Tuesday, April 14, 2009

it's funny

because people say its therapeutic to write about troubling things, but i get so mentally exhausted that i don't even want to bother to spill it all out on paper. 
my excuses give me nosebleeds
they build up and burst out of my head
they surround my skull and make me run away
and wont sound meaningful till im dead
my excuses give me headaches
and rattle the peace in my sleep
they reduce me to head shakes
and im so tired i dont even want to write anymore.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

one of those posts

It's one of those weeks that i can tell will be difficult.

Today I started walking to class, late, as usual, but I decided that I should go to the library to work on my sociology paper. I came out of the library and I weakly smiled at and walked right past the assistant teacher of the class I had just skipped and then I also walked right past the teacher of the class I had just skipped. I know he saw me and like an idiot I just looked away and walked by faster. yeah, just walked right by with my bright red hair. maybe he didn't know it was me. sheepish is the word of the day. I've also been so spacey that i completely forgot that my midterm for that class is due this week, so in my desperate attempts i've been trying to email classmates to see if they will help me. I hope I have some pinch of good luck with that. 
I also (without meaning to) forgot to put back the earrings i "borrowed" from my mom and with my annoying habit of just leaving things all over the place (i actually noticed I did that less when I was on medication) i'm not even sure of where i did leave them. She always has to remind me to put her things back or not take them out of the room and I don't want to be that kind of daughter.

I'm not looking forward to going to classes this week.

I still have to finish this sociology paper

I still stilllllll have to finish this sociology paper.

I hate that I don't want to talk to you. Actually today I wanted to, but it was too much to think about.

I don't understand why you mention hanging out, it absolutely baffles me. 

Sometimes I really think about going to the community college back home. I feel more comfortable there, I feel that I have more friends and focus there, and of course it'd be nice to be closer to blaine. but as much as i love my parents, now that ive had a taste of having my own room here free of family supervision...it'd be hard to give up. but i have to face it, im not doing my best here, im not trying nearly as hard as i should be and it doesnt make me feel good. 

ive flaked and been flaked on...flakity flake flake. that doesnt make me feel good either. 

I've been with/seen Blaine everyday pretty much for the last 2 weeks, and it's only monday and he doesn't have his phone. I want to complain about all these things to him but it's only Monday and he doesn't have his phone. I feel like a baby for missing him after only a couple days, but I can't help it. I know I will miss him terribly when he leaves for a month. but the fact that i have a wonderful person to miss terribly makes this a little easier to write.

Friday, April 3, 2009

you were hoping to be weightless
because you told me
"ive been crushed by hope's weight"
so the less there is you say
the more balance you have
but i tell you it's easy
to keep your spine straight
when you're lying on the ground
not expecting anything to move you

i luv u 2

all my excitement goes into the flashing of a message on a little screen in a little box
cradled in my hands because it is my child at my side that i dont leave behind and i hold its hand every chance i get because like a child it has its own brain that i send words to
and you try to understand what your own little box says and then our words float in the air but have their backs turned to each other because im not entirely sure of what they look like, though you did kind of describe them to me but maybe you dont quite see the shine in mine and then maybe i dont know the sway in the step of yours because i tend to ramble on and my thoughts get trample-stampled in a stampede of senseless endless when i really need less- chattering.