Thursday, December 25, 2008

for matt and amy

It started out simply, a connection through wires.

You like The Doors too? Lets see where this goes..

I’m weary of love’s promises and liars.

Are you thinking the same? Maybe it shows..


It began to grow with laughter in the heart.

I want to know more, learn all about you.

Where do you come from, end up and start?

Where will you go and can I come too?


It blossomed with longing and affection.

I like to wake up with you beside me dear.

We can share, make things our collection,

because I miss you even when you're near.


It matured with communication and trust.

These are my habits, bad and good.

Tell me when I’m wrong or unjust,

because for you I’ll do what I should.


It does not grow old but continues to thrive.

We can sit on the couch perfectly content.

With you I’m happy and reminded I’m alive,

because you’re worth the time spent.


Your eyes give me the most wonderful peace,

even when my world is sinking love.

You find the words to give me the sweetest release,

because it’s you I’m always thinking of.


Wednesday, December 17, 2008

rambling from freshmen year

My mother groans when I have built a laundry fortress
and my empire continues to expand.
I have her eyes and chin, and that ladder of optimism
she keeps in dark places. I wonder if it will ever break.
I used to make frustrating lines appear on my father’s face
when small loads of sand from my shoes appeared everywhere.
I would like to think that’s how writing is,
infinite grains of ideas, sometimes left in peculiar places, spilling out.
I like to drive to nowhere in particular,
wondering where the other boxes are traveling.
Reading their expressions through the sideways glance,
rushed, sad, nonchalant, and the occasional excitement of a horn.
Always going, going, going,
their heart the constant driver.
They say people come and go in your life,
but I don’t believe so, when I meet the same ones everywhere.
I hear people tell me that I need to take on more responsibilities,
then they laugh and tell me to enjoy not having so many.
I’m young but my excuses are narrowing with time.
I like to catch you off guard in a picture,
When the moment is just right or just wrong
and you are truly you.
I like the rain and its effect on me.
I fall down with it, blend into its chorus,
and carry it with me, even when I have left its side.
Sometimes I am clumsy in body and mind,
but my sense of humor gives me balance.
I love to see through love’s eyes.
I love to make you forget the trivial.
Every time I see that it is 11:11, I wish.
Every time I think of my future, I hope.
I know that life is full of beautiful things,
things I try to understand and make and do.
I know the fire is still burning,
and it can grow or die.
I know I am only a blink in the eye of the world-
but I hope to be a memorable bat of lash-
to those I hold dear.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

to you and you and you

Things that you would like to say to people but couldnt find the words/time/ and/or guts to do so....
Update from time to time

im so happy you're with him, youd be a rockin sister-in-law (this ones kinda obvious)
you were the last blow to my ego. hope you learn not to run from things, and find happiness
leave me alone. i dont need updates on your life and you dont need updates on mine. move on.
i thought you were really fun/seemed cool in high school but weve never hung out.
i think you're the better version of me. i'm glad you guys are together.
i dont think we'll be friends again and that makes me sad.
just talk to me.
we can't hang out. its too late
it was nice talking to you the other night, i think i will enjoy getting to know you.
i wish we had talked a little more before class ended.
you give me something to look forward to.
i had a dream about you and it was weird because weve never officially met.
don't tell me were going to be together again someday. it was weird that you said that.
i dont think you like me very much because that night i met you at his party, but i secretly think you're cool and want to get to know you.
you can do way better. i know it. you know it.
you say you're a feminist yet you have that whole princess locked in a tower thing going on
um you said you wanted to kick my ass and you kind of scared me but i think you're fascinating and beautiful
i love your taste in art/music/movies
i knew that you didnt really like me
im sorry i was an asshole.
you were a great teacher and inspired me to keep writing.
the thought of you not being around anymore breaks my heart, your support means the world to me
im so sorry i ever hurt your trust, even though we dont talk as much anymore, i still think you are amazing.
you wrote so beautifully, what happened to you?
you were the first person to break my heart and im so thankful it was you.
im happy we got to hang out last summer, becoming your friend has been great.
if you hurt her again, i will drive over there and punch you.
you have everything and you can't see that at all.
theres no excuse for cheating on her
your friendship means more to me than you think
you creep me out a little bit
i know you dont like me, and i understand. just dont make him miserable please, he loves you so much.
i always wonder what would have happened if i stayed later that night.
you seem to have grown up a lot.
your energy helps me stay positive.
i do want to talk to you, im just weird and like to stay in my room sometimes.
you are so goofy and i like it.
im worried youre becoming more superficial
i miss hanging out with you
i miss how we used to talk for hours on end and it felt like you were addicted to me.











Sunday, December 14, 2008

Laura tagged you in a blog.

is this the only way people keep in contact anymore?

sometimes i just want to delete them, but i feel like thats the equivalent of falling off the face of the earth

and sometimes i want to fall off the face of the earth, 
i dont want to know what everybody in facebook world is up to 

i dont want to look at pictures of people i know, once knew, barely know, dont know 
judge them by their quotes, but i do

yeah and here i am complaining about social networking sites, on my computer
i realize.

maybe i just a miss a simpler time

"Walter Benjamin’s famous essay “The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction” remains one of the best analyses of this modern ambivalence toward technology. Written in 1935, it stands as an artifact of that ambivalence as well. In speaking of the mechanical reproduction of objects that were once created by hand, Benjamin laments the loss of the original object’s “aura,” its unique situatedness in space and time. What gives that object its aura, Benjamin surmises, is the artist’s relationship to the materials out of which it is made; mechanical reproduction strips the object of that relationship, fetishizing it into instant commodity form."

Sunday, December 7, 2008

haha

i thought these were hilarious
i had fun watching them with you too
i like how you make me feel
at the same time im scared of getting closer to you because of how wonderful you are. 
this week will be really stressful, i have an enormous project due tomorrow and a final on wednesday and all i wanna do is hang out with you.   
ive got red bull, but no you

Thursday, November 20, 2008

the glass just is

i remember in my public speaking class our teacher
asked us to do an impromptu speech on whether
the glass is half empty or half full.
i listened to people explain why the world
always had something to look forward to
or why we were all going to hell.
if you stay positive you can accomplish great things
/no matter how hard you try youre fucked over 
have a positive outlook and good things will come
/lower your expectations so you won't be disappointed.
i said "I see it as just a glass,
you can't have one without knowing that the other exists.
You don't know happiness if you don't know pain.
You don't know full if you don't know empty."
i was glad simply for having a different answer
then the guy asked to speak after me said the same thing.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

hah.

we were looking up names on urbandictionary.com and this was one for laura
6.Laura64 up19 down love ithate it
a laura is a being, typically female, with an overall good personality 
-lauras generally listen to good music and lack their own form of transportation 
-one major flaw some lauras possess is their failure to watch donnie darko as often as they should 
-although lauras have some faults, they are typically above average intelligence and liked by most 

"dude, did you just see that laura over there?" 

"i so did man, i so didddddddd" 

"lauras generally listen to good music and lack their own form of transportation" 
im taking the bus/BART home for thanksgiving..yeahhh
and yes i need to get donnie darko.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

yeah yeahhhh....

1. Last cigarette: ummmmm like 2 years ago and it was my first one
2. Last beverage: orange juice
3. Last phone call: my mom
4. Last text message: shamrina
5. Last CD played: a cd mix for my shower woo!
6. Last bubble bath: forever ago
7. Last time you cried: hah...when i was on the phone with the tech support lady for my crashed laptop
8. Last meal: teriyaki chicken sandwich with stir fry vegetables

EIGHT Have You’s

1. Have you ever dated someone twice? yes..but i remembered why it didnt work out the first time

2. Have you ever been cheated on? yeah

3. Have you ever bought condoms? nope, they're free in some places you know, condom connections

4. Have you ever kissed someone & regreted it? yes

5. Have you ever fallen in love? yes, there's no "kind of" way to answer that

6. Have you ever lost someone? if this refers to death, i dont think lost is the right word, but yes. 

7. Have you ever been depressed? sure, i think its healthy to have been at one point.

8. Have you ever been drunk and thrown up? woopsie. some nights have not agreed with me.

Name SIX things you did in the past three days

1. went out to thai with shamrina

2. saw ashley's kitten

3. smoking adventures/non adventures

4. talked to my mom for awhile

5. king's cup

6. couch potatoed with some cool people


List THREE people you can tell pretty much anything to
1. shamrina
2. bora
3. mom
List THREE favorite colors
1. turquoise
2. pink
3. black, and dont give me that its not a color business

List TWO things you want to do before you die

1.) have a meaningful career
2.) travel the world with somebody i love

SO FAR IN 08′…

Made a new friend- yesm

Done something you swore never to do - hmm..i think so?

Laughed until you cried -yes, my annual goal

Went behind your parents back - welllll i had a party when they werent there..

Met someone who changed your life - well, a couple of people have given me a new perspective
Gotten close to someone- yeah, its funny to think about there ever being an awkward stage with some people isnt it?

Found out who your true friends were - i definitely think the older you get the more you find out who your true friends are. you meet people and you filter through them over the years and you find the good ones are still sticking around. 

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF……

1. Bush? youve been replaced.

2. Gay Marriage? Love is love.

4. Straight, Gay, Bi? whatever makes you happy

6. Who is the best hugger that you know? hmmm i dont think theres a champion for that title yet. but to all the people who give those pat pat, barely touching, might as well hug a pole hugs, you suck. 

7. Do you believe in love at first sight? if you're seeing with your pants

8. Is there something you want to tell someone? kinda

9. What brand of shirt are you wearing? a comfy one

10. Do you like anybody right now? : }

11. Does anybody like you? do they?

12. How many bf/gfs have you said "I love you" to and meant it? 2

13. How many kids do you want to have? 2 i think...

14. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? i love them with all my heart

15. Do you wanna change your name? nay

16. What will you do for your birthday? umm celebrate the legalization of my intoxication 

17. What time did you wake up today? 10-11

18. What were you doing at midnight last night? couching it up at shamrinas

19. Name something you CANNOT wait to do: i CANNOT wait to come home for thanksgiving

20. Last time you saw your dad? a few weeks ago

21. What is one thing you wish you could change about yourself? i wish i was more motivated sometimes

22. Which hand do you like better? well the left hand came in a close second

23. What are you listening to right now? damien rice

25. Have you ever donated money to a good cause? why yes. but i think ice cream is also a good cause.

26. Have you ever talked about someone behind their back? who hasnt?  ....you bitch

27. Least favorite month? i dunno, february/ march? nothing really happening for me there

28. What’s the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone? ummm i dont remember...maybe i should borrow more things

29. Who’s getting on your nerves right now? my nerves are alright

30. Most visited webpage? spacebook

31. Would you help your best friend fight if he/she is losing? of course

32. Coke or Pepsi? coke

33. What’s the worst day of your life? fuck you question

34. Have you kissed or been kissed by anyone in the past week? i got one of those european kiss kiss face introductions

35. Do you disagree with a lot of things going on in the world? i think you would have to be kind of fucked up if you agreed with a lot of what was going on in the world. 

Friday, November 14, 2008

The Man He Killed

by Thomas Hardy

Had he and I but met
   By some old ancient inn,
We should have set us down to wet
   Right many a nipperkin! 

   But ranged as infantry,
   And staring face to face,
I shot at him as he at me,
   And killed him in his place. 

   I shot him dead because—
   Because he was my foe,
Just so: my foe of course he was;
   That's clear enough; although 

   He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
   Off-hand like—just as I—
Was out of work—had sold his traps—
   No other reason why. 

   Yes; quaint and curious war is!
   You shoot a fellow down
You'd treat, if met where any bar is,
   Or help to half a crown.


You know when if under different circumstances, you think you could be friends with someone? 

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

this is what your heart tells you to do?

"What is this, to you? Nobody is asking you to embrace their expression of love. But don't you, as human beings, have to embrace... that love? The world is barren enough.

It is stacked against love, and against hope, and against those very few and precious emotions that enable us to go forward. Your marriage only stands a 50-50 chance of lasting, no matter how much you feel and how hard you work.

And here are people overjoyed at the prospect of just that chance, and that work, just for the hope of having that feeling.  With so much hate in the world, with so much meaningless division, and people pitted against people for no good reason, this is what your religion tells you to do? With your experience of life and this world and all its sadnesses, this is what your conscience tells you to do?

With your knowledge that life, with endless vigor, seems to tilt the playing field on which we all live, in favor of unhappiness and hate... this is what your heart tells you to do? You want to sanctify marriage? You want to honor your God and the universal love you believe he represents? Then Spread happiness—this tiny, symbolic, semantical grain of happiness—share it with all those who seek it. "

shamrina showed me this video, and i know some people are saying oh prop 8 passed get over it, but i haveta hope that somebody-anybody would be willing to open their mind just a little more from this. 

"All you need do is stand, and let the tiny ember of love meet its own fate.  

You don't have to help it, you don't have it applaud it, you don't have to fight for it. Just don't put it out. Just don't extinguish it." 

Monday, November 10, 2008

Riding a Bike

     His face is leaning in towards mine, and quite honestly I am terrified. My memory flashes to
when I was about eight years old, riding a bike for the first time. I feel old and useless on this 
rusted bike; all of the other children know how to ride by now and I am just starting. The bike 
looks harmless enough, its fading purple paint and daisy stickers are peeling off and the glittery
handle bars seem inviting. This modest machine, however, would later turn into wheels of 
horror.
   
      I start off timidly, no need to rush. I wobble a couple of feet down my flat and welcoming
driveway, building confidence and speed. I have not yet mastered the brakes as I am still 
dragging my feet on the cement, but I am feeling braver. After a couple hours of practice, I feel
I am ready to ride down the street. I begin to peddle painfully slow, my handle bars and eyes 
sparkling in the sun. I am ready now; I can feel my heart knocking through my chest and the 
stale summer air rushing onto my round cheeks. I am riding a bike! I am riding, riding, riding a
bike! I am going, going, going-to fall.

     A small rock makes my front wheel swerve to the left, and suddenly I am hurtling down my
neighbor's monstrously steep driveway. My honey colored hair is crashing like waves under my 
pink helmet, my breath is violently bouncing out of my lungs, and my small and helpless hands
are digging into the handlebars in glittery terror. After it feels as though I have ridden down a 
cheese grater, I am slammed into my neighbor's garage door. This abrupt ending leaves me 
stunned until I begin to feel the warm flow of reality running out of my nose. The blood is
persistent and steadily leaks through the cracks of my fingers. By the time my mother has come
to help me, my sleeves are damp with crimson and my bike looks as though it has been 
murdered. The mix of tears and blood on my face almost makes me unrecognizable, but that
awful, rusted bike is unmistakably mine.

     He softly brushes his lips to mine and says gently, "Don't worry, it's just like riding a bike."

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

new laptop, puppy, and president

the breeder said she liked my hair because it looked like it was on fire.

her name is harlow
like the beautiful, blonde, and spunky actress gene harlow from the 30's. 

and she is incredifuckingbly cute. 

Photobucket

Photobucket


Monday, November 3, 2008

i was thinking about oil

while i was going to sleep but my cat wont shut the fuck up so im writing this.
i dont know if i will keep it yet. i dont know who its supposed to be about. i dont know i dont know i dont knoooow.

the boy was young and bright
but filled with toxic notions
that love filled your veins with heavy black
and it spat you out of the earth
until you were dried up and worthless.
he met women that tried to purify him,
said wings hid in these polluted thoughts.
he met women who drained his energy
drilled to be deeper inside,
buried by their own dirt.
women who said he poisoned their oceans,
cried out for floating skeletons,
but at his feet he hadn't noticed
the path of matches
the flames climbing up his spine
by the friction of melting lips
the feelings burning
in his throat
and he wanted so badly to tell her
the word he thought left you worthless.







Sunday, November 2, 2008

Maynard said


"...I'm sure many of you have had that situation where you've, uh, come in contact with someone who you thought you had some kind of connection with, but their behavior was so eractic and over the top and scattered that you're not sure what hit you; kinda like a tornado relationship..."



Cast the calming apple
Up and over satellites
To draw out the timid wild one
To convince you it's all right

And I listen for the whisper
Of your sweet insanity
While I formulate denials
Of your effect on me

You're a stranger
So what do I care?
You vanish today
Not the first time I hear
All the lies
What am I to do with all this silence?

Shy away, shy away phantom
Run away, terrified child
Won't you move away
Fuckin' tornado
I'm better off without you
Tearin' my will down

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Monday, October 27, 2008

sometimes i cant escape my own world

and sometimes all of my problems seem so small


Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there–on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.

– Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot, 1994

Sunday, October 26, 2008

floating upon the surface for the birds

you want me?
well come on and break the door down
you want me?
fucking come on and break the door down
im ready, im ready
im ready

i like when songs have a swear word in them that you don't expect, it makes it seem more rewarding

an increasingly balkanized world so badly needs it

"The association between stress and heart disease appears so strong that Newsweek magazine dedicated nearly a whole issue to the topic in the fall of 2005 with a feature article by renowned cardiologist Dr. Dean Ornish, the first person to prove the reversal of plaque build-up in arteries. Ornish states that love, expressed through compassion, is often the missing component in people prone to heart disease."


Love is Real Medicine

People who survive a heart attack often describe it as a wake-up call. But for a 61 year old executive I met recently, it was much more than that. This man was in the midst of a divorce when he was stricken last spring, and he had fallen out of touch with friends and family members. The Executive’s doctor, unaware of the strife in his life, counseled him to change his diet, start exercising and quit smoking. He also prescribed drugs to lower cholesterol and blood pressure. It was sound advice, but in combing the medical literature, the patient discovered that he needed to do more. Studies suggested that his risk of dying within six months would be four times greater if he remained depressed and lonely. So he joined a support group and reordered his priorities, placing relationships at the top of the list instead of bottom. His health has improved steadily since then, and so has his outlook on life. In fact he now describes his heart attack as the best that ever happened to him. “yes, my arteries are more open”, he says. “but even more important, I am more open”.

Medicine today focuses primarily on drugs and surgery, genes and germs, microbes and molecules. Yet love and intimacy are at the root of what makes us sick and what makes us well. If a new medication had the same impact, failure to prescribe it would be malpractice. Connections with other people affect not only the quality of our lives but also our survival. Study after study find that people who feel lonely are many a times more likely to to get cardiovascular disease than those who have a strong sense of connection and community. I'm not aware of any other factor in medicine- not diet, not exercise, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery- that has a greater impact on our quality of life, incidence of illness and premature death.

In part, this is because people who are lonely are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors. Getting through the day becomes more important than living a long life when you have no one else to live for. As one patient told me, “ I have got 20 friends in this pack of cigarettes. They are always for me. You want to take away my 20 friends? What are you going to give me instead?” Other patients take refuge in food, alcohol or drugs: “When I feel lonely, I eat a lot of fat, it coats my nerves and numbs the pain”. But, loneliness is not just a barrier to fitness. Even when you eat right, exercise and avoid smoking, it increases your risk of early death.

Fortunately, love protects your heart in ways that we don’t completely understand. In one study at Yale, men and women who felt the most loved and supported had substantially less blockage in their coronary arteries. Similarly, researchers from Case Western Reserve University studied almost 10000 married men and found that those who answered “yes” to this simple question- “does your wife show you her love?”- had significantly less angina (chest pain). And when researchers at Duke surveyed men and women with heart disease, those who were single and lacked confidants were three times as likely to have died after five years. In all three studies, the protective effects of love were independent of other risk factors.

Awareness is the first step in healing. When we understand the connection between how we live and how long we live, it’s easier to make different choices. Instead of viewing the time we spend with friends and family as luxuries, we can see that these relationships are among the most powerful determinants of our well being and survival. We are hard-wired to help each other. Science is documenting the healing values of love, intimacy, community, compassion, forgiveness, altruism and service-values that are part of almost all spiritual traditions as well as many secular ones. Seen in this context, being unselfish maybe the most self-serving approach to life, for it helps free both the giver and recipient from suffering, disease and premature death. Rediscovering the wisdom of love and compassion may help us survive at a time when an increasingly balkanized world so badly needs it.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

you got this python hollerin' for mercy

original version


infinitely better version

the lyrics to this song are kinda ridiculous, i think cocorosie makes it seem more meaningful

So for the moment while
We jamming at this party
You're wining hard on me
Pushing everything
Right back on top of me
Yeah-hey-ai
But if you think
You're gonna get away from me
You better change your mind
'Cause you're going home
You're going home with me tonight

So let me hold you
Come caress my body
You got me going crazy
Turn me on

Ooh yeah, let me jam you
I say wine all around me
'Cause you got me going crazy
Turn me on

One hand just on the ground
My Bumper cock is sky high
Wining hard on me
You got this python
Hollerin' for mercy
Yea-Hey-ai
And then I whisper in her ear
''Wine harder''
And then she said to me
''Boy just push that thing
Push it harder back on me''

So let me hold you
Come caress my body
You got me going crazy
Turn me on
Ooh yeah, let me jam you
I say wine all-all-all around me
'Cause you got me going crazy
Turn me on

i love covers of songs, or remixes
it makes you either appreciate the original that much more or it makes you fall in love with the same song all over again.
or in this case just a way better version

Sunday, October 19, 2008

i am too much. i get distracted so easily. i get weighed down by things i should just forget about. i whine in my blog about it.
sometimes i wonder if i took some kind of medication
if id be different
if id be less passionate about certain things
or maybe my emotions would be more in check
and i could be motivated to finish the things i start

and then i just say whatever until i randomly think of this again

From behind my ear strands of fiber spindled down,
Formed by details constricting and coiling around,
Bound by the exhaustion of analysis,
Raw and rough to create calluses.
All these endless scenarios are tightly pulled together,
To distract me in every endeavor.
And I am wrapped by heavy curiosity,
Weighed by self-destructive ferocity.
Prisoner to the battles my mind has fought,
Tied to the tracks of my train of thought.

and so this isnt a completely depressing post...here is a video alex showed me that makes me laugh
i love the sound effects included

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

hermoso que puede ser el mundo

i am pretty sure nobody reads this. but its like a journal for me, and i guess its safer to put things on here rather than just my computer. i am running on about 3 1/2 hours of sleep. it is amazing and awful.

a few days ago this old woman came up to me and said "i love to see young people living their life." i wasnt doing anything particularily special, i was just sitting on a bench with my backpack.
i wonder what made her say that...?
"i love when old people randomly talk to me"

youtube only likes this with subtitles apparently. this reminds me that i used to be good at spanish. yo necesito dormir.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

i felt like this

In the morning I told you you had such pretty eyes
as I saw them peeking up and rising over blanket hills.
You said you felt so naked, and you were.
I felt so vulnerable, and I was.
The heart on my sleeve was bursting and crumpled
on the floor from the night before.
You held me so close, but on the drive home your voice let me go.
I wished all the fruits of our passion weren't so quickly sliced,
So soon and so rushed, smeared up against the sides,
All the seeds of thoughts splitting and making a mess in our heads,
but this might make the most beautiful blend of insecurities,
and all these splattered worries
may collect themselves and mix into
the sweetest taste.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

in the closet

is where i hid my first boyfriend while my mom went to kiss me goodbye in the morning. one time she told me she actually needed something out of my closet, and i somehow distracted her to go to the kitchen. then i opened the closet door and told him with huge eyes to get the hell out of there and stuffed him in a suffocating position in my bed. i told her about all of this a few years later. she laughed and called me a "little devil", because my mom is cool.

Mom, I have never told you this before;
One absurdly early morning, a secret was concealed,
One who was naked and afraid to be revealed,
One who found shelter in my shell upon the shore.

Asleep in warm blankets and arms, he began to snore.
The comfort of intertwined skin and thread
Melted away the troubles in his head.
Teenagers in love, spending hours, and wanting more.

We were so young, but aware of your concern
for the time of growing bodies and minds
and the first crack in my heart,

but this comes with the desire to learn,
it beats faster for the one it finds
capable of loving and tearing apart.

one summer afternoon

my dad asked me carry the beer while he pushed my grandma in her wheelchair

The sun that day came slapping at our backs,
And to blind us with metallic glare.
It came to dampen spirits and shirts
And scorch the handle's of grandma's wheelchair.
With such conditions anger flirts,
And in its lust strikes temper's match.

This searing reminder brought father's thirst
And required a case of tall necked aid
But wheels could not roll with this in tow.
Of this responsibility I was afraid,
Because strong grip in hands was yet to grow
And young imagination can fear the worst.

I accepted this load quite hesitantly,
Little bones could not take this task,
And cardboard began to feel like enslavement.
I shattered your hopes in green glass,
Steaming ale profanities poured on pavement.
"A lovely day!" grandma said pleasantly.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

eh?

i wanted to have this to post up the poems and other things ive written, but i just find myself rambling on here.
i feel like i should just delete this and forget about things.
things and their thingness.
id like to have all these beautiful and profound things to say
but
im all out of that right now.

Monday, October 6, 2008

thanks

i hadnt seen you for awhile. im sorry you had a bad day too. i felt mean and gross all day, and seeing you for just a moment cheered me up, so, thanks. i wish there were more people like you, that just tried to make the most of a bad situation.

waiting at my stop

i was sitting on a bench at the Fremont bart station today, arms full of laundry, and my purse full of diet soda that i smuggled from my parents house. while i was waiting to be picked up by my friend, this guy came and sat beside me. he asked if i had a boyfriend and i lied and gave him the response that would make him stop talking to me. but in my head i played out this whole other conversation with this completely random guy and he gave me his perspective on my life at the moment.


i didnt really want to come back to san jose today.

Monday, September 29, 2008

does anybody know where my brain is???!

i still receive emails from one of my old class groups on yahoo.
i dont know why i dont just take myself off the mailing list.
i guess its kind of funny to see all these random people freak out in my email.
subjects such as: "I lost my study guide!!! please help!" or "Did anybody do the reading for chapter 5???"
multiple punctuation always tells me that it is a rather pressing matter.
sometimes i think about replying with fake information.
but that would be mean.
maybe i could reply with a happy email, or a nice relaxing one. like "hey don't worry about that study guide, im sure somebody will help you out."
but then they'd probably think i was this crazy girl who hadn't taken herself off the mailing list yet.

horny tunes

i think its funny that i used to watch a cartoon about a skunk that was always trying to fuck a cat.

Photobucket

Sunday, September 28, 2008

some confessions

i have the fear of "fucking things up" sometimes, and im pretty sure having that feeling ups the chances of it happening

dont let me fuck it up.

im not one of those "i dont give a fuck and i dont care what people think" types. i do give a fuck, and if i care enough about you, then i do care what you think.

i swear too much.

i get hurt by things that i do to other people, so when it happens to me i think "well you do it too" so i dont feel that i have the right to be upset.

i take some things personally when i shouldnt

i dont know how to ride a bike very well. i need to get over that.

"i only make jokes to distract myself from the truth", yeah thats actually from a song but i feel the same way.

i am very messy and unorganized and i dont know if i see this changing for awhile. my mom claims to have been the same way, but when i see her filing cabinets, im not so sure.

i have a dorky interest in astrology.

i feel accomplished when i make someone laugh.

i dont want to get married for awhile. if/when i do i want everyone to be drunk and dancing at my wedding. i dont care about floral arrangements really, i care about everyone else having fun.

when we were breaking up and you said to me "you'll never find someone like me again!" i thought, well isnt that the point?

i am terrible about spending money.

id like to think that i give good advice.

i havent painted in a long time.

i put everything off until the last minute, i fear for my brain when midterms come.

i have a sweet tooth. i also wondered why it's only one tooth. "I have sweet teeth" i guess could be intepreted as "I have awesome teeth."

I have pretty nice teeth.

i feel bad that i cant really talk to my dad about school because im not really interested in the classes im taking now.

i tend to apologize, not necessarily when i have to, just to clear the air or make things more comfortable.

you intrigue me, and i like it. i hope its mutual

theres a guy who smokes crack in the underground parking lot at my apartment building.

this is getting too long, so i think i will stop.

Friday, September 26, 2008

"Thank you for releasing all those fuckers from my life"

i think this guy really has a way with words..i love all the imagery in this, its beautiful.

The Kurosawa Champagne- Derrick Brown

Tonight
your body shook,
hurling your nightmares
back to Cambodia.

Your nightgown wisped off
into Ursula Minor.

I was left here on earth feeling alone,
paranoid about the Rapture.

Tonight
I think it is safe to say we drank way too much.
Must I apologize for the volume in my slobber?
Must I apologize for the best dance moves ever?
No.

Booze is my tuition to clown college.


We swerved home on black laughter.
bleeding from forgettable boxing.

I asked you to sleep in the shape of a trench
so that I might know shelter.

I drew the word surrender in the mist of your breath,
waving a white sheet around your body.

I said,
"In the morning, dear, let me put on your make-up for you.
I’ll be loading your gems with mascara
then I’ll tell you the truth…"

I watched black ropes and tears ramble down your face.

Lady war paint.

A squad of tiny men rappels down those snaking lines
and you say;
“Thank you for releasing all those fuckers from my life.”

You have a daily pill case.
There are no pills inside.
It holds the ashes of people who died

…the moment they saw you.

The cinema we built was to play the greats
but we could never afford the power
so in the dark cinema
you painted pictures of Kurosawa.

I just stared at you like Orson Welles,
getting fat off your style.

You are a movie that keeps exploding.
You are Dante’s fireplace.

We were so broke,
I’d pour tap water into your mouth,
burp against your lips
so you could have champagne.

You love champagne.

Sparring in the candlelight, I said to you

"Listen—
the mathematical equivalent of a woman’s beauty
is directly relational
to the amount or degree
other women hate her."

You, dear, are hated. A lot.

Your boots are a soundtrack to adultery.
Thank God your feet fall in the rhythm of loyalty.

I said,
"If this thing kills me, this feeling,
why don't you slice me open julienne
uncurl my veins
and fashion yourself a noose
so I can hold you
once more."

so i think the end of the video is a bit creepy, but thats alright.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

cosmic jacuzzi

i've always liked this video

i suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

shoulding

i should:

be working on all the homework i have this week, especially since its shamrina's birthday soon and other special things.

assemble this computer chair that has remained in its box for awhile now.
i actually used it as a table, which i guess is kind of defeating the whole chair purpose.

be getting some sleep, because i can feel that oh shit im getting/going to be sick feeling.

clean my room, as it is a terrible mess and im kinda embarrassed when my room mate walks by.

talk to my room mate more. i talked to her and her friend for a long time today, and it was nice.

be more social like that. i have a tendency to just escape to my room sometimes.

figure out what to do about my laptop situation.

pick up that awesome poster i ordered.

buy some better food, or perhaps learn how to cook, but the first one is more likely.

be better about texting/ calling other people back.

sign up for better classes next year.

write more interesting things than what i should be doing.

go to sleep now.

Monday, September 22, 2008

so

i think its funny i wasnt sure id write in this that much, yet here i am again in the same day.

thank god my creative writing professor mailed me back all my old things from that class.
here's something i wrote last year and posted up on myspace a couple of times, only to delete it after feeling kinda embarrassed for posting it. but i think i will just keep it here..

Are You Okay?





   
   "Are you okay?" he asked, slightly touching my knee.
No, obviously not, I thought as tears formed mascara moats under my eyes. As his explanations became monotone, my eyes drifted out the window; trees serene & still, gutters filling with melancholy rain, falling & lingering like the lump in my throat, "You have to understand that I'm just not ready for..." dirt becoming mud, air becoming crisp & mossy, grays bleeding into the sky. How hideously romantic this is, I thought. Everything around me was dark, yet awake, calm, yet so alive, "We just weren't meant to be.." The window seemed to be protecting me from the rain & his eyes. If I stared harder through it, I could do the same to him; his speech rolling off me like so many droplets trying to seep in. "You're a great girl, but..." The rain fell more rigidly & his voice rose, as if he needed to speak any louder. I could hear everything before he even opened his mouth. His hand felt weak when I held it earlier, his eyes apologetic, his voice mechanical & uninviting. I felt  his love dying while the rest of the world kept breathing.
   I looked at him now, his eyes that I had been so afraid to look into before, mimicking the greens & grays of the storm outside of this truck, his truck. The one that I looked for on the road, even when he was clearly not going to be there, "Believe me, you can only rely on yourself..." I looked back down at my hands  resting & crumbling on my  jeans. I could not look back into his eyes; it was cruel how lovely they could be, cruel how every smile had been caught under those eyelashes. I felt myself becoming as stiff & icy as the glass around me. "You're just too sensitive..." His heart was rough & scabbed; I  had loved him dearly & at the same time never knew who he was at all. He would tell me the world is harsh, as if I were some child who had just touched a hot stove. I felt this suffocating & sinking view he presented to me creeping in & I became more aware of the truck encasing me, containing me, holding me in. How sad & sorry he must think I am, I thought. I began to roll down the window, rain still loyally pounding on the roof. It steadily spilled onto me, spearing through the leather seat & soaking my clothes. It slapped at my already running makeup & drowned out his horribly logical voice. It was him I felt sorry for though, sitting there untouched by the rain, dry & unimpressed.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

dinner and a movie

im trying this out, if i dont like it i guess it will show by the lack of posts. sort of like a first date with my blog or something. im trying to make it more comfortable and use humor to smooth out those awkward moments. i wonder if anybody will actually read this. i wonder about a lot of things.
this year i said i wanted to meet more people. i have, but the whole process can be so discouraging. its hard to put in the effort and put yourself out there when you dont know if youll get the same in return. its hard to make plans and keep them. its hard to make friends and keep them. its hard to keep in touch. its easy to keep out of touch. not like i want to be a hermit, but it appeals to me sometimes.
even if i dont write in this that much, im glad i started something. nice to meet you.