I wanted to make this (poem?) something before it even was.
Sometimes I look for words that I want to be more beautiful than reality,
but you can't dress up a feeling.
You can't curl the truth around your tongue-
it should fall flat from your mouth
and though this may sound rude and abrupt,
it will direct your heart towards deeper possibilities.
You will find something you never thought to look for.
Looking for something while distracted doesn't help you find anything.
In fact you may even forget why you came,
but you do remember, eventually,
when you've forgotten all about it-
it comes to you without transition,
as abrupt as the truth.

So many changes all around me.

Today

Today I got hired for a second job. I feel successful. Yay for me!
Then I have this tendency to think about if I'll be good or not or be able to handle all of these duties in the future and I freak myself out. Shut up. Just try. No, just do. See what happens. Maybe you won't like it. Maybe it'll be awesome. Maybe you'll be able to work 2 jobs AND take that class. Stay on top of those bills. Buy those groceries. Clean and cook. Stepping it up. blah blah blah.
I can be so half assed about things or bend to what's expected of me but not feel it whole-heartedly. I thin I've just been wandering around for awhile pretending like I know where I'm going and smiling and waving along the way. Maybe that's what most people do when they're young. I don't want to be most people yet I can't deny that I constantly seek approval from most people. Am I doing all this for myself? Meh. I'll find out.

Today I can cross off the interview. Yes! (part of me is afraid to celebrate because I haven't actually been trained yet and I feel like I can't really say anything until I really know the swing of things..)

Now-studying for the cicerone exam...which I would like to pass before the end of this week...month...let's say week...or TODAY even ? maybe...maybe...I know myself so I try to postpone it but I should prove myself wrong more often and just fucking do it.

After this study session...depending on whether I will take the exam....work out...run at the marina...probably walk more because I pushed myself too hard the other day. I feel fatter or maybe I'm just a girl with the fat mindset.

THEN...
shower, drop off a videogame for Noelle if she's still at work. Head to Tali's. Come home, relax while I can.

I'm already kinda exhausted thinking about my new schedule but i will make it work. It will work. Work!

Curling corners of the lips,
A sign you're happy to see me,
but I will take this sign
& kick it off its hinges.
I will make it collapse,
disappointing, on its side.
I will slap its shape
detached, & making it hide,
& I'm sorry, I really am,
I've had that face before.