conversation i heard my parents having

mom: I wanted you to walk through the door first because I wanted you to make sure it was fixed.
dad: And I wanted you to go first because I already fixed the door and I wanted you to see it.
mom: Bear, lets go get some pillows.
dad: How about sticks?

i can only hope for this

i read this post

"I found that when I lost someone whom I considered the woman of my dreams, that there was much to do within myself to fill that hole. But, I still repeat to myself that if my heart hangs on to her, it will never be open to another. I try to fill myself so I am whole regardless of my partner, so that eventually a new partner who also is working to fill herself will be able to appreciate and understand. We will love not out of need to fill eachother's lacking but because of how we inspire and propel eachother forward. That's the hope that keeps me going, and makes the loss seem like it really was just meant to be, so I could learn to be full in myself."

my love is deep and awkward

peace of mind. are you as unattainable as me right now?

Old Lady I Talked To Today

Your face looked like
the sourest of apples;
puckered, pickled,
angry arches.
The sourest of apples;
the one that
fell from the freight,
out of the truck,
off of a cliff.
The one that
heard its heart
break on the rocks
& decayed in defense
to this split in its core.
The one that stayed sour
by never asking for more.

i fell in love with a writer

There's a present hurt in my chest
a fragile place to make a nest
& shelter my hopes flying outwards
with a beat i have doubt towards
A vulnerability I forget every time
arising when the love climbs

You tell me:
"I don't always say the right thing"
but I'm thinking of songs we sing,
funny faces you make at me
a private parade for us to be.

I'm thinking about no words at all,
when we met at at the end of fall
waved your hand out the car door
said you would sleep on my floor

I'm thinking about quiet comfort
an understanding of some sort
that what we want is me and you
that this was what we both knew

You tell me:
"I dont always have the right words to say"
but I read something you wrote the other day
and it told me otherwise
it told me more than you realize

the best message

usually i feel like the one that makes an effort to get to know someone, it's nice to know people are still interested in getting to know me

yes I'm sad. yes, I'm hurt. I keep putting my heart out there and i tend to give the whole thing away when I feel I've met someone special enough. and while it's tempting to say fuck you to everybody and put up walls, I refuse. cliches are so appropriate right now. just be yourself, just be yourself. there is someone out there that will love you for you, wholly you. every last goddamn habit, quirk, gesture, expression. there is. don't tell me that's a fairytale. don't tell me you don't believe in love.

up for it

chin up, cheer up,
felt up, check up,
follow up, prop up,
cough up, grow up,
throw up, give up,
live up, sit up,
shut up, fuck up,
so many verbs
close to this direction,
and the hardest one
to do is get up.

everything i was worried about, happened. everything i hoped wouldn't, did. what i built. what i tried to make. what i knew would break. what i knew would hurt. i knew this all.

in a nutshell.

crazy.passionate.caring.jealous.witty.impulsive.creative.expressive.
quiet.shy.loud.contradicting.hypocritical.blunt.selfish.indulgent.
optimistic.lazy.fiery.silly.artistic.protective.crude.confused.
intelligent.perceptive.oblivious.reflective.morbid.emotional.
sensitive.harsh.loving.untimely.unorganized.awkward.restless.
defensive.forgiving.unexpected.lucky.insatiable.complex.comforting.

how is one in sane?
i want to be outsane.
everything not in.
outwards.
out of the wards.
an idea so insane;
to show the insides
when in pain.