Wednesday, February 17, 2016

I had the thought 
that if you could see me in my private moments
that you may fall in love with my reactions;
how I feel 
when a smile cracks across the face of the squirmy boy
I'm helping read a book when I say
"I'm so impressed!"
If you could see
when I'm packed away in traffic
covering rap verses like I own the pain 
      or party they were inspired by, 
how my eyes stare off into a mental sea
     & come back to think of something funny, 
how I rest my head on top of a fat, familiar dog 
or even that long sigh before I step in the shower,
I had the thought that this could make you love me;
if you could see
how I want to share my love-
       but it's uncomfortable 
    for me too,
because I feel like it can't all fit,
     it's too much to carry,
it's too heavy for you;
     what was meant to hold you
chokes your definition of it.
But while it always felt like it was suffocating you,
I felt like I was speaking a different language, 
one you were never taught,
      one you avoided understanding,
& you don't want to read it,
       you don't want to see. 

Saturday, February 13, 2016

I feel his hand
         loosening from my thoughts. 
I say goodbye to a kind of love 
I can't wear everyday. 
I leave behind my wounded pride 
& dreams of a changing mind. 
Now I feel a goodness
         I haven't grasped,
but slowly
         I am understanding the touch.
You let me be tangled in you
         & you don't fear getting caught.
You want to see me 
         from all angles,
You want 
         to breathe me in. 

Thursday, February 4, 2016

I'm aware of my self destruction 
like Alice drowning in her tears,
    making everything bigger than it is. 

I'll wrestle a task,
               drink away the night,
scratch up my skin,
       call an ex.
I'll find a new problem
          to lose focus on my current one. 
I'll stir sleeping thoughts awake
          instead of waking my ambitions.
When there's no tv show muting my thoughts,
          no pair of eyes distracting me from my own,
I look anxiously for other noise
          instead of listening when it's quiet. 
I torment other scenarios 
that aren't this one.
My thoughts storm 
& everything I have left to sit outside 
          is soaked & heavy by my negligence.
Obstacles collect in the yard,
& I can only smile & trip over them for so long before
          everything is all at once, 
          & it all seems like a mess.
I could pretend it's fine & close the blinds,
but here they are 
haunting me 
with different faces in different ways.