Thursday, April 12, 2012
Yesterday I called you intending to leave a frustrated message on your voicemail, but my plan failed because you picked up the phone. As soon as I heard your voice, all the bad feelings melted away and I realized how much I missed you. I was ready to be defensive. Ready to be stubborn & annoyed. I almost put off calling you for awhile too. Maybe the universe wanted us to reconnect again because it knows that we have too much love to give, rather than being fussy bitches. Maybe I'm thinking too cosmically, but it felt good for my voice to bounce back off of your voice. We hadn't talked in awhile, and I felt like part of that was because there's so much to say. Even after talking for awhile I still felt I had so much more to say, but it was just nice to make you laugh again. Why do I have such a hard time communicating? It's not that I don't want these people in my life, it scares me to think about not having the people I love in my life, but picking up the phone is like this dumb challenge I create for myself. Just say hello. Just talk. Speak! The people in my life and who have stayed in my life know this about me. I see how it frustrates them. I've heard my closest friends talk about how I'm awful at reaching out sometimes. I've had so much love & acceptance in my life that I don't understand why this self made barrier exists. I do know that I will cry and wring out my heart from time to time, so if I appear cold or indifferent it's not me, it might be me in that moment, but that's not me. I may not handle things very eloquently, but my love is deep. Passive aggressive, but deep.