Some nights when my mind is not calm,

I can't cut off the tentacles of negativity

or make laughter ring from my lonely heart.

I feel the need for someone,

To be distracted from my thoughts,

But on some nights my thoughts need me,

& I let them have me,

Let them unfurl like smoke,

Like ferns,

Like tongues.

I let them curve into questions

& I don't always feel answers,

But I feel something,

Connected to my own interpreted universe,

My version of now,

& I think about everything that I perceive to be everything.

I just sit

& try to let my mind ride freely,

A moment away from the traffic of routine,

Away from the labels people are supposed to give me,

The clutter of what others have said to me,

The mindless letters & numbers,

& this sort of boring normalcy

That's only craved when your world is in chaos.

On these nights my escape is in my own head

& though I make no sound, I am not quiet.

My mind & heart operate me,

My love and curiosity animate me.

I thank my subconscious thoughts

for singing to people who understand,

Those in this life

Who have heard my heart beat,

Who have put their ear to my chest

& wanted to know what makes me alive.

You left so easily.

You kept a straight face

While I fell apart in the doorway.

I cast an invisible force field

That shook with my eyes and my words.

You didn't sound or look anything like this,

So anger took over me.

I threw your things,

Threw the last of you I could hold.

The words balled up in me

& I threw them against your back.

I shoved you as hard as I could think of

& you fell over

& told me I was fuckin' nuts

As you had a right to do...

Because I had to be as explosive 

As when we first came together!

However way you wanna read that.

But even if they were throwing things-

My arms were still open. 

I remembered you randomly today,

& thought about that one date.

You took me to a low-lit, 

cool-cocktail-named,

nothing less than $15 place

& talked about mixology

& I didn't care.

I thought it was cool that you had a tattoo

but also thought it was kind of a shitty tattoo.

You smoked 10, 000 cigarettes

& I felt mildly poisoned.

I always thought you were cute in highschool

& told you that years later on facebook.

I was caught in your social web

& decided to add another dimension

& meet in person.

So we did & we went to a few bars.

In the middle of one of them

you said: "Kiss me right now."

So I did

& we were a movie in the middle of mediocrity 

for just a memory of a moment.

Even a girl came up & said: "Y'all cant be kissing like that in front of all of us single people!"

But I started laughing and told her it was our first kiss

& she said "Damn! Really?!"

Because I knew, 

& I guess everyone else knew, that looked good.

So we give that kiss room to escalate,

We go back to your place.

I know it's fast but there I am,

looking at your tv show collection naked

& judging your choices

Game of Thrones, not bad,

back to pretend sleeping in this new environment.

Then there's some romantic morning boner

& you walk me out

& call me dude

& give me a poor excuse for a hug 

while my wincing face is on the other side of your shoulder.

I laugh and shake it off as soon as my car key turns

& only think of you 

when you come up as a dumb anecdote.