Monday, July 25, 2016


I hang so much on moments-
so when it hurts they're heavier. 
I remember cleaning cobwebs from the corners of the house,
standing up on a chair,
a new perspective there,
& you looking up at me,
smiling meaningfully,
at least to me,
& you said: "We're living together."
Your grin stretched deeper
& I could ride those seconds 
for a lifetime if you let me!
I played it cool 
even though
inside I was like a piƱata full of glitter
bursting with obnoxious love!
exploding into absurd metaphors!
I was yours.  
Now I'm arrested by the triggers of the past;
by a time taken off the shelf 
to hold & look at 
& then put back.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

I have a self destructive troll in my head
who smashes all the shit I'm supposed to do.
It says:
"Oh yeah go ahead, 
send that crazy message,
tell him how you really feel! 
Let your emails, real mails,
garbage, dishes, laundry
thoughts, wishes,
pile up.
Beat yourself up with your own attitude 
then let me pick my teeth 
with the sticks & stones I throw at you.
Keep imagining me as a beast
fighting your dreams 
rather than yourself."
Maybe you'll wonder about me;
     if my laughter sings the same way,
     if I can still pull you tight inside,
if I changed my style
    or who I sleep beside. 
Maybe I'm in a place 
     where you can't reach me
     physically or mentally.
I'm a dream from the past, 
feelings that ask to come back, 
     like the fire in our eyes 
that makes the cold easier to face. 
But it was always me holding you;
      your back to my embrace, 
always my ear to your chest 
      listening inside,
making sure you were alright,
fighting your anxiety instead of mine,
      so I had to leave 
& you have to wonder. 

I'm avoiding myself so much lately 
it's like I'm being my own ex boyfriend,
it's like I want all the benefits of sex
but with a disconnect.
I can pretend I'm there
but my mind slips into the cracks of the Internet.
My fingers swipe left & right faster than my legs.
My face but not my brain is illuminated.
I am lost in 
my own fantasies, 
my couch,
my doubt. 
I don't see what's in front of me;
another dimension of intentions
waiting for active players 
all abandoning their apps, games, & chat 
looking up & into the eyes of reality.