selfie nation

Don't hate. Goodbye 2013, not sure I'll miss you.

The first 3 words were your spelling errors, the last grammatically/poetically incorrect lines are my own

transcend expensive fantasies
but indulge
every now and a why the fuck not

Maybe it's the ultimate excuse

And I'm making lazy seem poetic.

Apathy is sitting on my ambition

Until or if it moves again.

I do care though,

Passive aggressively.

Maybe

Subconsciously,

I don't want it to end.

A pressed flower in a book.

I never finish things

And maybe that's why.

School, thoughts, books, 

essays,

tasks, work outs, 

relationships, 

this

I think it's fitting that I was born in December. A fire sign born in the rain. Conflicted. Warm. Cold. Dramatic.

          Out of nowhere I feel my heart drop to the floor.
          You really hurt me sometimes & hurt 
          is the simplest word for that.
          A picture frame of what I thought            
          falls & breaks
          & I can replace what was there
          but there's always a mess to clean up
          & some messes take longer than others
          & sometimes I want to hide & forget.
          I could probably get drunk,
          which is likely at some point;
          I'll send my poisonous friend
          down the maze to my stomach
          to escape the one in my head.
          I could just sip & forget
          then come home & remember
          & maybe drink some more
          but that doesn't sweep it off the floor.
          Ever since I was a little girl 
          with thoughts to be thought,
          I've dreamed of loving you,
          but I know that means 
          loving your messes too.
          Even in those moments riddled with uncertainty,
          those moods that scrape at my patience
          & tell me I just can't deal with you today,
          I just can't.
          Days when the fire inside me 
          is catching on other people's curtains
          & I'm blaming them for how it started
          or when it feels like there's no fire at all,
          & I'm looking,looking for something
          that I'm not even sure is lost.
          Some days it feels like we're all wrong-
          but I will always be in love with you,life,
          because we belong 
          together.

I want to stay sharp and fit.
To read books and run miles,
To create new colors and titles.
I want to have more than want-
I think that's called ambition.
What excuses are stopping me-
That I'll bite off more than I can chew?
But better that than starving for a taste.

this goes with the last post duh

I don't care if it makes me seem crazy. Sometimes in the most stressful times I would just scream in my car. I would scream as loud as I could, driving on the freeway. I wonder if anyone heard me. I have a mean scream. I'm considering sending it to horror movies. It's piercing and high with pain. It's jagged and awful. It scrapes every last bit of tar off of my ribs and vibrates out of my throat like some cactus-y jerk. Imagine it. Imagine doing that. Don't you feel better?

Meditation.
That sounds nice.
That doesn't "sound" like anything actually.
Deep in breath,
in feeling,
in that particular second.
Free from the commercials of thoughts.
Free from interpretation
Free from whatever is holding you.
That seems like the clearer path
it sounds like who I could be-
but I prefer to scream.

If you don't know how to be alone then I feel sorry for you. If you don't know how to be with someone else then I feel sorry for you. If you don't know how to feel sorry then that's just sorry in itself. It's not weak to feel defeat. It's weak to think you never have...