Sunday, December 23, 2012
I feel when someone doesn't really like me-or maybe in some cases I'm just paranoid & weird because I tend to be like that. I feel a need to make this person like me even if I don't like them. Even if I really don't like them. I think I fight this urge on the outside because I want to seem cool. On the inside I'm still a little girl-like back when my mom used to make my clothes for me. I was happy to wear them, they had really cute patterns, fabric, & daring styles. There was a top she made for me with a sort of open back, like an H shape & I rocked it like I rocked my Mickey Mouse lunch box. I remember sitting by myself & a couple of older girls came up to me & one of them asked why my back was showing & why I was wearing something so weird. Well I hadn't really thought about it that way. Now I'm thinking about it that way. Oh my god do I look weird? Suddenly I'm very self conscious about my back. Should I put on my jacket? Then I just thought to myself, "Those bitches," but in my first grade mind it was probably "Those girls are mean. I like my clothes." That's one of those kind of sad moments when you start to give a fuck about what people think but then you comfort yourself into thinking it doesn't matter. As you get older the insults get more complex. At least with young children they're assholes outright. When I was a little bit older I remember meeting this girl Katie, who was richer than any of us children could understand or imagine. She made me feel less than wonderful, but she wasn't exactly straight up mean to me. She threw a big birthday party in her big pool in her big house & there was a big list of people invited & I wasn't on it. It seemed like the whole class was invited, even my dad heard about this party. I told him I didn't think I was invited & he said "Oh come on, sure you are! There are so many people going!" Thanks for believing in me dad, really. He assumed I was invited so he took me over there. I gawked at the size of everything like everyone else. As I was still taking in the sight of her "house," Katie came up to me & immediately said "Oh. I didnt invite you. But it's okay 'cause you're funny." What a complimentary bitch. I love to make people laugh though, even bitches. Humor gets me into big houses & pools. Humor gets me through a day that otherwise would have slapped me in the face or insulted my clothes.