Monday, December 30, 2013

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Maybe it's the ultimate excuse
And I'm making lazy seem poetic.
Apathy is sitting on my ambition
Until or if it moves again.
I do care though,
Passive aggressively.
I don't want it to end.
A pressed flower in a book.
I never finish things
And maybe that's why.
School, thoughts, books, 
tasks, work outs, 

Monday, December 9, 2013

I think it's fitting that I was born in December. A fire sign born in the rain. Conflicted. Warm. Cold. Dramatic.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

          Out of nowhere I feel my heart drop to the floor.
          You really hurt me sometimes & hurt 
          is the simplest word for that.
          A picture frame of what I thought            
          falls & breaks
          & I can replace what was there
          but there's always a mess to clean up
          & some messes take longer than others
          & sometimes I want to hide & forget.
          I could probably get drunk,
          which is likely at some point;
          I'll send my poisonous friend
          down the maze to my stomach
          to escape the one in my head.
          I could just sip & forget
          then come home & remember
          & maybe drink some more
          but that doesn't sweep it off the floor.
          Ever since I was a little girl 
          with thoughts to be thought,
          I've dreamed of loving you,
          but I know that means 
          loving your messes too.
          Even in those moments riddled with uncertainty,
          those moods that scrape at my patience
          & tell me I just can't deal with you today,
          I just can't.
          Days when the fire inside me 
          is catching on other people's curtains
          & I'm blaming them for how it started
          or when it feels like there's no fire at all,
          & I'm looking,looking for something
          that I'm not even sure is lost.
          Some days it feels like we're all wrong-
          but I will always be in love with you,life,
          because we belong 

Friday, December 6, 2013

I want to stay sharp and fit.
To read books and run miles,
To create new colors and titles.
I want to have more than want-
I think that's called ambition.
What excuses are stopping me-
That I'll bite off more than I can chew?
But better that than starving for a taste.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

this goes with the last post duh

I don't care if it makes me seem crazy. Sometimes in the most stressful times I would just scream in my car. I would scream as loud as I could, driving on the freeway. I wonder if anyone heard me. I have a mean scream. I'm considering sending it to horror movies. It's piercing and high with pain. It's jagged and awful. It scrapes every last bit of tar off of my ribs and vibrates out of my throat like some cactus-y jerk. Imagine it. Imagine doing that. Don't you feel better?
That sounds nice.
That doesn't "sound" like anything actually.
Deep in breath,
in feeling,
in that particular second.
Free from the commercials of thoughts.
Free from interpretation
Free from whatever is holding you.
That seems like the clearer path
it sounds like who I could be-
but I prefer to scream.

Monday, December 2, 2013

If you don't know how to be alone then I feel sorry for you. If you don't know how to be with someone else then I feel sorry for you. If you don't know how to feel sorry then that's just sorry in itself. It's not weak to feel defeat. It's weak to think you never have...

Friday, November 29, 2013

Feeling deep

I feel deeply
And that's great when it's great
But when it's not so
I don't wanna feel at all
The feelings become worse 
When I don't remember them
How or who I felt
it's not healthy
To spit them back up the next morning
And I'll sigh and shake my head 
For myself so others don't have to
Even though they do
 But then there's a moment that strikes me
Pulls at the strings of my feelings that are breathing something beautiful
And I remember those feelings
How could I forget them?
How could I forget
Those feelings  that light a fire in the dark

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

I'm thankful for

Above all and always love. Love!
and from love you can make a tree of: family, friends, lovers, significant others, coworkers, mentors, teachers.
Shelter. Childhood homes and the one I have now.
Luck. I feel lucky. Thanks.
Food. Having enough. Having it available. Having an absurd selection.
Animals. Loving their presence. The tail wiggles of joy.
Hot showers and hot sex
Words and wishes
Trees and secret spots
Comfortable silences
When I am completely myself
and crying too
A forever healing heart
An optimistic outlook
time to myself
stories and inspiration
creativity and imagination
skills waiting to be used
missing someone and being missed
moments of realization
thoughtful gifts
all forms of art
a life thats never boring

Sunday, November 24, 2013


Oh the timing of things.
It feels so unfortunate
when I thought it could be
something that affects me
Maybe I was too:
selfish, impatient, childish,
alcoholic, confused, dependent,
independent, inconsiderate,
inexperienced, unexposed,
passive aggressive,
or all of the above.
Maybe I just met you
and you seem really fun and sexy
& our conversation flows as well as our kiss.
It seems like what I was looking for was this,
but something happens,
something is amiss,
and when I peel back the rosy glass
it suddenly seems more stark
and not what I thought.
Oh you're too busy for this?
Well shit.
Maybe we know each other
and your personality colors
my thoughts with possibilities.
My attraction grows.
We hug and I feel more than skin.
We laugh and it feels natural,
Oh, you have a girlfriend?
Of course you do.
Oh, it's complicated?
Of course it is.
All this timing makes me not
want to know the time at all.
Current circumstances
fucking with my chances.
But I have this feeling
that all this timing
won't matter
when that moment comes along,
and all the timing that was wrong
suddenly will seem to have been in its place
when I place a deeper love to a future face.

Friday, November 22, 2013

I could fall in love with you like I do a song.
Without meaning to I can sing along.
I can pretend I know what's going on.
(Oh that's what it's about?)
I could make up my own words.
Oh this whole time I've been singing it wrong?
Explicit content in a subtle manner,
that's what I like.
Not sure I like this when we meet
but the initial intrigue is there.
Somehow your sound 
keeps coming back to my mind.
I'm thinking maybe I'll listen to you more.
I could surround myself in you.
It could be awhile for us, but I might come back.
I could discover lyrics later,
I could hear something different in a year.
I could burn you out through my speakers,
scream your words out of my windows,
let the night drive take you away.
That's it.
You're gone in the mist.
I forgot your number.
Wait, what did you say?
I didn't know this was sad.
I can't get enough,
until that's it,
set fire to it,
No thanks.
I forget about you.
Who's that by again?
but I could hear you
somewhere else later.
Oh I remember that,
when I let you be my soundtrack.

Monday, October 28, 2013

monday night thoughts

Sometimes I'm a binge eater, drinker, lover.
Sometimes my hopes need to be taken from the clearance rack
and placed on higher shelves.
Aim high,
that's what the tattoo on my wrist tells me.
And sometimes I need to relax,
But I don't necessarily want to.
When I relax I forget my thoughts sometimes,
and that's okay every now and then,
and sex and drugs and alcohol all release the hold
of responsibilities grip.
I like to escape in people, its true,
and then I start to get weird and restless.
Sometimes I'm a social butterfly
who flies back to the cocoon every now and then.
Yeah, but you can't stay there.
I hibernate
my apologies
until I'm starved of all my ates
only to again fill my plate.
I'm sorry
for being gone so long,
and I'm sorry I'm a lot.
I don't make it that simple.
My parents laugh and shake their heads
and give me hugs
because that's how its always been.
I love the love they gave me
but I'm confused what to do with it sometimes.
I'd like to put it out there,
paint it in front of me,
and then breathe it back in,
sounds like I'm getting high off of love,
sounds like I haven't run out silly things to say,
but it's my own mess and I like it that way.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

sunday night thoughts

I like songs & eyes that tell a story,
late night thoughts that creep into your consciousness,
touching with feeling, feeling with passion,
letting those eyes leak every once in awhile.
raising my voice, testing my confidence,
every once in awhile.
I like a real laugh,
a real hug,
a real moment.
I like staying up late for no real
I get lost in music,
in my mind,
& I get tired of time.
I guess those are reasons.
I want to live in the presence of love.
I want to be harbor to another's heart.
I want a touch to crave & call home.
I want a kiss that makes me forget my surroundings.
I want to bring something to your life
you didn't know was missing.
I want to brighten your vision,
your morning,
whatever, just as long as its yours.
But I must turn this attention towards myself
because that will always be my best love affair
& someone will discover me for who I am
when I'm not looking for a moment,
but enjoying one of my own
I get so distracted by love,
& it will see me when it wants,
but come on, don't you look
when something beautiful walks by?

What do I believe?

I don't think God created people in his image. I don't think it's His or Hers for that matter. I don't think God would be called God. Why is it called God? Allah...Zeus and friends..I don't know where the word came from but I've also never studied the Bible or the Koran or any dense religious reading material. I am ignorant in that sense. I am not an atheist. I am not Christian, Protestant, Jewish, Catholic, Muslim. I am not religious.

I am a thinker and a believer. I am spiritual. I am aware of things not everyone is. I feel deeply. I empathize. I know there are two sides to every story. I have caused pain and I have been hurt. I know through pain you may find understanding or appreciation. To me, God is Love and the Devil is Hate.

Love is a universal force that we don't completely understand. We have ideas about it, we've experienced it in different ways, but you can't see it the way someone else does and you never will. It can make you feel like there's nothing else in this world, sometimes too much so. In those cases people who are burned by it may reject it, though they need it in some form or another. A mother's love can lift a 2,000 lb car off her son, just like my mom's friend did. No need to explain super human strength when the rush of adrenaline and fierce loyalty of love prevents broken ribs. Love has the power to give more meaning to your life. I don't believe God punishes anyone directly. Or who knows, sometimes I think about reincarnation and people coming back in order to prove they can be even better than the last life they led. I talked to a friend of mine about that for awhile. I told him I think maybe we just keep coming back until we get it right. Over and over. He smiled and looked at me and said "I don't think I got it right this time." Yeah, me neither, but I would still love to see what's ahead.

what's your #

It was nice to see your sleepy eyed smile
for a little while.
Nice to taste your tongue and thoughts,
to feel your heart and heat,
and it'd be nice to know it some more,
but you tell me it can't be.
Our focus isn't the same vision you say.
You don't have the time or energy
for the kind of love I want,
and you don't know when you ever will.
That sounds like a practical equation
for my impractical ideas of love.
I know you're right,
but I wish you were wrong
and I wish that wasn't a wish.
The business you planted the seeds to
is wrapped around you
and I can see the discomfort of that,
but the growth too.
I feel your longing there,
but you can't let it happen further than that.
You must stay dedicated to your cause,
free of complications or other pressures in your life.
You must not bother yourself with emotional dust.
I see a heavy look framed by furrowing lines,
I see the hours of the day deepening them.
I feel the reach for romance and then a turned back.
I tell you before I walk out of your house
that when you're ready to love, I'm sure it's going to be beautiful.
Your smile is loosely held together
but I kiss that away and forget this conversation
just for a moment.
You say there's a reason why we met,
and I say goodbye.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Okay universe here's what I want, if delivered I will try to be the best me I can be...

A deep and profound love....
I want someone who is:

deep. thoughtful. loyal. funny. fun-loving. generous. kind-hearted. spirited. ambitious. independent. honest. expressive. passionate. intelligent. curious. considerate. empathetic. reflective. quick-witted. romantic. calming. charming. attractive. spiritual. soulful. articulate. sweet.

who makes me feel:

safe. secure. wanted. special. loved. appreciated. important. happy. fun. sexy. stimulated. sexual. profound. challenged. accepted. interesting. comfortable. naturally at ease. a natural connection. capable of almost anything. worth fighting for.

who makes me:

laugh. think. cum. love deeply. sweat. vulnerable. strong.

between us there is:

peace. affection. harmony. chemistry. laughter. understanding. intensity. lots of good sex.

If it sounds like I'm asking for a lot, its because I am.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

He doesn't like scary movies or meat,
He likes to stay at home,
He likes to leave his phone behind.
He's sweet and charming,
and then disappears
physically and mentally,
days at a time,
but out of sight out of mind never really worked for me
when my feelings are strong
and I don't know what he feels because he seems careful,
methodical and practical just as in business,
his business, always his business
and how busy this business makes him.
He needs his time to relax,
He needs to decompress after work,
because his mind is still working,
still filing folders,
still making deals,
and I see all that in his eyes.
I see an ambition I don't understand
and I'm not sure I ever will.
I see a logic that has always left me
and sometimes I try to quiet his mind
with a back massage,
calming words,
some weed,
and of course just me entirely,
naked and waiting,
waiting to be pushed into,
but sometimes even that wont do
and I wonder what it is I do this for.
I only remember when there is that
shade of romance in his eyes,
when he seems to be looking deeper than I think,
and I'll be damned if I dont feel a fire in my heart when he kisses me
but fires need to be tended, fires need to grow
they need to consume yet be contained all the same
and I will burn elsewhere if you don't have the strength.
I will catch in someone else's eyes,
but if I don't have to I really don't want to

Sunday, September 15, 2013

A couple days before this I told an ex I wasn't looking for anything or anybody

Something about you in my mind said
there's something about this,
about you.
& I could feel it in the pull of conversation,
I could feel a magnetism only felt by something inside,
something inside that says there's something,
that surely nothing is no longer a resident,
nothing left and something came,
& I can feel it
there and here and now.
& when I feel it like this,
I remember why there are so many feelings,
so many wonderful, confusing
fucking terrifying
but beautiful
such beautiful
feelings to be felt,
and that's something.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

If you think it'd be nice to know who I am,
to see my beginnings and my present,
to be in my presence,
then please,
show me how you do it,
show me how you love.
I know you wanna show off
tell me about your good luck
your travels,
& who you fuck.
I know you wanna make me
apart of that still,
but you never did
& you never will.

Friday, August 16, 2013


The people I am always the most interested in don't seem to fully give themselves to me. Maybe that's because there are pieces of myself that I never really, fully give.
Today I had one of those moments that stretches into a sad train of thought. That can be visualized by the crunchy and forgotten leaves being rustled and stirred into a web in the wind, carried off and away into a somehow peaceful chaos. Things change. Things are changing. I feel so in love with people. I get saturated in someone and then it's squeezed out of me. I get dry. Really though who doesn't get wrung out once in awhile. I feel like I get too invested in one person and it feels like a distraction from myself. I have almost an over abundance of love in my life yet I don't know what to do with it. There is a part of me that I am keeping dull. There is something inside that is too scared to grab the microphone. And I know it's okay to be shy but I can't help but feel I am smothering myself. You are doing this on purpose somehow aren't you? And then I sigh because I may know how and what but not why. Life is just a giant why but the how and the what are what make your answers to that question significant. All I can really think of is love.

January 11, 2013

tonight I ripped off my fake nails
yes it felt exactly as that sounds

Music all day. Fuck sometimes I forget how much I appreciate it. How a new song can fill my heart and just take over for the next few days. It's kind of a love hate relationship sometimes. I can get so burnt out by my music and bored with it. Then I go on this musical rampage and find all these songs to be excited about. I need it in the car. I need it for my soul.
I sat up on your lap,
you laid flat on your back,
you held onto my hips,
I rocked a little bit.
You said,
tilting your head,
"Sing for me."
I shut
my timid eyes,
& stifled a sigh,
I threw my head back,
hoping my words wouldn't crack.
I let it out,
you let it in,
a piece for you to hear,
to rest in your ears,
a moment I won't give to anyone else.
I open my eyes,
your smile is wide,
my heart is too,
it opened more
because of you.

you are what you write.
am i a mess of metaphors
a message with no particular order
feelings tangled up in word choice
a trail of thoughts...
running off poorly punctuated cliffs
do i capitalize what is not priority
do i think in the wrong tenses
do i not use all five of my senses
should i pause more
semi separate my thoughts
own up to my apostrophes
demand more in exclamation
stop dashing in hesitation

to all the girls starving inside & out
and the fat girls full of feelings
I'm somewhere in between,
but I know what you mean.
At the heart of all things I'm really insecure.

Monday, August 5, 2013

unedited poem about unedited love

A hand holding motivation
"I know you can do better than this
but, you're still doing well,
and you look really pretty today."
Let me be who I am
but don't let me be that
if I'm being a bitch,
or lazy,
or a lazy bitch.
Remind me of kindness,
remind me of gentler words
when my head hurts and I need to eat,
when my tongue needs to be wrestled,
metaphorically or physically,
so I shut up and my nerves are happy.
remind me that there is still beauty
that needs to be appreciated.
Don't talk to me like I'm less than you,
Don't have a tone that makes me not want to listen.
Be loyal to me and I will to you.
Share excitement for life,
the art found in the ordinary.
Let me fall asleep in your arms
even if I drool,
you can laugh at me about it later.
But don't just laugh at me,
Laugh with me, oh my god laugh with me.
If you don't have a sense of humor
this will never work,
your life won't work in fact,
it will go on strike
if you can't laugh your way
out of the depths of a bad day.
Open my mind to ideas I may have not met
Open my ambition that can be stubbornly stuck.
Open me up when I stitch my words up.
Give me a shake when I won't move.
Help me without pointing it out all the time.
Don't scold me when I don't act like a lady,
it will happen.
I know you won't always be a gentleman,
but oh yes, you are going to open that door for me.
Let me be secretive but don't let me have secrets.
Keep kissing me.
Have sex with me,
have feelings with me.
Love me for what I have in me
and what I don't have in me.
Don't be afraid of my tears.
Keep them quiet by understanding,
by wrapping me in your arms.
Tell me stupid stories,
tell me the chronicles of your life.
Ask about mine.
Don't let me slump into a routine,
Unless we go out for take out every week,
that's perfectly fine.
Be responsible, but have a drink.
Have a couple, and then have me.
Look at the world with wonder,
and share this curiosity with me.
Tell me romantic words,
and write them down
so I can save them
and then show you this
and tell you this is about you.

Sunday, August 4, 2013


Guy at the bar last night: Are you Irish? Cuz everytime I see you my dick starts Dublin!

Me: That is awful! Awwwwfullllll.

Guy: What, I mean I just thought of it.

Me: What does that even mean? Like you have two dicks, I give you a boner?

Guy: No I mean, like you know Dublin, Ireland.

Me: Yeah I get that...that's just a terrible pickup line.

Guy: Well I dunno what was I supposed to say?

Me: UmmmM I dunno how about hi?

Guy: My bad. 

Friday, August 2, 2013

I said something funny
at least you thought so,
and I heard you laugh behind me,
behind my head a smile,
and I knew we'd be friends.
When I saw that you were seeing
the world as I do
but from a different view
that's when I knew
it was more than that,
more than a label can encapsulate,
more than a title,
but an introduction to a part of my life,
the opening of pages,
the spreading of my spine.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

feelin snarky

I remember when my views
were solid and ideal
and they became
crumbly and realistic
oh sweetheart
it's nice that you see like that
that you believe
he's never done the things
you list as so selfish
so completely
out of line
out of hand
but you don't know
and you won't
and that's good
and thats nice
and maybe I was the mistake
that made him think twice
maybe im the example
to thrive from
but don't think it's because youre bettter

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Happy birthday mom!

Happy birthday mom!
You tried to show me a world
beyond your pant legs when I was small.
You were so patient with me
when I slammed my door,
when I taped up signs written in scented markers
that said "go away!"
So understanding
when my feelings grew more complex
as they are prone to do, the longer there is of you.
You wished you could take away my pain
but reminded me not to shove it away
like the wondrous mess under my bed.
When my tears became more defined by the thoughts behind them,
you explained that being judgmental isn't good for you,
that a negative mind produces a negative life,
& to have an open heart and an open mind.
You were so comforting
when there were days it hurt to keep my eyes open,
always keep them open you remind me.
Days when I couldn't handle becoming an adult
and crawled up on your bed like a little girl again.
You taught me to have a silliness that swirls in my eyes,
to have curiosity and create my own interests,
to keep the fires in my heart aflame.
You gave me life
& showed me how to make it mine.
It started with your abundant love
that spilled into my own kind of love.
You taught me how to use it
& you showed me why.
Thank you for a
a life to love and a love to live

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Come on unrefined talent, make me famous! Have my passive efforts aggressively pursued by someone else.
I saw your note,
it was tucked away for me to read,
folded in my thoughts.
You didn't say much,
but you didn't need to.
I felt our story in your short words.
I felt a love only you and I know.
I felt a smile,
and I felt a familiar but different
definitely different,
I felt for your own feelings,
how you ask not much of me,
how you see me and can't,
though you try, to stay mad,
and I ask why I make it so hard to be had.

Gardening is deep

       "Now pull it out of the pot and grab those shears and cut along the bottom. Then pull at the roots and sort of uncurl them."

"I feel like I'm ruining it. Am I ruining it?"

     "No. You're supposed to do that. Marybeth worked in a nursery and they all used to cut about a quarter of the bottom of the plants off. It helps the roots expand. They're all constricted in there and this helps loosen them up, it helps them-"

"Branch out?"

         "Yeah. They grow much better that way."

Sunday, June 23, 2013

The internet makes love a little more psychotic,
not that it needs much help with that,
you can become click crazed,
a private public investigator;
you find yourself knowing things
you're not sure you should know
& maybe you pretend that you dont,
but you do.
Maybe you've seen all the way down their Instagram well
but still wait for them to tell you about that picture you mentally liked
which is still special, but,
you already heard it in your own words,
you already digested the cliffnotes of their personality.
Anxiety can hang in the meaning of a comment
or uncertainty in the relationship of one of your 534 "friends,"
white lies are painted with starker colors 
when there's proof you aren't where you say you are-
Ms.-uploading-a-picture-when-I sent-you-a-text-hours ago.
I sound like a hopeless romantic
lost in the quicksand of forum threads,
but I know there's a bright filter for every dark one,
that love can be connected more than ever before.
It can be carried by satellites to different lands & times.
It's as electric as your eyes lit up
with words meant just for you.
& even though you can search & search,
there are still things you'll never find,
you'll never know,
& I'm not entirely sure how it all works,
but I believe in it.

A great man

Even though I don't really remember watching Mr. Rogers, I'm glad I did. What wonderful messages he had for the children of the world.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

I've had so many tears that I feel feel-ed out
I'm spent
I've spent too much time,
too many tears.
I'm dried up.
Dried up and then flooded with
But every now and then
I feel the wrenching of my heart,
Almost like it's saying,
"Oh, I'm still here,
You feel that?
Good, because you should.
You should feel some more,
Even if I have to heart-beat the apathy out of you.
It's time to open those wounds,
Let them heal naturally,
Not with the synthetic stitches
of others' approval.
Let yourself heal.
I promise you'll feel more like you
if you do.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


Sunday, May 19, 2013

I remember (of all the weird things my memory holds on to) an episode of American Idol where Simon Cowell asked interviewing questions to contestants before they auditioned and one of them was "If you just won $100,000 what would you spend it on?"

This one girl said "I would give it allll to charity."

Simon scowled at her and didn't even give her a chance to audition. "Oh come on! All of it? No. I'm looking for a real answer here."

I laughed because in my head I instantly thought, "Yeah right bitch!" Okay maybe some small percentage of people would-some of it or most it, hardly all of it.

Simon asked the same question to the next contestant and she instantly replied "A hot pink cadillac!" and he smiled and let her sing, and then smiled some more after she let out the honest song in her heart.

I also watched a program about people who have won the lottery. One was a humble man in his forties. Brown-bearded, beer bellied, and honest faced. As grammatically incorrect as this sentence, but full of good intentions and insight. This man had a passion for fishing so he opened up his own bait and tackle place and hired himself as his only employee where he continues to work because he gave the rest of his money away. He helped a few friends with their bills and bought them trucks to get around town. He paid off the mortage for a woman who cared for him as if she were his own mother. He teared up just talking about paying off that mortgage for her because he cared about her so much. He was so happy to help someone he loved and it made me cry. There I am crying on my bed watching my recorded DVR shows in my own little place.

One day I hope I can make someone that happy, to be that happy for helping someone else. I started talking about money and then ended with talking about love and happiness. I guess that's all I really want. Then I think, well isn't that all that anyone really wants? No, actually. But I love the people who do. and yeah, I know I say money isn't that important to me but um yes I need it and want to make it and have more of it but it's not all that makes a good life.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

When someone flips me off while driving
it sparks a small fire in me
I am far too excited to honk my horn
when the situation calls for it
when its a bigger car (size or party wise)
you will always be wrong
when there's that asshole
speeding past me
I remember that sometimes I'm that asshole too.
Maybe that asshole has a pregnant wife in the front seat
a dying relative clutching for life in the back seat
a job interview in 3 minutes and 45 seconds
Let it slide, let it nearly scrape past you
it could have been you
you could be them in the future
speeding toward an event
a ticket
a surprise moment in life
a death

When I feel you being pulled away,
when I feel you,
when I feel,
I can suspect
that it's not just me
who I worry about.
When I see a distance in your eyes,
a distance I can't reach,
a distance never measured,
I want to find you,
even be lost with you.
I want to make you stay,
stay in my gaze.
Where is your mind going?
Come back to me.
I can show you a path for your eyes to look-
not always on me,
I don't expect that,
but with me,
looking towards
who knows,
but looking towards.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

You told me you didn't like all the stuff I wrote. Okay, yeah I expect that, but still I mumble a little "Ouch" to myself. Oh come on, I say to myself...I dont like EVERYTHING someone does or says or writes either.

Yeah but,


You told me I'm accessible and unstructured. This is true.

That I have talent and unrefined skill.

& I say that's just me in general,

unrefined talent.

Is this a poem right now?

Nah, but it could be.

In fact yes, it is.

I declare it so right now.

Put it in the modern art of poetry book that I have just made up in this moment.


I think about those drives to Tahoe.
Loud, loud music of my choice blasting from beat up speakers, 
which at the time was any crazy electronic/melodic dubstep I approved of. 
I hear the songs now and I think of those drives. 
Songs that started with pretty voices and built up to an energy that I can't explain. 
Songs with sound waves that matched my heart beat. Driving for 3 hours and feeling nervous 
the entire way. An excitement that followed my car's speed. Long and winding into the dark. 
So dark that I didn't know what was coming. Redwoods spearing through the distance. Cold & fresh air seeping onto the glass.
A log cabin-esque looking gas station. 
A town you could miss in the blink of an eye. 
A familiar road sign that told me how far away I was 
from being wrapped in your arms. Red bull and sugary treats to keep me awake. Dark drives with flashing high beams. Late night thoughts. Excitement creeping up on me as gas drained. Excitement in my veins. 1/2 way there. I'm coming baby. 
I have to pee really bad but god damn I can't wait to kiss you. 
This drive is worth it. This all means something to me. This will be something to look back on. I'm looking back. I feel it in my heart. I remember those drives the most. That feeling. Not so much the days we spent together as the time I spent thinking about coming to you. The delay of being in your arms. The distance I travelled. The distance before we were two. The distance between me and you.
The distance I fought in the dark before I reached you.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Current thoughts

Get off your ass.
God damn that sandwich was good
but its going to feel heavy when I go for a run
which will be soon because Get off your ass.
I need some more music
I always need some more music,
it'll never be enough,
is that always my mentality? never enough?
no, not always.
I'm very content once I've set up my own little world,
as long as it's mine.
I always want to be closer with people
yet have a deep need to be introverted.
I drink too much
it's so fun and uninhibiting though;
maybe I'm just too scared to be that way in sober life.
I've always been shy
I don't seem like that now
but fake it till you make it!
That's been my motto lately.
So sometimes I appear confident but really I'm terrified.
Life can be scary, but I have it good.
I know I do.
I know some people will always have more money or a nicer ass or whatever
but I'm very lucky,
I want everyone to like me.
I can't stop drinking diet soda.
I have my vices.
I have my good advices.
I just wanted that to rhyme
I do have good advice I think, if only I'd follow it.
I can be quite motivational to other people despite my own lack of motivation.
This bandaid on my finger is really not helping me type,
thats what I get for washing dishes in my little sink and a giant butcher knife;
sometimes things are sharp and sneaky.
I can be sharp and sneaky
this is a long train of thought
wonder if it's going somewhere,
who cares life is good in this moment,
time for a run,
Get off your ass.
I saw you and you saw me
I caught your eyes catching me
and all our history
can be traced back
to those first blink of lashes

When you see someone you loved has moved on

It's strange when you smile at things
that would have hurt you before,
Strange when the mood that strikes you
doesn't really strike you
because it's softer than you thought.
As if it's a palm on the back of your shoulder-
it's not expected,
but it's reflected
that it's so.
A mood that's heavy but lifts something inside,
a mood that unwinds the bandages of time.
A mood that becomes a perspective,
a piece of ever evolving thought.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Everyday I see your frantic posts
Paragraphs of proverbs
The government's conspiracies
Thoughts of meditation
Questions of why we can't have peace
yet your despair against gun control.
Philosophical puke.
Relax man, calm down-
live, breathe, feel,
get off this internet high horse,
step down, I don't even know who you're talking to.
Then I think maybe that's just lazy thinking;
am I part of the unreachable masses?
Am I in an apathetic fog?
Whatever I don't care,
I don't want to
listen to you.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

A couple boys told me I'm too affectionate

I think the reason why I like to be touched so much
Is because when you do, you're reaffirming that I'm there,
that I'm here, with you.
If I'm touching you it's because
I want to be there,
the most there for  you you ever knew,
Even if you only know it for a moment.
Let's share breath and space and time.
Keeping your skin ignited with mine
lets me know you know
I'm here.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

My conquered fears

Finding love. When I was younger I didn't think I would get my first kiss until I was 21 because I was so shy. Don't ask why I picked 21...I also didn't think I would find love until I was much older than that, but I fell in love, hard, at 15 and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Learning to drive. I got frustrated easily and gave up just as easily. I put it off for awhile. I was waiting to get picked up from my friend to go to a party when I was 17 but my friend got too drunk and didn't want to drive, so I thought "This is ridiculous. Get your license." Even when I got my license I refused to drive on the freeway for about a year. Seriously. I drive like an asshole. yay!

Pushing away negative thoughts. I didn't look for a job for awhile because I had the fear I would get fired. what the fuck? I didn't even try because I thought this. My mom basically forced me to get one when I was 19. I worked at a place when I was in high school but it didn't feel like a "real job" so I was afraid of the "real world" and avoided it. I realized that I do like to work, and I like to help other people. The same thing happened when I starting working at Pyramid. I was terrified. When I got promoted I didn't even really want it because I was afraid of fucking up. I did fuck up...but one day I was so busy and I needed to focus. You can't do're not meant to do this. Maybe you should just quit. Those negative thoughts swirled in my head until I shut myself up with my hiding positive thoughts- Shut up! You're busy. You don't have time to think like that! Just go do it. It's strange feeling like I'm a very positive person but having so many doubts and insecurities. I'm very hard on myself because I feel like I deserve it, but...there's only so much negativity can do for you..

Moving out. I know that might sound kinda silly, but I'm very attached to my comfort zone. I love my parents. They are exceptional people. I love them so much that even when I moved out...I didn't move very far. I could literally walk over there. I need my family close. They know and love me the best. So maybe I still bring my laundry over there and I feel a pang when it's been too long since I've seen my dogs, but at least I'm paying for myself. I finally did it. I can keep doing it...I can keep saving money. I do indeed enjoy spending it...but I'm much better about saving it than I was before. I can live on my own. I can do it.

Quitting a job I hated. I could seriously go on and on about why this place was awful. I endured as much as I could, which was about 3 months. I thought I should just stick it out a little longer to keep it as resume experience but then I realized how miserable I was. I worked with the same people every day with a boss who was literally behind me the entire day. She was one of the most cold and judgemental people I had ever met. She always made me feel dumb. I don't thrive in that environment. I felt like it did make me dumb. It stressed me the fuck out. I heard stories aobut how other girls just left and never came back without saying a word. I wanted to do that, I really did. But I drove over there on my day off and sat in my car with a letter of resignation for a long time. I was sweaty and anxious. I got out of the car and asked to speak to my flat boss and explained myself. Two more weeks and then I was free. It's an odd accomplishment but it's worth being noted. It helped me determine what environment I don't want to be in.

I'm sure there's more...but I fear being late for my pedicure with my mom.

My current fears

disappointing people
staying stuck
getting hurt
my teeth falling out
seeing someone I know when I'm not wearing makeup
saying stupid shit in front of important people
a lack of passion

Sunday, March 24, 2013

A lover's request

Kiss me as deep as your thoughts
Be able to keep a secret...but not too many
Listen when my tone changes,
and be wary of your own.
Mention me in days that are far away.
Have nouns in your life that electrify your eyes.
Uncross my stubborn arms with the pull of your words.
Let me be mad...but not for too long.
Let laughter be the sun for our worlds to revolve around.
Don't be too afraid of my cooking...I'm trying.
Don't scowl at my efforts or I guess lack thereof,
I don't respond well to negativity.
I do need to be pushed sometimes, maybe shoved even,
As long as its with love.
I have a need for conversation
and a need for quiet.
A need for separate and a need to be only me,
But hold me as close as you'd hold yourself
Tell me as if you were telling yourself,
how much you love me.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

When you feel like disappearing,
You are existing more than ever.
You are present in your pain,
You are conscious of it,
Even if you wouldn't really like to be.
When you try to grasp meaning and reason
for feelings to be felt,
you will only find another philosophical question.
It's frustrating, I know,
Don't punish your time
by ignoring what's happened;
Face it and taste it and spit it out
show it that you've got this figured out.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

What do I believe?

I don't believe in heaven and hell. I believe in energy. The energy of emotions. I believe that if there is a force as powerful as love then there must be other things beyond our understanding. I believe if you put something out enough into the universe (whether youre aware of it or not, such as being negative or positive) it will come back to you in some way. I only want to put out love despite my anxiety and other complications. Love is my religion. It always has been.

I am random

Monday, February 25, 2013

The past is a funny thing;
Its heartbeat is still
but I can find life there if I look.
I mean that I can sigh
as if a moment was happening again.
I can smile at a photograph
because it means something different now.
I can feel what I felt
but never like in that piece of time.
when I saw you happy without me
I would feel a chaos of emotions,
but now,
in the present,
I'm happy to see you making a future.
I'm happy to see

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

I can't pretend I'm not affected by your words,
That I don't long to be seen by you,
That I don't want your eyes to pay me attention.
My own eyes fall into the curves of your handwriting
and rest there for moments at a time.
I sigh because the timing doesn't seem right.
I know it's me you want
and maybe you would change that
if you could.
You remind me of me when I'm in love,
Strangely enough I love you a little bit because of this.
I think to myself maybe one day I will really,
uncross my arms love you,
and it will be because I have finally and completely
fallen in love with myself.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

When I was in 4th grade I had really short hair ("the penis hair cut") and this kid asked me if I was a boy or a girl. I had football player shoulders and rocked some purple shorteralls over my spice girls shirt. I had like 1 friend and played handball by myself at recess. In 5th grade I had a unibrow and hadn't "grown into" my nose. Boys ran away when I said I liked them. In 6th grade I always wore a hat because I was really insecure about showing my face. In 7th grade I went on my first date (Charlie's Angels movie ohh yeah) and was so nervous I had to bring my friend and I laughed the entire movie cuz I couldn't keep it together. He tried to hold my hand but I balled it up into a sweaty fist which he tried to awkwardly "paper my rock" with aka hold my fist rather than hand. Up until only a couple years ago or so I was embarrassingly shy around new people and would frustrate some because I couldn't keep eye contact. It's been a long road to feeling pretty and secure, but nothing is more beautiful to me than the people who have loved me along the way...sooo thanks, have a beautiful day! end speech.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


Growing up with a big brother has made me who I am. Thanks for introducing me to your sweet super nintendo and N64 so I could be a videogame nerd later on. Thanks for letting me play with you and letting my Barbies play with your legos so they could look like giant prostitutes next to them. Thanks for driving me to high school when I was a freshman and you were a senior so I didn't look like a loser waiting for the bus. Thanks for being protective and loving and showing me silly videos and making me laugh. Thanks for putting up with my horrible communication skills and telling me you love me even when I've been a dick. Thank you for always asking how I'm doing. Thank you for staying the strong and kicking that brain tumor's ass, all the while making sure everyone ELSE was okay. You are a loyal, selfless,caring, bright, silly, wonderful example of a 28 year old man. Happy birthday big brother! I love you.

Monday, February 4, 2013

I have some questions poking at me.
Sweet thoughts can quickly be deflated by them.
Poke poke.
Well what are you going to do?
I've got some answers in my pockets,
but I don't want to let them out yet.
Solutions are safe when they're hidden.
They can't solve in the dark, but they're still there.
and I know to relieve this poking
I just have to reach inside,
(are we still talking about pockets?)
and reveal those answers.
I have to feel them for myself
and make them real.
Here they are.
Here I am, with them.
I've got nothing to hide.

The first time we met was at a mutual friend's party. Actually, it was to celebrate both of your birthdays that happened to be in the same month. I mostly met your friends and not you. There were hot dogs and red cups floating everywhere. There was loud music and weed smoke and hula hoops, people spinning fire, and smores. Blaine was in Kansas and we broke up shortly before this. Well fuck that, I was going to enjoy a party. And I did. I went home, alone, but content with the thought of new friends. The next time I met you, I saw you standing outside of Ryan's house on the 4th of July and you were crying. Me and a group of friends (you know which ones) were packed into a car and ready to get drunk and watch things blow up just as the founding fathers dreamed of. We were ready to get into party mode, but I saw tears and thought "uh-oh." You had a sweet face but I guess I imagined you to be like one of those drunk bitches who ends up getting upset and then her angry words turn into salty streams down her face and the whole vibe goes down the drain. I couldn't remember your name, it was just "crying girl." So we stayed for about 5 minutes and then packed ourselves into a car again and I took a drug I had never taken and the night became blurred with brilliant colors and strange conversations and memories.

After that I went on facebook and you sent me a chat message saying hi. I was hesitant at first; I didn't know what you were about. As loving and affectionate as I can be, it takes awhile for me to open up, to feel comfortable to reach out and touch. You explained what an awful night that was and then we just started talking about random things. I love when people say hi to me and seem genuinely interested in starting a conversation, but the awkward side of me sort of delays this or avoids this in some way. The harsher side of me just sees this as a one time thing and even though people say they wanna hang out, the effort of making this happen often falls short. But I said "hi" back, because why not? No harm in small chat. I started to see you more though, and although, I still felt somewhat distant from you because we hadn't gotten to know each other very well, I felt a connection.

 My first impressions of you and the image of "the crying girl" began to dissolve. I liked you because you were upfront and honest, you weren't afraid to express yourself even if it meant showing vulnerability. We liked the same music, we liked to drink. We liked to be loud and dance. Now these are all the makings of a fun friendship but over time I learned how thoughtful you could be. I was sad for awhile and I think I clouded my thoughts with parties and dumb stories, and yeah, I know I threw up on your couch and I've been a mess for you to take care of sometimes, but through this haze I saw that you weren't just someone to drink with, you were someone to talk to. I know I've climbed into my cave and shut you out before, but you were always one of the few people who understood me for doing this. You know I don't like it when you don't want to talk to anyone either, but I know we'll always meet up again. I began to tell you more about myself, and slowly let myself spill out. I was like this as a child, I like this now, I want this, I hate this, oh let's do this, have you heard this? would you like to?  I told you more because I began to know you more and this meant, to love you more. I wanted to make you laugh. I mean I always want to make people laugh, but I genuinely enjoy it more if I love someone. It's almost been five years now and I just wanted to thank you. I know you'll read this (that's another reason I love you), I feel like you really hear me. You aren't just waiting to speak again, you're listening. You know me (not the easiest thing to do) and you love me too. Here's to you dear friend, and many years to come.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Amy reminded me of this memory

I knew the wedding was not going to happen on the beach as planned. I saw your anxiety mix into the darkening sky overhead. "It will still be beautiful," I said. "Rain is romantic! You're getting married." You kind of frown and that worried look of uncertainty I've become familiar with can be seen on your face. Your lips kinda smush to the side and it looks you're tasting something bad. Plans had changed to move the ceremony from the beach to the event center where the dinner was to be held. It really is romantic though, the crisp sea air, the green that has come alive all around wooden docks stretching across the water. The light is not harsh, but like that of an illuminating candle. Your satin white is sharp against the gray surrounding you. We start to file into the cramped volvo. It begins to drizzle and we stuff you and your beautiful gown into the backseat of the car like a creampuff. I'm sitting beside you and Andrea. It seems like every time we try to get out of the car the rain starts again. Not just soft rain, but bursts of showers. "Okay, okay, lets just sit in the car for awhile." we all say and agree.
I swear as soon we try to open the car door again it becomes instantly wet outside again. So we sit there after each attempt and wait. The currents of nerves running through this volvo is as steadily present as the rain. We are a vehicle full of charged and nervous energy radiating out into the rain. We are trying to figure out a way to park and get out of the car as quickly as possible. This becomes frustrating and Andrea starts shouting. I don't even remember what she yells but it was something like "WELL WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA PARK?!" It's deserving of the caps lock because it's that dramatic. This negative tone is too much and I snap back with "WHOA. You don't need to shout like that. This is Amy's wedding." You thank me for laying down the law later. Andrea shuts her mouth and seems to realize you need peace. Silence and then eyes turned toward you. Your eyes are closed and you take a deep breath.

"I just need everybody to be quiet for me, " you say very softly. We respect this wish before we all spring out of the car into the wet Bodega Bay air like crazy bridesmaid jack-in-the-volvos. We huddle into a small room that seems like it's made for huddling or I guess storing your coat and purse in. Spattered on and chattering, we surround you and try to calmly breath together. A protective bridesmaid circle with misty curls and bare, goosebumped arms. Here we are. We tell you how beautiful you look. You do. You are ready. We are ready. You smooth your dress and hair and rattle out a big sigh. "I need something on my lips!" you say. Bridesmaids begin digging for color enhancement.
"Oh! I have a pretty lipgloss. Here!" I think you'll like this shade. You do. It's a soft and subtle pink with just enough shine and it reminds me of you. You spread its stickiness over your lips and add the final touch. In this moment I really feel like your'e my sister. Welcome to the family dear! Now let's get inside and do this. Let's get you married to my brother.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Romantic barf

Romantic Barf:
We went to Stacy's 4th of July party. There were good times and drinks to be had. Many drinks for you to have apparently. I didn't think you had that many until we reached my parent's house. You and I basically lived together there, which was great that we could but, um, parents lived there too. I parked in the carport outside and opened the gate gently as not to alert loud and friendly dogs. I imagined my dog Luna's sharp bark fogging up the window and Harlow's fat blonde tail thumping against the gate and her short snout snorting in delight. Creak. No barks or tail thumping. Success! I started walking briskly down the stone pebble stairs to the front door. I'm used to this descend, but to a drunk person it may seem like a long and dangerous path.
"Whoa, baby you're going too fast for me!" I heard you calling behind me. Oops, oh yeah, here let me help you. I walk back up some stairs and you throw your big arm around my shoulders. Okay, there we go. Now we are steadily stumbling down. I open the front door carefully. No barks or tail thumping. You stagger into my bedroom and crash onto my bed like a fallen tree, limbs sprawled out. Your shoes aren't even off. If you were still at the party I believe you would have been the victim of sharpie assault to the face. Who knows what sort of penises (peni?) and swear words you could have woken up to.
Your face is smushed in my pillows and then you roll over and groan. Oh my beer infused lover. I smooth my palm over your forehead and say, "I think you should eat something. I'm gonna make you some food."
At the mention of food, a look of sweaty desperation crosses your face and it looks as though everything in your stomach is curdling in disgust and is ready to leap right out of you. You make some kind of awful garble sound and slap your hand over your mouth and spring up from the bed. Oh god. You almost look like your skiing towards the bathroom, but you don't quite make it there...
In the true spirit of Independence day you barf out fireworks onto the hallway walls. Stars and stripes all over the floor, the door, the bathroom rug, the side of the tub. You barf pretty much everywhere BUT the toilet. The bathroom, by the way, is right beside my dad's bedroom.
and oh my god as horrendously repulsive as this all seems, I am laughing, laughing, laughing. I am holding back squeals because you are this fine gigantic specimen of a man and you are uncontrollably bursting from your face like some foul pinata. Finally you reach the toilet and unleash some more of your stomach's rejected 4th of July BBQ. You make the most gutteral and violent sounds from deep within your throat and the side of your cheek is pressed against cold, white bowl of everything you've eaten and drank in the past few hours. Poor baby. I rub your back and keep laughing. I think of girls who might shriek in these situations or just let the alcohol poisoned suffer alone. It smells fucking terrible, but I love you and in its own strange way this is a special moment. You are vulnerable and slurring your words and hacking up an awful mess but I'm there for you because I know you would be for me. Let it all out to let someone all in, right?

Friday, January 18, 2013

I miss feeling like a good person and I hate all these emo posts. I'm not sure if I'm a good writer when I'm really happy though.

see..? Emo again! argh. 2013 is to come clean. It even rhymes...meant to be. Shit! What do I do? I know what to do, but what to say? Why'd I make things so tangled and piled up for myself. I guess I've always been like that.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

How could you
When I cant even
take my own word for it?
I'm going to
Okay maybe not
I'll do it then
Yeah, we'll see
My thoughts circle around
the spokes of my troubles
but there is no going forward
and all though it's crazy to see
me spinning in place,
It's actually pretty boring.
Sweating over not going anywhere.
I guess all this is at least a form of exercise,
when I'm ready to be the person I can be.

Don't get jealous now,
It wasn't right.
Was it?
No, but for a time.
For a time it felt that way,
that way that you used to
that I and we when it existed,
used to.
I forgot what it was like to be wrong,
to be afraid to be hurt,
afraid you wont call or put me at ease.
Did I ever make you feel like that?
I have a hard time with change.
You know that,
but I really do like it,
when I realize that it's been awhile since it changed.
Everything seemed to fall in my lap
when I got up from yours.
Of course I cried,
all the time,
then here and there,
and then at odd times.
It's not like you can expect anyone to wait.
Would I even want to be with a man that waded through his sorrows
and spent his years in a state of guilty patience?
The answer is Nope.
I thought you were the love of my life,
but my life changed and so did yours,
and it still will.
How many forevers will I have?

Monday, January 14, 2013

Big cup of coffee, made it myself. Well not really, but I put the grounds in the little filter thing and the little filter thing went into the mouth of the top of the coffee maker thing and it did its thing and now I'm drinking the product of that, and its DeLiCiOuS. Now I'm trying to make myself pretty while I don't really listen to the tv. Soon I will take far too long to pack only a couple nights worth of clothes and movies and fun things to bring for friends kinda far away. Ahhhh....a nice little road trip by myself. Over into Santa Cruz's misty redwoods. Cold, fresh, air. 2 hours of loud music that I chose. Lunch I packed. It's the little things.

Friday, January 11, 2013

In the depths of something deep,
I don't know where, but I know its away,
I call out to where you can not hear,
& Memories tell me what you would say.
I hope hollow conversation does not follow you
Wherever you are speaking,
I hope for words as full as your heart,
that you find the peace you are seeking.
It's strange to be lost without moving
but you are still you,
Created to love and be loved-
and for this your life's worth proving.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Monday, January 7, 2013


No meddling
No looking
Kill the curiosity
of burnt bridges
Just focus on the inside
Leave the past
Don't be afraid
to be better
Don't be scared
of yourself
Don't swallow pain
and expect it not to come back
You wouldn't have to rush
if you weren't late so much
Find meaning
in the unexpected
the simple
the sweet
Be unapologetic
No sorry's to carry around
Be good this year.

Lessons from Donnie Darko

The end of the world is the day you die.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

It's hard to be so contradictory sometimes
a shy waitress
a lazy smart
affectionate and distant
open and closed off
a terrible communicator
who wants to reach everyone
I want to be in the social center
and left alone all the same
I want you to look at me
but not too hard
I want to laugh and talk for hours
but I don't want you to sit with me when I'm eating
but I do...
I want you to answer all my questions
but keep me guessing
give me your love
but don't just give it to me
I want to be known
but not criticized
I want to be grounded
I want to escape
I want to be honest
but I heard the truth hurts
I dont want to hurt
but Im bored if I dont
I want to be the best version of me
but I'm afraid of it
I don't know what I want

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

My family used to get sandwiches every Friday from this one deli in Lafayette. I finally got my license when I was 17 and this meant every Friday I became the chauffeur of sandwiches. Every Friday I'd go in and see my deli man behind the counter. Dark hair, thick eyelashes, deep gaze. Italian and cool looking. Yeah, I'll buy your meat. He didn't make the sandwiches though, he sold the slabs. Slab of beef, Slab of what's that, Slab of pickled This, Slab of corned That. So I always saw him, but never actually spoke to him. I know he saw me too. Every Friday for a couple of years. I looked forward to it, I saw him smile and looking forward to it too when those automatic doors let me inside. I'd order the sandwiches from someone else, but I'd be looking at him. He'd be looking at me too.

     Of the many times I did this he actually came out from behind the deli counter once which made me think of when the wizard of Oz is revealed to be only but a man. He was shorter than I thought but still pretty damn cute. I'm also shyer than I thought so when he did come out I actually redirected my shopping cart and pretended to be invested in finding an ingredient. Oh my god you wiener says my thoughts. Shut up my defensive self says back. I guess he didn't take my awkward reaction personally though because the next Friday we are staring at each other again. Someday I'll know his name. He will know mine. Give it a couple years-say when I'm like...20. More confidence than when I was 17, more experience, more style, more expectations, more of an idea of what I want-but not very much. I'd been away at school for awhile in a city where my deli man didn't work so when I came home for the summer, I was ready to pick up some sandwiches. I pause in my car before going in. Just say hi to him! I counseled myself in the car. Today's the day. It's been like 3 years. But what if it's like one of those things that is just better kept as an exciting, distant, flirtation? You know, like that friend you always thought was kinda cute and might be a good kisser, but nothing has ever happened because lust doesn't always translate into the future. What if- Shut up my defensive self says again. Go say hi, you wuss.

Defensive me ironically is a bully too. So I select a cart, go in, and get straight to ordering sandwiches. He sees me. We see each other. Same old staring game trying to hide little passing smiles. While I wait for sandwiches I shop around and think of how I'm going to say hi. I think so much about it that I don't even realize I've picked up the sandwiches and paid for everything and left. Shit! Now how are you going to say hi? I pack everything into the trunk and then come up with what I think is a wonderful excuse to go back inside. I need to buy a Red Bull. Oh yeah, I forgot...So I go buy one. Yep that's all I go back to buy. I take a sip hoping I will get "wings" of confidence. Then I walk up to his counter. There's an old couple in front of me. Another deli man asks if he can help me and I awkwardly shake my head no and point to my deli man. I think he might have seen me do that. He quickly helps the old couple and then *finally* we are face to face. This is what I say with a shaky voice: "Hi, um I don't really need to buy anything, I've just always seen you here and I think you're really cute, so, I just wanted to tell you that. Um, yeah."
He smirks and says "Yeah I've always thought you were cute too." I smile and try to keep eye contact. uh can I get your number then?"
   Yes! I write it on a napkin and smile like a lunatic when I get inside my car. He waits for the designated guy code of days (3) to call me. We talk for a long time. It's a fun conversation. What you like, what I like. Do you know who I know? Where'd you go to school? How old are you? Crazy that we're talking now. I'm excited about all of this of course. I tell my brother the story but when I tell him my deli man's name he instantly frowns. My brother recalls going to school with my deli man. Deli man was a dick to him and many others apparently. Well I'm kind of used to going out with dicks so I shrug it off. But we had such a good conversation! He's so cute! Maybe he's changed. People can change a lot in a few years. Yeah or maybe you should have just left it as it was-an attraction every Friday. Shut up. 

So I gave him a chance. He called me a few times and then after a few phone conversations I asked when we would hang out. He said we would soon and I was ready to, but it just wouldn't happen. He kept calling me though so I didn't understand. I started to get frustrated and he could tell. "Hey I just want you to know I think you're a sweetheart, and kind of a nerd, but I've kind of been seeing someone so that's why we haven't hung out yet. But she's not really someone I'm that into so" I cut him off here because I don't need to hear anymore and now I'm just pissed. "What the fuck, why'd you even get my number then? Why have we been talking?"
"Whoa, don't get so mad."
"Well that's unfair to that girl, you should just end it if you're doing shit like that."
"Who are you, the relationship police?"
Then I tell him exactly what I think of him with a string of swear words in there so he will take back about what he said about me being a nerd sweetheart and I hang up on him. I realize I got way more angry than I should have but at this point in my life I'm extremely frustrated by the bullshit of dating. I can't just say the bullshit of men because women have their very own brand of bullshit.
I'm pissed because my gut was right, but defensive self says At least you tried. How would you have known? Maybe later in life you would have been pissed that you never were bold enough to say hi to that deli guy. This scenario does not dictate your results for the future. 
So I keep trying to find someone special to say hi to. I fail some more. I have fun and get hurt. I walk away, but I come back.

A few years later I go get sandwiches and bring my exceptionally sexy boyfriend who I happen to be crazy about and happens to be crazy about me with me. I swear it's not to smite deli man, my family just still loves these sandwiches and deli man man still happens to work there. He looks irritated and I wonder for a quick second if I'm being rude with all my public displays of affection with my boyfriend but then I look over at deli man and think Who are you, the relationship police? 
If you can dream it, you can manifest it in the real word.