If you go back, you choose death. If not a physical one, a mental one. You are darkening the light you have inside you. You are choosing someone who wants to keep whatever light you have left & hide it from others. If you feel that no one else will ever love you, then you prevent it from happening because of your own mental manifestations. You are beautiful. You are deserving. You are worthy. You are in a dark place, but you don't have to stay there. I think you have forgotten how to love yourself & ultimately that's all up to you, but there are people who will help you remember. I know passion is seductive, anger too even. Tears and pain and cum. shouting and grabbing and fucking. But nothing compares to the affection of arms wrapping around you in an attempt to quiet your shaking heart. Love is not supposed to break your bones & spirit. Love can't be bound to physical actions. It's true that pain & love are not separate, but there shouldn't be a constant struggle between the two. Please don't think that this is all there is for you. You are deeper than this. You are too wonderful to cover up. I hope one day you'll cry because you're so happy & overwhelmed with love & not pain.