Monday, February 4, 2013

The first time we met was at a mutual friend's party. Actually, it was to celebrate both of your birthdays that happened to be in the same month. I mostly met your friends and not you. There were hot dogs and red cups floating everywhere. There was loud music and weed smoke and hula hoops, people spinning fire, and smores. Blaine was in Kansas and we broke up shortly before this. Well fuck that, I was going to enjoy a party. And I did. I went home, alone, but content with the thought of new friends. The next time I met you, I saw you standing outside of Ryan's house on the 4th of July and you were crying. Me and a group of friends (you know which ones) were packed into a car and ready to get drunk and watch things blow up just as the founding fathers dreamed of. We were ready to get into party mode, but I saw tears and thought "uh-oh." You had a sweet face but I guess I imagined you to be like one of those drunk bitches who ends up getting upset and then her angry words turn into salty streams down her face and the whole vibe goes down the drain. I couldn't remember your name, it was just "crying girl." So we stayed for about 5 minutes and then packed ourselves into a car again and I took a drug I had never taken and the night became blurred with brilliant colors and strange conversations and memories.

After that I went on facebook and you sent me a chat message saying hi. I was hesitant at first; I didn't know what you were about. As loving and affectionate as I can be, it takes awhile for me to open up, to feel comfortable to reach out and touch. You explained what an awful night that was and then we just started talking about random things. I love when people say hi to me and seem genuinely interested in starting a conversation, but the awkward side of me sort of delays this or avoids this in some way. The harsher side of me just sees this as a one time thing and even though people say they wanna hang out, the effort of making this happen often falls short. But I said "hi" back, because why not? No harm in small chat. I started to see you more though, and although, I still felt somewhat distant from you because we hadn't gotten to know each other very well, I felt a connection.

 My first impressions of you and the image of "the crying girl" began to dissolve. I liked you because you were upfront and honest, you weren't afraid to express yourself even if it meant showing vulnerability. We liked the same music, we liked to drink. We liked to be loud and dance. Now these are all the makings of a fun friendship but over time I learned how thoughtful you could be. I was sad for awhile and I think I clouded my thoughts with parties and dumb stories, and yeah, I know I threw up on your couch and I've been a mess for you to take care of sometimes, but through this haze I saw that you weren't just someone to drink with, you were someone to talk to. I know I've climbed into my cave and shut you out before, but you were always one of the few people who understood me for doing this. You know I don't like it when you don't want to talk to anyone either, but I know we'll always meet up again. I began to tell you more about myself, and slowly let myself spill out. I was like this as a child, I like this now, I want this, I hate this, oh let's do this, have you heard this? would you like to?  I told you more because I began to know you more and this meant, to love you more. I wanted to make you laugh. I mean I always want to make people laugh, but I genuinely enjoy it more if I love someone. It's almost been five years now and I just wanted to thank you. I know you'll read this (that's another reason I love you), I feel like you really hear me. You aren't just waiting to speak again, you're listening. You know me (not the easiest thing to do) and you love me too. Here's to you dear friend, and many years to come.
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