Friday, April 13, 2012

off my chest

I'm hungry, but I don't want to eat anything before bed. I feel like it would just sink in my stomach and I'd wake up feeling dissatisfied with my body. but so what? maybe better that than facing dissatisfaction with myself. I'm caring more about my appearance than my education. I'm saving up money and being selfish. I know I'm compassionate and understanding. I've seen many sides to things. My perspective is not narrow, but perhaps it should be more so in certain contexts. What I mean is, sometimes I wish I was more judgmental of myself morally as opposed to physically. It's great that I like to run now, but it feels like vanity is the major reason. I don't think I'm healthy, in maybe more ways than one. I run and I try to stay trim but I eat pizza and cheeseburgers more than a handful of times a month. I dye my hair and wear makeup constantly. I don't floss or stretch. I don't put on sunscreen. In fact, I strive to be burnt because then it'll turn into a tan. I drink horrendous amounts of diet cola. I use artificial sweeteners whenever possible. I text and drive. I stay up too late & burn myself out. I drink to the point of forgetting. I speed. I'm reckless. It's a wonder I'm even still alive when I think about some of my choices. I suppose this is what your 20's are for. and in some mental dustpin in my mind somewhere there is the phrase "Take care of yourself" that I keep brushing away and while it goes away temporarily there is still that motherfucking line that dustpins like to leave behind & then the dust just collects again anyway so it really seems like a waste of time......but then again if you let dust collect it will be overwhelming, stifling, all around you, all you can see. This makes me think of how I just let things pile up on top of each other. I lose focus and ambition and my delay just adds another dirty dish to the sink.
Then I think about your apartment and how depressing it is. It smells, it's dark and musty and probably sticky in certain areas. I don't remember what the carpet looked like in your living room anymore. There are stains that have their own personalities. The kitchen is a jungle of fungus, exceeding its expiration date in all kinds of ways. Silverware remains useless in a dishwasher that has not been opened in a long time. Who needs to wash dishes when you can just use plastic & throw it away? and who needs to throw things away when you can just lay it right there on the floor. Just pick it up later. Take out the trash later. Later. It depresses me to see where you live like this. Maybe it does because I see so much of myself in you and you see so much of yourself in me...I remember a time in San Jose when my room was disgusting. It wasn't quite as devastating as your apartment, but it could have gotten there. I was depressed. My room right now isn't exactly spotless either, but once it starts to lean toward the crazy side I make a point to fix it. I don't know if I can help you fix "It", whatever "it" is...but I know something is amiss in your mind. I'm not saying I don't have issues either, but I don't see how you can't see that something is wrong about your environment. I worry for your health. but here I am saying this to you after saying it to myself. and then I get scared again because there are so many parallels between us. You said youre moving in a month or so, and I can only hope you will start fresh there. You will leave all the garbage behind, empty out the trash in your new place, make a new state. You've helped me in times where I've felt very sick mentally & I only hope that this time you will be able to help yourself. It hurts to see people pulling away from you, myself included. I love you and I hope that someday this will just be something of the past. I hope you will be surrounded by beautiful things and love because that's what you deserve, not stale tobacco air and rotting food.
We deserve to be healthy....mentally and physically.
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