Tuesday, March 17, 2009

what do you call an articulate dinosaur? a thesaurus.

i look at my posts and my words look so simple
this grosses me out. (disgusts, irks, disenchants, repulses, sickens, nauseates, upsets, bothers, disturbs, piques me) 
i need to read more, i need more words. 

Monday, March 16, 2009

titles are hard to think of

my room mate lets me borrow her computer so i can type out the many things i have due....but where do i go? here. because whenever i have something that needs to be done i seem to do everything else but that.
i almost didnt, but i called you today and im glad i did.
the only thing i was really upset about losing was the video we made after the first day we met. it was only a few seconds long, but when i watched it randomly the other day i felt so glad to be where i am now. i told you im afraid of being too mushy sometimes and i know you read this sometimes so i just want you to know how nice it's been with you around and i mean every word.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

because the last couple posts were negative i feel the need to be positive

so...my spring break is soon yay!


you say you're happy for me, but you dissect this happiness, take a part its pieces because you don't understand how it came to be. you don't see how this could all work, how things could fit and create peace and how to step back and take it all in, appreciate and experience all of it. you tell me this is all some silly machinery, because you don't know, you don't see, you don't feel it they way that i do. im brought down by trying to bring you up.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

im letting it go though

i had been looking for it for awhile now,
i thought maybe i misplaced it knowing how i am and how unorganized i can be
but this was special, this was something i would never want to lose
my grandpa gave it to my grandma as a present
its beautiful and means more than just style
and i saw it in your drawer.
you don't know how special it is or what it means
or that it was my graduation present and it fits my wrist perfectly
that my grandpa didn't have much money and he bought it just for her
that i never got to meet him
you don't know that my grandma used to wear it when she was capable and smiling and took care of herself and told stories and didn't bare weight on my mom's back
you don't know how disappointed my mom would be to know that i lost it
how it still works after all these years
and if you didnt leave the drawer just a little bit open, i wouldnt have seen it
and it would never mean the same to you as it meant to me
but i saw it in your drawer and i took it back

Sunday, March 8, 2009

sunday night

im listening to what i assume to be the young couple argue in the room below me
she gets annoyed when he stops to cough
and he gets annoyed that he has to make an extra effort
to keep up with a throat itchier than his
it's not when they raise their voices that i worry
or when their swear words aren't muffled by the ceiling
it's those silent pauses they have
when their minds are let loose
and theyre processing what each has just said
and they're building up responses to conversation a or b
when things that aren't said are thought of
when things aren't said
when things build to an everything
and everything is a pile of rotting words
things are a heap of not now trailing off...

Monday, March 2, 2009


i savored the last minutes of sleep with my boyfriend before saying goodbye

transported my new bed from lafayette up 3 flights of stairs to my room in san jose with my mother

ate lunch at the thai place across the street with my mother

went grocery shopping

worked out with my best friend

so why is it so damn hard to do my school work?

my mom said "i hope it won't be as hard for you and your brother as it was for me to figure out what i wanted to do in life"

well, shit.