Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Sometimes my sense of intuition is funny

Oh my little beat up 99 toyota corolla. I've been driving you since I was 16. The other night I said to myself "This is the last time I'm going to drive this car. It doesn't even go in reverse! It's crazy to keep driving it." So when I got pulled over and I told the lady officer that she would honestly need to push me out of the spot I pulled into, she said with sympathetic eyes, "I'm sorry but I can't allow you to drive this car. I need to tow it. Do you have someone to call and pick you up?"
and I did. and Im lucky. lucky to have a back up car. a friend to pick me up. a car I got to drive through my adolescence. and now those memories are compacted into a metal cube in the great impound lot in the sky.

goodbye to a special friend of mine. Rest in pieces Toyota. Thank you for allowing me to blast my music in you, have sex in your back seat, smoke, talk with myself, scream, travel, spill various drinks and dishes in you, sleep, cry, make it home safely, & being there for me when I need you.

Enjoy what you have while you have it.

Monday, January 23, 2012

in response to your facebook post

"Why is it that when we see something beautiful or find ourselves in an ideal situation there is a part of us that wants to destroy it or sabotage it??? Is that just the duality of human existence or life as a whole??? Can we never experience good without secretly wanting that same good to be annihilated??? There is something deep inside me (and maybe all of us) that perceives and realizes something pure and positive yet at the same time wishes to indulge in a fury of rage and hate and sabotage the whole thing while knowing I will regret it after the fact. Am I the only one here?? Is this what determines the good people from the bad?? The ability to choose the light over the dark..."

and I said:
im struggling with that idea myself. its hard for people to relax and be happy because they know it can be fleeting so I think rather than have life or some other force beyond their control take it away, they do it first. fucked up defense mechanism.

Sunday, January 22, 2012


Sometimes I get so mad at you because we can be very similar. It's like I'm looking at mistakes I have made or potentially could make. Who am I to get upset with someone for not keeping in contact or making plans with me when I tend to fall off a social cliff every now and then. I see so many of my insecurities in you & vice versa. I guess it's natural to be drawn to people who fuck up in the same ways.
I think its good to have people who challenge you in your life. sometimes I feel this subtle competition amongst certain people; I like that it pushes me but other times I think of just slamming my door in frustration like I used to as a kid. I would actually even re-slam the door if I felt its slamming wasnt satisfactory. little brat.
It also makes me think back to 2009 when I met someone who I was so happy to call my own that I didn't see the other issues I would be calling mine too. Actually I think I did, but who really gives a fuck about potential issues when someone drives over 40 miles just to see you and be in your company (sex too). Was I really thinking about red (or white) flags when he just showed up at my apartment door? and for a long time it was just such a rush of affection and happiness to see each other that we never wanted to talk about anything unpleasant because we wanted to have fun. and we did! but buried issues just grow into weird roots, into trees that tower over you after having started so small. I am such a metaphor slut...
but seriously, I was in such a happy bubble at first that when I called up one of my oldest and dearest friends to talk about him I expected her to be inside the bubble with me. but after listening to me, (shes known me since I was 11- there has been a lot of listening) she flat out said "I'm glad youre happy, but I don't think he's the one for you." and at the time I thought "How dare she!" what a jerk. squashing my enthusiasm. but I think somewhere I knew you were right....that is to say, I was angry because you usually end up being right...and you made the same mistakes as me too. I refused to talk to you for awhile because you just kept dating the same asshole over and over- and I don't just mean that same guy, but that same type too. I realized when you said that to me that you were challenging me to find something (not necessarily someone) better. Thank you! I love you.


I can be really hard on myself. This ugly voice in my head says "youre not cut out for this"
before I left work tonight one of my coworkers said to me, "everyone believes in you, but you."

Friday, January 20, 2012

i have to wake up early tomorrow

It's finally raining. the way the weather has been makes me think that the world is going to end. as far as Im concerned the world ends when you die.
sometimes i stress myself out
to the point of reminding myself to not be so- that way. its all in your head. whats in my head? maybe a therapist should tell me. but i want to be able to tell myself. sometimes i think i rely too much on horoscopes and fortune cookies to tell me whats going on in my life because i can construct them into truths as I see fit. I think I contradict myself a lot. I'm so patient and impatient all at once. I want it NOW but I don't want to ask for it. I don't want to bother you but...god dammit I want to bother you. aggressively passive.
and you, you're so right here. you want to be there for me. you ask for me everyday. you tell me why. it makes me feel wonderful and awful all at once because i'm not even completely present for it. I'm being pulled in another direction. seeing my eyes in another's reflection. sometimes i think I just write garbage. garbage is a sharp word. its got some hard a's. i used to like to drink a lot of hard a. i still do but not to the obliterating point i used to. i used to do a lot of things differently. i do a lot of things the same way. what a transitional stage of life. now im just trying to think of things to say. how annoying.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Aw, I wrote this when I was 16...

"How did you know?" he asked.
Because I was unsure,
I told myself it couldn't be,
But there it appeared in every direction,
Every stray moment,
Pulsing through my fingers,
Speaking through silence.
Because there was something stronger,
Stronger than all my structured bones,
Something filling to the brim,
But its contents remained ambiguous,
Bubbling over rising pricks of heat
and in one gesture,
Released and unconfined.
It let the steam in my veins finally erupt
and my whole life was caught underneath another's eyelashes.
"You just know," I said.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Why does anyone react physically? You can't put your anger into words so you put it into pain. Sentences form as the lines of your palms. Words stay trapped & squeezed into fists.
I remember I was so angry at you that I slapped you right across the face. I had nothing else to say! I had already talked for hours, so it felt right. I was exhausted & I wanted you to feel it. I could feel the heat on my neck, the blood climbing up, hot & rash. Turning red. I took my red & slapped it onto your face. Because for a moment there, the sympathy was smacked right out of me. I responded in passion. So you know I meant it.
& then, the red melted. That fiery flare of temper was put out by the colder reality of what had really happened. Exclamations turned into questions. Turned into doubts. turned into ladders leading up to nowhere. Anger can be so soothing because at least in the midst of it you feel justified, charged with your side of the story. There's a shield there. There's a defense in not thinking clearly. But I'm not one of those people who can stay angry for very long. & thank goodness & love for that, that I don't carry anger around like some hateful torch. Crying is so wonderful if you think about it. I've wondered what the scientific reason for crying is... I mean yes, you tear up when something is in your eye, that part makes sense. But why when you're sad, overcome, shocked, whatever? I think that you are so overwhelmed by your own feelings & thoughts that the mind just needs a break. It doesn't know how else to deal with the sudden swell of emotions so it releases stress physically. The mind has no answers in that moment, it almost seems like an emergency exit of sorts. You can't figure out how to work it out in your head so your body tries to help. You've been mentally slapped in the face, so the only way you can describe it is by having a moment to break down & cry. Letting it out before you let it back in to process it. & now I wonder, the people that stay angry...are you just afraid to be vulnerable for a moment? Or maybe you've been taught that hands are words & that's the only way you can express them. That's not what I was taught by the way, but when I slapped you it was the only thing that made sense to me at the time. 

.Laura Curren.
Sometimes I feel like I tell my secrets to strangers. strangers can also mean those people in your life who arent really in your life but have been, or might be later on. I think I share with strangers because they dont really know me right now, but they have an idea, so it just seems less judgmental. I like to talk about all kinds of things and I would consider myself to be a very open person, but in some ways I'm very private. I have these ideas, or you might call them defense mechanisms against actually facing problems-that it's better for me to shell myself in various ways-go back to my room, go back home, dont talk, dont call, dont do anything really except wade in my own turmoil that ive created. sometimes I think I give excellent advice and I wish I would follow it. I think that honestly, I'm just afraid to grow up. Instead of being more adult I just kind of twist myself into scenarios or remain at a plateau because flat is familiar and comfortable. I'm terrified! I said it. and instantly my mind scolds me for thinking that because life could be so much worse. There's a boy I know who says I'm the only one for him. Ive heard it before yes, but I don't mean to cheapen his words there. I see in his eyes an intense sincerity that has peeled back some corner of my mind. right now im just thinking. the world is waking up, but im already awake. searching for something. I said I wasnt looking, but tell that to these sticky feelings inside. I want everything to be okay in the end. no, I want better than okay, but I know that its the struggle, the sticky, that makes all those moments of clarity and peace really exceptional. and if im happy I want to learn to really savor it because I know that moments are fleeting, because if at a constant it would be boring.
life is not boring for me. what else have you got, 2012?

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I run past an old couple
a child on a bike,
all the stages of life,
& I think about my own,
the quarter of it
thats already past,
but a quarter is different currency
to someone else
in another country,
in another state of health.
Long ago i would be middle aged
longer ago i might be dead
even further back
I might be a star or a speck
I might just be silence
an ever absorbing black
but now I could be anything
i could be but,
reality & doubt seem to project something else
what am i evolving to
whats the next step here
im better at coming up with my own moves
but I have no sense of direction
only the ones I see others go in
my goals have no cement mixed in them
they arent tangible, they dont stay on the ground
trains of thoughts rush past me
some are tired and rusty
their tracks go to dark places
some are full of hope
with no real destination
but the trick is
to train these trains to believe in me.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

ah to be twenty something & with a tongue ring
to be young & fresh & hot
& tan & free & taut
to go out, or maybe not
i should plan things
but its not that bad
really not that bad
my teeth look fine
i have no grudges with time
i should think before i
nope, nevermind
and yes hopefully as lines in my skin get deeper, i will too
but for now being shallow will do

what ive got for matt & amy's wedding so far (not refined at all amy cuz I know youre reading this)

I stand before all the love I've known in my life, and its you who I choose
The day we met was the first chapter of something beautiful ive read before
but its your version that I truly adore
something beautiful that i just cant put down
something i read before i go to sleep and when i wake up
its your words that carry me through my days
but you are more than words
you are love in tangible form
you make romance real, something i can touch for all my remaining days
something i can breathe and taste
you are the love ive collected and saved
you are the love that started in the back of my mind
the love i had always hoped would surface
you bring it out of me, you let it rest in my thoughts
you make it move, you make it speak
and never is it still or silent as long as i am with you
for as long as i am