Saturday, April 4, 2015

Some nights when my mind is not calm,
I can't cut off the tentacles of negativity
or make laughter ring from my lonely heart.
I feel the need for someone,
To be distracted from my thoughts,
But on some nights my thoughts need me,
& I let them have me,
Let them unfurl like smoke,
Like ferns,
Like tongues.
I let them curve into questions
& I don't always feel answers,
But I feel something,
Connected to my own interpreted universe,
My version of now,
& I think about everything that I perceive to be everything.
I just sit
& try to let my mind ride freely,
A moment away from the traffic of routine,
Away from the labels people are supposed to give me,
The clutter of what others have said to me,
The mindless letters & numbers,
& this sort of boring normalcy
That's only craved when your world is in chaos.
On these nights my escape is in my own head
& though I make no sound, I am not quiet.
My mind & heart operate me,
My love and curiosity animate me.
I thank my subconscious thoughts
for singing to people who understand,
Those in this life
Who have heard my heart beat,
Who have put their ear to my chest
& wanted to know what makes me alive.

You left so easily.
You kept a straight face
While I fell apart in the doorway.
I cast an invisible force field
That shook with my eyes and my words.
You didn't sound or look anything like this,
So anger took over me.
I threw your things,
Threw the last of you I could hold.
The words balled up in me
& I threw them against your back.
I shoved you as hard as I could think of
& you fell over
& told me I was fuckin' nuts
As you had a right to do...
Because I had to be as explosive 
As when we first came together!
However way you wanna read that.
But even if they were throwing things-
My arms were still open. 

I remembered you randomly today,
& thought about that one date.
You took me to a low-lit, 
nothing less than $15 place
& talked about mixology
& I didn't care.
I thought it was cool that you had a tattoo
but also thought it was kind of a shitty tattoo.
You smoked 10, 000 cigarettes
& I felt mildly poisoned.
I always thought you were cute in highschool
& told you that years later on facebook.
I was caught in your social web
& decided to add another dimension
& meet in person.
So we did & we went to a few bars.
In the middle of one of them
you said: "Kiss me right now."
So I did
& we were a movie in the middle of mediocrity 
for just a memory of a moment.
Even a girl came up & said: "Y'all cant be kissing like that in front of all of us single people!"
But I started laughing and told her it was our first kiss
& she said "Damn! Really?!"
Because I knew, 
& I guess everyone else knew, that looked good.
So we give that kiss room to escalate,
We go back to your place.
I know it's fast but there I am,
looking at your tv show collection naked
& judging your choices
Game of Thrones, not bad,
back to pretend sleeping in this new environment.
Then there's some romantic morning boner
& you walk me out
& call me dude
& give me a poor excuse for a hug 
while my wincing face is on the other side of your shoulder.
I laugh and shake it off as soon as my car key turns
& only think of you 
when you come up as a dumb anecdote.