Friday, December 23, 2011

i waited. for you. and i know, youve got things to do. responsibilities. so when those guys at that table next to me bought me a drink, i said hold on, wait a second, im waiting for somebody who might be waiting for me. but. you had to go. so i had to go. 'cause im not very patient. especially in matters of the heart. especially in matters of my heart. and no, i didnt finish the beer that they bought me. i pretended to save it and "go to the bathroom" so i could slink away, like you did. responsible ninja that you are. focused escape artist. and thats admirable, thats influential, something to look up to.....but....i just cant hold back in that way. I just cant say I want to do this but I should do this so Im doing this. and maybe thats the difference between you and I or the difference of age or responsibility, maturity, whatever you wanna call it...but....i just know is short as I told the drunk girl in the bathroom who was doubting is amazing and miraculous and beautiful......and worthy of writing about even if youre kind of drunk and fear sounding like an idiot.....

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Inside I feel tangled. I never would have thought it would be like this.
but nevers are severe and I dont know if I believe in them.
Nevers can change and then they lose meaning. Love doesnt lose meaning though, and I believe that with my full heart. However long or short your time together, it meant something and is carried with you for your whole life. If the love was there it isnt just eradicated- it existed, it rested in your chest, it spread through your skin and you shared that feeling with someone. you gave them your love. its not as though it meant nothing, that it never affected you at one time. Love overwhelms me and I would say that I am in love with it.
my heart is breaking too if you can believe that. If you can read this. I cant apologize enough, or maybe I can...because there's only so many sorrys you can hear. I tell you I love you because I do. I dont say that without meaning, without feeling. I live for love. I have been living for love. I just want to make sure its right. what im doing is right. not that everything has to be right...just...want to make sure my head is in the right place. I need to step back...I need to see what I want to do. not based on anyone else. What do I really want? what the fuck do I want

Monday, December 5, 2011

Holy shit the world is fascinating

A distressed bride attempts suicide in China after her fiance abruptly called off their marriage. Still in her wedding gown, she tried to kill herself by jumping out of a window of a seventh floor building. Right as she jumped, a man managed to catch and save her.
god damn i am so OCD sometimes its annoying. check check check
click click click
yeah the internet makes it worse

Sunday, December 4, 2011

cant sleep

my heart is a complicated creature to say the very least
i feel as though it has a life of its own sometimes
and it doesnt tell me about it until im dumbstruck.
it has soft spots,
which makes it quiet and reflective,
a moody teenager that might snap at you,
tender to the core, searching for understanding
dramatic & maybe even a little violent at times
but ultimately, strong & sincere
& meaning well, i think
it is slowly discovering itself
unraveling only for those who pull at the right strings
because I know my heart can be startling & abrasive
it can be reckless & deserves a speeding ticket sometimes
but I promise it is full & shines in my eyes
it can fill my whole body in fact,
so much so that I cant always speak
& that doesnt mean i dont have the words...
im just so overwhelmed that ill let it take over for a moment
i will embrace the twists of pain in its path
i will welcome those questionable clouds
because i know that when i feel myself getting cold,
i am still capable of producing fire
i can feel flames in my veins, if i let it happen
& that all depends on me, on my own blame
how i choose to decorate my wounds is my choice alone
and i know, when i meet somebody
my heart travels past the safety of logic
it takes a trip with guarded excitement
it slowly unpacks, unlocks & opens to show
this is what im bringing, this is what i have
this is where ive been, this is where id like to go

Friday, December 2, 2011

I haveta simmer down. this is ridiculous. but a part of me says if I have to tell myself that, then it must be good.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

not sure how old this one is....found it in my drafts. thats a horrible title for it.

i place my hand on your arm
and i worry you might flinch
that you might press deeper into the corner of the couch
that you may think this drink is too strong
but you stay right where you are
you press my prints to yours
you let me so i let you
were holding hands and the music takes note of this
and i hear it but your hands are louder
i swear they would light up if they could
and im going to kiss you
i hope you know that

a weird situation

Amy, Stacy, and I decided to have an extremely girly day. We looked at wedding dresses for Amy because she's going to marry my brother in a year. We talked about all the things people would not assume lovely ladies talk about & we smoked a lot of pot. We had to "prepare" ourselves for the entertainingly awful newest Twilight movie. In other words, we got really silly to see something really silly.

this requires, of course, vast amounts of candy to smuggle in and loudly attack later while previews play. so we go to a cvs and stand giggling and overwhelmed by the selection in the aisle. after careful consideration amidst bursts of laughing at im not sure what, we get in line with other people who we kinda feel sorry for because were laughing so much. yes we are having obnoxious amounts of fun on a monday and there's nothing you can do about it. were laughing about nothing, yet everything around us. were enjoying the moment of the 3 of us here spending our otherwise dull monday elsewhere.

i see generic peanut butter cups as we approach the cashier. apparently this sends my laughter into full barrel heaves from the gut because im so damn amused by how the generic candy is packaged. it makes no effort to pose as anything else or come up with a creative alter ego name (you know how Dr. Pepper has its wannabe imitators such as Dr. Skipper or Dr. A+...somethin like that) just says "Peanut Butter Cups" and then my eyes travel down to this awkward cousin of Reese's description on the front and the first thing I read is "creamy peanut." and in my high little mind I think, how funny! just creamy peanut. not creamy peanut butter. creamy peanuts. just one creamy peanut. as if it came that way, pre-creamed. and i dont know why i find it so funny, but i do. and my commotion causes stacys commotion and she looks like shes about to burst in every sense of the word cuz shes laughing and says, "Im gonna pee my pants!" and were still laughing, laughing, laughing, so much laughing. im trying to choke out a sentence to the cashier...but I dont see him. my eyes are watering so wonderfully, but I hand the cashier the cash.

but then. I hear him say, and suddenly the cashier has become a he because I am just now recognizing him and seeing him, I hear him say, "It's just like high school all over again, all the girls laughing at me..." and he says it so quietly and painfully that I know its not in good humor.

im so taken aback in that instant and all of my laughter is diffused. and I look at him and see how small he is, and yes he has terrible acne stretched across his face and some of his neck. he has a mohawk that I dont quite understand because he seems so badly to not want to be regarded. to be looked over in shock as I am looking at him now. he doesnt look at me or my friends. he doesnt look up. he doesnt speak up. and he clearly doesnt understand me either, I think. I wish my mind came up with some brilliant thing to say but my bluntness and abruptness prevents me from being poetic in this moment and I blurt out "Holy shit, I'm not that mean! We weren't laughing at you. We were laughing at...." but as Im explaining this pretty absurd story of generic peanut butter cups and how funny they are, I realize he's not believing me. he stopped listening. he gives me my change and I say, "Well now I feel like a piece of shit." Amy thanks him multiple times. and while this has killed the silliness, the laughter, it ultimately angers me.
He assumed that I would just start laughing at him. that I was that kind of person. He projected his insecurities onto me. I have enough of my own, thank you. and what a sad little man to judge me because he is so used to being judged himself. assuming the worst of everybody. he took the bounce out of our steps because hes so used to being knocked down himself. he directed our laughter into a cruel way, a way that could only be laughing at him and his unfortunate appearance. if there ever was a good example of how hurt feelings, harsh words, travel in circles this would be one of them. All I have to say is, fuck your high school.
goodness me, life is interesting. and heart breaking. and beautiful. and surprising. and complicated. challenging. stressful. blissful. passionate. overwhelming. intense. fun. confusing. sigh-inducing. musical. comical.

well at least to me, anyway.