Tuesday, April 2, 2013

My conquered fears

Finding love. When I was younger I didn't think I would get my first kiss until I was 21 because I was so shy. Don't ask why I picked 21...I also didn't think I would find love until I was much older than that, but I fell in love, hard, at 15 and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Learning to drive. I got frustrated easily and gave up just as easily. I put it off for awhile. I was waiting to get picked up from my friend to go to a party when I was 17 but my friend got too drunk and didn't want to drive, so I thought "This is ridiculous. Get your license." Even when I got my license I refused to drive on the freeway for about a year. Seriously.   ...now I drive like an asshole. yay!

Pushing away negative thoughts. I didn't look for a job for awhile because I had the fear I would get fired. what the fuck? I didn't even try because I thought this. My mom basically forced me to get one when I was 19. I worked at a place when I was in high school but it didn't feel like a "real job" so I was afraid of the "real world" and avoided it. I realized that I do like to work, and I like to help other people. The same thing happened when I starting working at Pyramid. I was terrified. When I got promoted I didn't even really want it because I was afraid of fucking up. I did fuck up...but one day I was so busy and I needed to focus. You can't do this...you're not meant to do this. Maybe you should just quit. Those negative thoughts swirled in my head until I shut myself up with my hiding positive thoughts- Shut up! You're busy. You don't have time to think like that! Just go do it. It's strange feeling like I'm a very positive person but having so many doubts and insecurities. I'm very hard on myself because I feel like I deserve it, but...there's only so much negativity can do for you..

Moving out. I know that might sound kinda silly, but I'm very attached to my comfort zone. I love my parents. They are exceptional people. I love them so much that even when I moved out...I didn't move very far. I could literally walk over there. I need my family close. They know and love me the best. So maybe I still bring my laundry over there and I feel a pang when it's been too long since I've seen my dogs, but at least I'm paying for myself. I finally did it. I can keep doing it...I can keep saving money. I do indeed enjoy spending it...but I'm much better about saving it than I was before. I can live on my own. I can do it.

Quitting a job I hated. I could seriously go on and on about why this place was awful. I endured as much as I could, which was about 3 months. I thought I should just stick it out a little longer to keep it as resume experience but then I realized how miserable I was. I worked with the same people every day with a boss who was literally behind me the entire day. She was one of the most cold and judgemental people I had ever met. She always made me feel dumb. I don't thrive in that environment. I felt like it did make me dumb. It stressed me the fuck out. I heard stories aobut how other girls just left and never came back without saying a word. I wanted to do that, I really did. But I drove over there on my day off and sat in my car with a letter of resignation for a long time. I was sweaty and anxious. I got out of the car and asked to speak to my flat boss and explained myself. Two more weeks and then I was free. It's an odd accomplishment but it's worth being noted. It helped me determine what environment I don't want to be in.

I'm sure there's more...but I fear being late for my pedicure with my mom.

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