Draft

I hang so much on moments-

so when it hurts they're heavier. 

I remember cleaning cobwebs from the corners of the house,

standing up on a chair,

a new perspective there,

& you looking up at me,

smiling meaningfully,

at least to me,

& you said: "We're living together."

Your grin stretched deeper

& I could ride those seconds 

for a lifetime if you let me!

but 

I played it cool 

even though

inside I was like a piñata full of glitter

bursting with obnoxious love!

exploding into absurd metaphors!

I was yours.  

Now I'm arrested by the triggers of the past;

by a time taken off the shelf 

to hold & look at 

& then put back.

I have a self destructive troll in my head

who smashes all the shit I'm supposed to do.

It says:

"Oh yeah go ahead, 

send that crazy message,

tell him how you really feel! 

Let your emails, real mails,

garbage, dishes, laundry

thoughts, wishes,

debt

pile up.

Beat yourself up with your own attitude 

then let me pick my teeth 

with the sticks & stones I throw at you.

Keep imagining me as a beast

fighting your dreams 

rather than yourself."

Maybe you'll wonder about me;

     if my laughter sings the same way,

     if I can still pull you tight inside,

if I changed my style

    or who I sleep beside. 

Maybe I'm in a place 

     where you can't reach me

     physically or mentally.

I'm a dream from the past, 

feelings that ask to come back, 

     like the fire in our eyes 

that makes the cold easier to face. 

But it was always me holding you;

      your back to my embrace, 

always my ear to your chest 

      listening inside,

making sure you were alright,

fighting your anxiety instead of mine,

      so I had to leave 

& you have to wonder. 

I'm avoiding myself so much lately 

it's like I'm being my own ex boyfriend,

it's like I want all the benefits of sex

but with a disconnect.

I can pretend I'm there

but my mind slips into the cracks of the Internet.

My fingers swipe left & right faster than my legs.

My face but not my brain is illuminated.

I am lost in 

my own fantasies, 

my couch,

my doubt. 

I don't see what's in front of me;

another dimension of intentions

waiting for active players 

all abandoning their apps, games, & chat 

looking up & into the eyes of reality.