a secret

when we were in middle school i was really annoyed one day and i wished we would lose touch. after our friendship grew stronger i hated myself for wishing that but put it in the back of my mind. now that it's happening i can only wish that i will be more important than other plans and cities

family

i went christmas shopping with my dad. i played the quietest cd mix i have for the drive to the mall (because he says that some of the singers i listen to sound like they are on fire). he told me his favorite order of pets. We have 5. Before I tell you the order he chose, here is some background information about this ark of pets:

Harlow, the forever short and stout english lab. she looks like a puppy, always. when you come home it is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to her, every time. she must put something in her mouth in order to show you just how excited she is/to present something to you. this means mouthfuls of mud and leaves if mud and leaves are nearby. her mouth shows no mercy. often times there will be a shredded something on the stairs to the front door. shredded package, shredded pillow. destroyed hairbrush, splintered fragments everywhere. hacked up shoe. something you didnt even consider appealing or chewable to a dog, such as: my mom's blue tooth. will chew everything in her path if in reach, but she is so fucking adorable none of this matters. she is known for her ass wiggle and sticking out her paw as if to shake your hand. quickly wants to leave the room if you dont pay attention to her. does not understand you not wanting to pay attention to her. she will also try to escape out of the gate when you are leaving and then proceeds to circle the car because she thinks were going to take her somewhere fun.

Luna, the strange and awkward mix of Australian shephard and German shephard. stuck in the teenage body of a dog. she used to pee everytime i came home. i dont know what changed but occasionally on some very weird occurrence she will leave behind a puddle of her confusing joy. she is quiet and eats delicately. she will also lick your face off, aiming specifically for your mouth. she is obedient and sometimes stares at you creepily. once you stop paying attention to her she will lose all sense of this obedience and move about spastically until you clap/snap/ weird combination of sounds and tell her to go away. her eyes have the longing look of a sibling that always comes in second.

Black and White Cat- yes, that is his name because we couldn't think of names for the cats when I was in sixth grade. always around. can be found sleeping in most rooms of the house. perpetually frightened. runs away everytime my boyfriend enters the room. huge eyes and tuxedo patterned fur. any sudden movement is good for a scare. although, when cornered he can hold his ground by swatting paws and growling. sometimes we mistake him for Black Cat when we see his tail but when he turns around to reveal his big terrified eyes, we are disappointed he is not Black Cat.

Black Cat, a badass. affectionate and adventurous. looks like a mini mini panther. used to come home with all kinds of scars on his head from cat battling. all healed now except for a small mike tyson piece of his ear missing. the kind of cat you can push down to pet and rub his belly. sometimes he makes rare appearances, and when he does it always a delight. he enjoys the company of his family. has the air of a cat veteran. he will not make friends with Phoenix, but is patient with him.

Phoenix- an orange bag of fluff. possibly one of the prettiest cats i've seen but a serious attitude sometimes. he roams about as he pleases but is often found sleeping in the dog bed or my mother's chair, or waiting at the food bowl. somehow, he is always just around the corner. he tries to attack harlow. tries to befriend Black Cat. his extremely fluffy tail reminds me of a phoenix's long swooping tail. because he can be so whiny it only makes you want to capture him more. he was much sweeter as a kitten, but once he discovered independence he'd never go back
.
Jake, not really our pet but, basically. enormous lab/retriever mix. giant head and mouth, but he is still a baby at heart. skittish sometimes. any loud sound and he is the first to run away. any strange placement of furniture or even grocery bags and he will not walk around them, he will just look at them timidly. yawns very loudly. puts his head on your lap when youre eating. has one of the best begging faces ive seen. lumbers around our yard. destroys toys in record time. gets very excited about new toys, he even has a special prancing dance ritual that he does around the new sacrifice. expressive small brown eyes. sleeps a lot. tries to sleep while harlow chews on his face. our "grandchild"

my dad says, "my favorite pets are in the order as follows"
1. Black Cat
2. Jake
3. Phoenix (almost a tie with Jake)

merry christmas

do you know why i love you so much?
it's because i can take a shower with you
no i dont mean those sexy showers
that just smudge your mascara
that you share with someone to show that you're fun
and you're exciting & don't mind messing yourself up a bit
i mean a real shower with real love
really naked and really loved
face scrubbing
prickly shaving
toothpaste foaming
beautiful.

I had no idea. I'm so sorry. I stumbled across this information. She bought my birthday present when you didnt have enough time to. It was an unfortunate looking tassel purse with lipgloss and the edited version of the 8 mile soundtrack inside of it. I remember she would always catch you in your bullshit- like that time we made a huge mess in your bathroom back when you lived in Lafayette. We left tooth paste & toilet paper everywhere and you blamed it on your dad-as if he would just go in there and fuck it up and leave it that way. Your mom said "Bullshit! Clean this up!" I have that very clear memory of her. She wouldn't take your crap.  I see her smoking by the pool and laughing.

cry to be close

in some ways, you are as hard as the bricks your father has built around you
i know when your cynicism hatches into your thoughts
but ive seen you cry with rolling credits across your face
ive felt your lungs break when i asked if you were okay
ive seen your eyes and your trust hang to the floor
i saw the makeup roll off your face when you told me you were afraid to be close
i know when your anger starts to melt into drops
i know when art overwhelms your soul
i know the hand that wrings my own heart
when i see rivers slide down your jaw
because your heart plays music
for only a privileged few
it plays louder
than your father's negativity
and it bursts through
the bricks around you

sometimes i rhyme

tell me about this "fuck love" attitude
love is what we never fully understand
it is beyond the dimension in which we stand
but people try to make it flat for you.
now tell me about this "fuck love" attitude
fuck complaints, strains, and demands
fuck whys and becauses, what did i do
fuck dying dreams, i give up, meant to bes
fuck i dont have the time, i wasnt thinking
fuck internal tortures, the distance overseas
fuck the lacking, the tired, the sinking
fuck hormones, chemicals, and nerves
fuck i told yous and you got what you deserves
fuck the memories built above
but never, never, fuck love.

im not sure if you read this.

i used to read your livejournal all the time, when you wrote in it.

i was always interested in what you had to say, whatever it was about.

we have separate lives but we're always right near each other

i see you riding your bike down the street

but you're too fast for me

i see pictures of you with lots of people and it makes me smile but

it's been too long my friend

you don't know what's going on with me

and i don't know what's going on with you

there's too much to talk about

and i dont know why im afraid to say hello

The first thing I noticed
and how could I not,
when you came back to me
was your enormous boots.
you came barreling down my stairs
and despite all of the built up words
anchored in my chest,
despite all the mixture of love and doubt
creating their own universe in my head,
despite the unresolved rusting between us,
all i could think was:
"look at those giant boots!"
after we had said everything with eyes and
daring hands,
i decided your boots should leave
because i love you but my mother grew this heart.
but when you kissed me goodnight
the tight laces you had tied
unraveled and opened
the tongues peeled and unfolded,
and in the morning i saw
enormous boots
looking back at me.

One Sided Rush

(Not about Blaine)

I'm hesitant to tell you at first,
if you buy too much meat it will spoil,
but, i tell you because
we've told each other things for years.
my face is flush with a kiss,
my eyes are round with promises,
my hands fly in recollection;
i tell you all about it.
but the more i say,
the more you can tell
that my blood is pumping quicker
than the focus of its speed.
im realizing,
but im feeling so fast,
im feeling so caught in the wind,
it all becomes blurry,
but you're sitting there,
watching me,
and you know.