Saturday, January 25, 2014

You make me want to
dust off my books,
wipe tables where our drinks leave rings,
fold my clothes & take them off.
You make me want to try.
You make me want to clean
so we can make a mess.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Dating Adventures

I was 20 years old, living in the dorm apartments at San Jose State. I had friends, but I was lonely. Longing for connection. Slowly but surely coming out of my cave. I could have looked for different hobbies, or classes, or clubs, or sports, but nah I looked for a boy instead. San Jose was vast and I felt small and shy. So many places I didn't venture to because I would seclude myself to a glowing laptop in a tiny room (At least this room is bigger and this laptop is better). 20, what a strange age. You're so almost but not quite. I certainly felt like that.
    So I can't remember why I was taking the elevator fact I usually took the stairs (you're welcome ass) but I wasn't gonna meet anybody by staying in my room. I think I was going down to the food court to get a Subway sandwich. Romantic. When I stepped into the elevator there was a very attractive young man looking back at me. Not a dude or a guy, but a young man ( I found out he was 8 months younger than me though). He smiled. I smiled. I liked his glasses and dark brown hair. I liked how tall he was and his loop worthy arms. I liked how he was smiling at me. I like how he startled me with conversation.
  "So, are you going to look at the eclipse?"
       "There's an eclipse?"I said with surprise and interest.
 Then I listened to you explain how you were going to go look at it. I watched your pretty hazel eyes open and scrunch with expression and I decided you were really cute. Something about you mentioning an event happening in the sky too I guess. It felt like it was "in the stars." I don't care if that's cheesy. I am cheesy. It feels good to be when you're happy. But then the elevator paused at your stop, as they are prone to do. I wasn't done talking to you though! You smiled again and said some innocently cute thing like "Go watch the eclipse! Take care." Something kind of nerdy but adorable. You have to understand too that my hair was bright red, I had a nose ring, tongue ring, I had the 20 year old girl thing going. Finding my fashion sense and myself. I looked like I would fuck this guy up. Corrupt him to the core. This cute little square bear. He's adjusting his glasses and I'm adjusting my boobs. Anyway, he left the elevator. I was sad but it was a weird transition. Like, what am I going to call out after him as he steps out? "Wait!!! You're the only cute boy I've found so far! Everyone has been already attached or a dickhead! Come back nice boy." I didn't do that. But, I did make a sign.
        I made a sign (crafted at my tiny built in dorm desk) that said: "You asked me about the eclipse. You have glasses and brown hair. You're really cute! It was nice to talk to you :) " Then I took this sign with me in the elevator and held it to my chest to hide it from other people. I waited until I was alone in the elevator because that's just an odd situation for people to see you tape up a missed connection sign. I was alone; sign taped. Then more people got on the elevator and read the sign I just taped in front of me. They would laugh and say how cute it was. This also felt like a social experiment. A couple days passed and my cinderfella had not come to claim it was him. I know that was a terrible pun. I saw that my sign had moved though, to a specific floor...maybe someone was aiding my cause and knew he lived on that floor? Miraculously that same day I bumped into him. Literally.  "Oh, I'm sorry...hey did you...?" and I looked up and saw those pretty hazel eyes and then freaked the fuck out inside cause I was embarrassed.
"Oh, hey, yup that was me."
"Oh, wow,that is so cool. You just did that?"
"Yeah, I'm spontaneous like that." (sales pitch)
So then he just kinda paused and looked at me smiling looking like he was thinking "well I'll be damned." But I think even in his head he's too square to swear. Pause over.
"Well uh, can I get your number?"
"Yes!" SMILE.

So then exactly 2 days later he called me. A phone call seemed very old fashioned somehow. I was expecting a text but was glad he didn't. He then said he doesn't have text messages so that made sense. He was inviting me out for a date. How formally cute. I accepted.
As we were strolling around together some differences were noted. A homeless, shopping cart wielding, woman walked by us reeking of weed. I started giggling.
"Woo, hello" I said.
"Do you do that?" he asked
"Do I do weed?" I said almost chuckling.
"Yeah, have you?"
"Yes, I have...and do."
"Oh." he said
"Have you?"
"Oh." I said
Then I explained how it makes me feel and why and blah blah blah and he listened but I could tell he just labeled me as wrong. And whatever, at this point I could have smoked less weed than I was so I wasnt ruling him out because he didnt like to set the same plant I like on fire and smoke it. He said some things that rubbed me the wrong way like "Love never means having to say you're sorry" and I said that was bullshit. I also said "real mean apologize" and he shook his head at me and said no. And I said, "Really, it takes a certain strength to admit you're wrong. Love is about compromise." But he already shut my idea down. Nope. Then after these debates, I wouldnt even say conversation really, we kissed. I was very surprised it was a good kiss. I even told him that. "Opposites attract," he said and then went in to kiss me again. It was a kiss to melt into. I was alarmed by how passionate it was. Then he told me he was a virgin. Okkkay. But we were still pretty young so I didn't walk out on him there. It was again, just another difference noted. He was different. College is about differences. So I gave it a shot.
      Our differences became more and more apparent. I remember stopping by his dorm one saturday night before going to a toga party at a frat. I had made my own toga out of leopard print fabric and I had been taking some underage shots with my underage friends. Here I am, a rare, spotted, lush. He was sitting at his desk, studying. On a saturday. I needed (and still do) to be a more responsible person, but this was too much. I know I was some spice in his life that he always avoided and now he was trying a taste. So I laughed at his books and he laughed at my toga. And you could laugh at this Dharma and Greg shit. And we made out and I bid him farewell. I had places to be drunk in and he had texts to digest. It probably should have ended right there but it ended for me, mentally, on our last date.
         We hung out in his very clean and organized dorm (oh my god if he ever saw mine at that moment...) and he wanted to watch the movie Gattaca. I'd never seen it. Cool. After the movie I asked him if he ever thought about there being worlds outside our own. A planet just like ours. Or like ours but slightly different. Or entirely different. There could be galaxies that stretch out infinitely. Or is it infinite? and he just said, "No." Thats it, "No." I tried to probe further. Ask the same questions in a different way but all I got was "No." He narrowed his mind to whatever I was saying and that was it. Then I narrowed my mind towards him and that was that.

the stages of love

You kinda.
You wanna.
You want to.
You do.
You are.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

you're angry,
but we both cry.
we hold each other.
that's what we have right now.
& we know
when we let go
there is no tomorrow. 

Friday, January 10, 2014

Just would like to add as a side note: this is not directed at anyone specific. Amy I know you read this and it's definitely not directed at you! I love you guys. You guys are ready. Okay, maybe it's happening around you. Maybe every other Facebook status has an instagramed engagement photo and omg you want one of those too. Or omg your friends are having a baby and you want one of those too.Alright,  if you want all those things, that's your choice, but most good things need to simmer so to speak.  I'm not saying the party ends when you're married, but if you feel like you want to be with someone forever, take the time to really be sure. Live together, find out their strange habits and quirks. Are you always yourself around them? Do they know the right spots to hit and make you orgasm physically and mentally? Is this what you always want? Digest their mannerisms, roll over and look at them in the morning and decide "yes" everyday. Study your feelings with this person and how they radiate out of you. It bothers me when women tell me a timeline of these goals: "I want to be married by the time I'm 26 and have kids by the time I'm 30."

And in my head I say "Uhhhh what about by the time you meet someone you feel so strongly about that you want to share your entire world with them, forever. Or when you're established as an independent human being. When you're done finding yourself. When you've found a career you're passionate about. When you're financially stable and can provide for yourself should anything happen. When you feel you've loved yourself, alone, long enough. When you can say your stories, experiences, and values have shaped you for the better. Take it all in. For awhile. Have fun. Be stupid. Make mistakes. Break hearts. Get your heart broken. The world is vast. The time is now. Open your arms not just to a man but to everything you want. Study yourself. Indulge and be selfish while you can. Explore! Go! Marinate in possibilities. Dig into your desires. Develop your mind more."
But in person I just say: "That's cool, I think I'm gonna wait awhile." 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

This happened the other day

Driving home from work,
Driving in picturesque suburbia,
Giving that volume knob a friendly turn to the left,
Trees all along the streets,
Nice cars polluting nicely,
& I see a father and his kids,
Scooters and helmets.
Lookin like Michaels, Scotts, and Matthews,
But before I can smile at this
Boyish whiteness,
I see the father take the scooter
& shove it towards his son,
Shove it hard and angrily,
To show that this is no longer fun.
I roll down the window
& yell out : "You dick!"

Sunday, January 5, 2014


Thank you for
knowing me and seeing the real me
telling me when I'm getting out of hand
being concerned
loving me anyway
telling me the truth however prickly it is
being there when I need you
Not saying anything at all...even when you just fall asleep on my couch like you tend to do
Cooking amazing food that brings people together
making me feel special on my birthday and special in general
always making me smile
I love you!

Saturday, January 4, 2014

He knows better,
She knows better,
But he'll let her
Think she's in control,
So he can sell his charm
And around goes his arm
Around her.
She likes it there,
However momentary,
Like conquering a cloud.
Just a dumb little waitress
Who's not really that dumb,
But likes to have fun.
So maybe when she opens her eyes
She says oh no what now.
She rolls over to a sleeping mistake
And her reality is shaken awake.
So maybe she knows its not right
But it's good for the experience,
Good for the writer's plight,
Cause she likes to do that too
And stay awake too long at night.
She likes to feel anything but nothing.
When she thinks she doesn't want him anymore,
He stirs it up inside
And she leaves her clothes on the floor.
Feelings are feelings,
Precious no matter how they are formed,
Rather to feel them than to be bored.
Sometimes they are easier to define
When you are not speaking of yourself,
So it's hard for me providing service
To a man selling something else,
Something not as it may seem,
When I just want the man,
But dumb waitresses can dream.

A text from a real friend

"...the universe tends not to work in negatives...
If you keep telling yourself what you don't want, it will manifest itself into your life regardless...
Maybe instead be kind and supportive to yourself?
Maybe tell yourself that you would like to make your partying a little healthier and that you would like to make an effort to treat yourself and others as you would hope anyone would treat you or your best friend?
Just live with love Laura, and I know your life will become what you want it to be.
You aren't an asshole, you just need to remind yourself of who you are and what you are all about. Find yourself again Laura, I know you are in there..."

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Don't get me wrong,
(Which is such a simple way to say
Please understand me),
You are great!
I want to bite your neck and mind
And savor you one piece at a time,
Obsess about you seasonally,
And use up all your resources
Of time and energy.
If I wasn't attracted to you
This would be much easier,
"This" being my feelings.
I think I'm more in love
With my feelings than you
So don't get too scared,
'Cause its me, not you.