BASTILLE // THE DRAW ("All This Bad Blood" Edit)

sunday morning

I collect my thoughts
& spread them on my palms,
hoping you'll read them.
I collect them in my hands
& blow them in your face.
Read that.
When I'm frustrated
& don't understand
why you act the way you do 
only then do you speak
to tell me that it's all inside,
in a neat mess,
tied up & tangled by your silence.
I try to unravel it with my words
but you don't even want to begin.
I add to the knots,
the troubled thoughts,
& you want to leave
& no longer speak
& my love feels weak
for not finding the center of the maze 
built inside you.
It's already enough for you
when I start to ask deeper questions;
the sticks & stones in your tones
make me quiet 
& I have nothing left to say
except I'm sorry,
but you're gone already.

up randomly at 4:39 am so im embracing it. I haven't had a consistent night's sleep in awhile. There is a lot going on around me. I'm worrying about a lot of people. But there are happy things to come too. I feel disconnected from pens. Maybe because I use them when serving so much that the pen has become a tool for work and not for play or therapy. So I will type. I feel changes occurring in my surroundings and its natural to sort of tense up to this but I think that instead I will release my shifting shoulder blades and just open my arms, mind, and heart to possibility. Today was good; I ended up making a good amount of money and June and Kate were working with me so we all decided to hang out after work. Kate snuck me into her gym (when we were leaving the guy at the front pointed this out but just smiled about it and checked us out) and I sweat out some frustrations. After pushing myself enough, I met up with Kate at the pool. She waved at me all swim capped and goggled and with fuckin cool underwater headphones. We sat in the steam room and then sat in the hot tub and I felt content with how I was spending my time. It felt good that I worked and worked out. I want to be better at this. I think I can be. I want to be more motivated and ambitious. I have such romantic notions of everything falling into place...and while sometimes this is true and does happen, sometimes you have to make it happen. I want to have something published, I want get my real deal teaching license, I want to learn more things, I want to be a better friend and communicator, I want to be better all around. I feel this world is ending more rapidly than many of us would like to admit so I think it's important to have a good energy to oneself. Be someone other people want to be around.


...now juxtapose this to my current morning. I woke up to June making noise getting ready. Everything seems to have settled since then...I felt sleepy& sore yet satisfied. I've been taking a lot better care of myself....food, water, exercise, reminding myself to relax. I feel good but I'm not without concerns. A special someone I'm feeling the distance from. After I woke up I went to the Martinez Starbucks because the Walnut Creek one seemed too pretentious because my hair was all fucked up. As I waited for my drink the young guy barista kept fucking up this one machine (coffee thingy?) and then he just made this funny sound: Uffffrrrrmmmmmm and I started to laugh. No one else did and he just looked up at me and smiled. Then I had the thought : because what do I have to worry about? Lucky that I have such wonderful people I care about to worry about. Lucky I have no pressing responsibilities and a schedule that lets me be free. I am a giant child. I can handle my bills. I have a family that hugs me openly and makes me feel so loved I don't even quite understand it. I have great luck. I have a house I love and fresh air and music and love, endless love inside me. I have so much to be thankful for. Appreciationnnnnnnnnn. Good morning.

For a new baby Curren (not mine!)

Welcome to our love and special take,

Here you are already in open arms.

I wonder if you'll have me and my brother's nose

Or maybe your mom's cute little one.

I bet you'll be smart,

Maybe shy and sweet,

Perhaps a little devil as my brother seemed to be.

But every day that your heart grows,

I bet it's growing bigger than most

Because where you come from

Will love you

Before you know what that is.

They will show you how to be kind

& build your self esteem,

Paint nails and rep your favorite teams,

& meet a furry pillow named Jake.

(He might be a little jealous of you for awhile but will love you too)

They'll help you build your dreams

As you came to them as one;

Unexpected yet welcomed,

Like discovering that you love someone.

opening up like a sexual little flower
creating my own visions
forming an idea of life
trying to live my ideals
testing my patience
luck,
joints,
& heart
finding more questions than answers
finding answers I wasn't questioning
Love finding me
in various states;
being at peace
ironically produced the most fire,
a consuming desire
to know me.
searching for passions.
looking for a frame
of a future picture.
looking, looking.
losing
and finding the light in your eyes.
im only 26
but someones only younger than that
my life is not settled
its very childish
i still get wild
make people talk shit
still cause eyes to roll
and have no real plans.
in the moment
& as silly as I sound.
I don't mind what you do
as long as you do it with love
I wish for more of that in everyones life
I wish for sighs of relief
found wallets and keys
I wish for looks only the two of us can know
for just being happy to see you
before dialogue or sunlight
when youre the first thing i touch
when you and sleep are within reach
hearing you laugh in the morning
im getting distracted
again
by your look in my mind
& always by
the love i find
though it was always there

My insecure fears
growing over the years
tell me that
the more you know me
the more youll go away
but I at least say
let me have today

to someone special

I may do stupid shit.
I might get sensitive. (sometimes, maybe)
I might put words in your mouth
until I figure it out.
I might lose the sparkle in my eye,
but it'll come back when I laugh.
I won't always say the right things,
I might get mean
& make you walk home in the cold.
But I would very much like to:
Conquer couches & different cities.
Burn you so many mixes
that your music library is in flames. (on fiyahhhh)
Show you what I like-
those thrones with games.
& just like you described;
I am a wave,
full of exhausting passion,
but a fun ride nonetheless.
I can be exciting
like thunder & lightning
& I can be myself & no one else,
& if you let me,
I would very much like to
learn about, from, & with you.