont you?" just make a friend. so i saw you and you knew the same people as me. and i said theres a friend. it helps that hes cute yes. but theres someone to talk to. god dont just hang some heart over their head automatically. and with these ideas it happened naturally. and we fell in love as two unsuspecting people often do. and really i was thankful for those failures because they made me terrified. they made me hesitant and thoughtful. thank you failures. that crazy desperate energy found a way to remain dormant so my feelings could play themselves out and that energy became passion saved for the genuine. and i felt you. and you felt me. and how could i not be in real love without real pain?

when you're feeling sad

You open the door,
but just as I think I have made it in,
you shut it on my chest,
my lungs collapse on its hinges
& my heart is shaking out onto a pillow.
I'm swallowed by sheets,
but they dont hold me like you,
they don't kiss my neck & slide inside of me,
they are flat &, without dimension, I am too.
I am wandering in a depthless blue,
I am thinking up sad lyrics of you,
I am walking in my own shoes.
My soul stays in my eyes & does not bounce off of you,
& I don't look so good these days, its true.
They say some new clothes & color might perk things up,
but I don't find you on a hanger or in box,
I wish maybe that I could put you there though,
because you hang on the hooks of my thoughts,
you tangle the wants and what I oughts,
& in defense I make a shield of superficial strength,
until it becomes my own abilities and skin
until I become the door worth looking in.

Life is passing me by
I forget to floss
I forget to stop and fuck the roses
I sense this
and I wanna be senseless
but there is money involved
and I pay for knowledge
and I pay for gas
I pay for fun and I pay for fast
I hope for skills
and I want like, an awesome tan
I want a degree
so at the reunion I can say im important
and people will say "oh really? that's interesting."
I want walls of my own
vacations that I save up for
drugs and groceries to buy
but this idea of routine
makes me pull out my fake color hair
that I bought from a box
cuz I think genetics need some help
and I think a lot of things need help
but people are helpless to ask for it
I think my thoughts are just constant distractions
but and theres usually a but
thoughts are really exceptional
except for brains in small boxes
minds with no color spectrum
signals simple and thick
like the lamest greeting card you didnt think up at all
I dont wanna be friends with that
but I always want people to wanna be friends with me
even though its much cooler to seem like you dont care
im pretty sure thats stupid though and not in my genetics
and sometimes genetics don't need help
sometimes you were born with all the right chemicals
sure, you probably have a.d.d
your attention could have no structure
it could be spiky and resistant
you could be writing about things that are pouring from your head
and spilling in circles that you hope someone will like

im not cynical about love,
if anything i need to be a little more bitter....or whats another word for that.....realistic?
but when i hear people talking about forever
and its only been a couple of months
im as concerned as a tattoo that senses it will be removed
and i know everything looks good from out there on the bleachers
but when you get close, there is sweat, and mud and heat
theres exhaustion, blood, and grinding teeth
and if you dont take the proper time to get to know the grit first
youll be dehydrated by the early intoxication of sweet
and i know the path is long and the beginning is charged,
i just dont think there should be any shortcuts when meaning is involved

you, i, we, want to say the right things
words that are beautiful
words that keep us safe for when we need them
but speech can be clumsy
it can be crude and wait thats not what i meant
i didnt mean to say it that way!
famous voices can put you, me, us to shame
and in some situations,
language is tied to the chair of our emotions
and you, i, we simply can not speak
the thoughts that are scratching can not be let out
our tongues are bound by a silenced logic
but i want you to know how i feel!
because love isnt all beautiful
and the unromantic can really be romantic in disguise
so ill try to spell it out for you cuz i know youre not a very good speller.

go out dancing

youre a beautiful girl on a friday night
the world around you will stop and look
at you feeling the chemicals you took
but this is all for a release
for the pinches of pressure to cease
just your body caught in a wave
music telling it how to behave
to obey the bass
shaking from the ground to your face
with those eyes made dark and bright
to speak through the dim of the light
they might call out for a dancing knight
to rescue you from the beasts that hold tight
to the sway of your hips without permission
who surprise you into submission
should your telling eyes be heard

the right moves will pull you away from the absurd
because you are meant to move this way
you listen to speakers in respect

let the beats make their speech
your attention they do beseech
so shake your ass and be polite
as they speak to you tonight

We wear a coat of memories
and the longer we wear,
the thicker it gets,
and it is warm and protective
but it is heavy and possessive
so when you remove such safe threads
when you try to pluck a warmth that has grown over time
the cold that spikes up your skin can feel like
waking up alone in the morning over and over
but you won't forget the heat that was there
no, you couldn't forget that

i like to make friends
and meet new people
and take pictures with these people
and get drunk and dance
and smile pretty and wear dangerous shoes
i like to make conversation in bathroom lines
and tell girls how pretty they look cuz i know it makes them feel good
i like to make jokes and make people think im charming
and im special and im sweet and theres no one like
but i dont get close to many people
i cant say i love more than a handful of people
i mean this drink is really good
but you havent seen me throwing up my life
you havent read what i write
you havent seen me cry
you havent really felt me
and you probably wont
but it was nice to meet you