Settling down,

It sounds like you're stabling the wild stead of my youth away.

I want to settle up.

I want to raise the bar graph of my personal growth.

I want to be a better person to myself,

Before anyone else.

I want to make sure

You're as sure about me

As I am about myself.

1987

Slow & steady wins the race,
say all the tortoises of the world.
I find it funny & strangely perfect
that I was born in the year of the rabbit.
Hoppin' around,
        feelin' it out,
curious & fidgety,
        fuckin' like one,
not thinking ahead,
getting beaten by deadlines
& stupid things,
        losing track of time,
sleeping through responsibilities,
        living in a fantasy world,
but awww it's so silly & cute!

.Laura Curren.

but this instead

I left Kaelin's at 12. I thought I would go to sleep when I got home right away. I stayed up until 6 am instead. Doing...what? Looking through forums to relate. Looking for music nonstop. Listening to the Wale station on pandora and trying to write out my thoughts. Putting together a playlist to beat my muscles up to. I'm doing pretty good. Tired, but good. I think about you a lot less but you still show up.

I was making a quesadilla and noticed one of the pictures from my fridge randomly fell off. My brother as a baby looking absofuckinglutely delighted that he's holding a baby chick and my mom equally as excited by his reaction. I look under and between all kitchen crevices and can't find it. I look for other pictures to put up and find the folded piece of paper with your number on it and the valentine you made for me. I knew those were in there but it was a pandora's box of sorts for me to open (droppin the pandora word again). I unfolded the paper and looked at your number and how you wrote your name and I held it there. I thought about saying things. My self esteem says no thank you but my heart says not to close the door. Sometimes I feel like I leave too many doors or small windows of forgiveness and hope open though and this means that they (lovers, suitors, douches, gentleman callers) all come when I'm not ready. Isn't that always the case? Maybe not. Eventually. I've heard more than once people tell me it's the idea of love I'm in love with. That idea looked pretty good on you though.

So while I'm looking through all this, sorting physically and mentally, I start to smell burning. Fuck! The top half of my quesadilla is burnt as shit. A black crispy frisbee. I spatula off this plagued top of the quesadilla and fold over the still decent bottom half. Oh well. Solve and make due. Move on. Not what I thought but still alright. The next quesadilla will be bettter riiiiiight? God it's annoying how often I think in metaphors.

You put this song on my CD

and I hate that I like it so much

rough draft. dont judge me-but its out there just like me

I'm tired of sharing my body and heart
& waiting for a response,
Tired of waiting turning into apathy,

Tired of showing my whole world 

& being given a piece.

Tired of past feelings telling me differently.

Tired of fucking up good boys with good hearts

with my issues.

Tired of being the girl who got away

When I just want to be here-

& there, in the moment.

Maybe that's my problem;

I'm so in the moment, 

I don't think about the next possible ones.

I'm the impulsive fuck,

but damn, it feels good.

I'm shallow with options,
looking for deeper depths,
but haven't found them yet.
Tired of thinking I have
& watching my wishes blow away.
I'm tired of being so expressive to bricks,
to nothing, that's it.
"I don't talk, I don't do that."
Memories cut me up at random times.
Don't unhinge my smile when its starting to work again.
Don't say I'll see you around
When that's the first and last thing I want.
Don't tell me you cant be who you were.
You're still you,
However nicely framed you were,
This is you now,
& you cant hold the picture,
You can't stay.

I've thought about

sending you this message:

Hey, I'm your friend. I hope you're doing alright. 

but I just can't.

the feelings fade everyday, which relieve and scare me if I'm honest

fading away, but I remember

I thought I wanted someone just like me,
but I want someone who communicates well,

ouch....did I just insult myself? Kinda.

Maybe the older version of me...

the better version of me that makes me want to be better

but then a voice says "you have to do that all by yourself"

shit

me, unfinished

I just wrote this and it seems like an obnoxiously honest dating profile or something..


I definitely can be expressive if I want to be.
My hands and eyes will dance and I'll really tell you a story.
That being said, sometimes I think of my love as this kind of story.
Maybe I get too caught up sometimes, maybe I make the mood more dramatic than it needs to be...but it is a memorable experience. It paints a picture, and hopefully we see the same one with our own perspectives.

I know I have my issues.
I know they might be hard to love too, but you have to if you want all of me. Whether I like to admit it to myself or not, I can tell when youve given up. You'll know when I know too because my touch will lose dimension. I will feel flat. I won't touch you like we have a future, like we have something between us more than this moment. If weve established between the both of us that's it's just a physical thing, yeah ill still be passionate, but nothing like with the promise of trust.

I know I hide behind makeup; I'm scared to be that completely vulnerable with someone.
So when or if you do see me without my painted armor, know that I must think youre really something special.
I have a drinking problem. I love to drink but after a certain point drinking doesnt love me anymore. Drinking makes me wake up confused and feeling stupid. Enough.

I fall too quickly and hard sometimes. I get stars in my eyes and then theyre plucked away from my sight. I am dramatic, if you couldn't tell. And impulsive. It hurts and teaches my heart.

I love words. Ironically I can be painfully bad with communication.
I act like I'm tough, but I'm sensitive as fuck sometimes (trying to be tough by saying fuck).
I get lost in my own head and fall off a social cliff.
I want the messages though, even if I'm not replying.

I have fucked up. A lot. I've made many mistakes. Some have really cut into me, but it has/is shaping me. I have been badly hurt and I have badly hurt someone. I'm not proud of it but I am thankful for what I've learned.

I have been and can be very selfish.
I do get jealous. I will try to play it cool unless you push my dont you dare buttons.
I can be/have been very hypocritical...but who hasn't been really. Understanding comes through experiences.
I pick up on people's moods like an emotional sponge. I feel weighed down by it sometimes. When I'm with someone, I crave their emotions. I want to attract the positive ones.
I can be extremely hard on myself. There could be a mental civil war happening.
I'm not above pouting. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it's so easy to tell when I'm not pleased.

Sometimes I rely on sex too much as a validation of the relationship's health or myself. Sometimes sex is the only way I know how to express my love.
I think about things too much. This is good and bad.
I also avoid things. Like crazy. But....I have some panicked realization of this later on and try to ask for forgiveness from others and myself.
I know when you invest in someone it's like this fun exciting vacation at first, but along with it comes a visit to the baggage claim. If you accept and go along with the trip after this then maybe it'll even eventually become your home...

I love to laugh at silly things like puns. I love to make other people laugh more. I love somebody with a great sense of humor.
Somebody with an undeniable glow and magnetism. A passion for life.
I love somebody who loves me
and I say to this person:

'll be your endless puzzle if you'll be my endless puzzle. Some days we might wonder how this all works out in the larger picture...but our pieces will just seem to fit. 

I'll make you feel beautiful if you make me feel beautiful. At least I will try depending on how deep your scars are.
Connect my dots and punctuate them into exclamation points of passion.
I have a vast view over the walls I've built. Hang in there...I'll try to make it worth the climb. 

I want to always keep learning whether it is from a book or from people, I want to study the world. People mostly. People terrify and fascinate me.

I am so scared of getting my heart broken again but I'm loving and understanding myself more each day; my own heart is becoming more of a priority. Some days I'm exhausted of myself though and I wonder how anyone could put up with me.
My love is deep. You will sink if we don't talk.

Some people might see my arms as empty, carrying nothing, but they are open.
I will give you the best hugs. My smile will radiate and cut through the crowd to reach you across the room if you let me love you.
I will try to make mundane things seem like an adventure.
If I believe in your attitude, I will believe in you.
There is wisdom in admitting you don't really know anything. But hey, be smart. I'm not hanging around if youre not willing to really think about things.

Special, wanted, trusted, loved, happy. Lets keep those feelings.

and....I'm done..

for now

Oh. All I can do is rattle out a sigh. The timing of things...I remember you saying that in bed next to me and slap a palm to your forehead. Now I'm doing the same in my bed alone. How absolutely, heartbreakingly, disappointing. It's hard for me to want to trust my excitement. I feel like I have all these love skeletons and they are just coming out all at once. Here's all my bullshit. Here's me thinking it's more than it is, again. I'm so sad. This post sucks. It's for me though. Just me.

Last night I was stretching on the floor
Stretching muscles and thoughts
And I saw a spider planted in the carpet.
I don't usually kill them...but this one frightened me a little.
It wasn't like one I've seen; a rotund spotted body with dainty legs and I had the thought to crush it. Smash it into off white fiber and see those 8 limbs splayed in a smushed pile.
I had the thought to get rid if it because I was unsure of its intentions, which could be poisonous.
But it seemed so easy to calculate and crush, so I stopped myself.
I watched the tiny legs twitch and adjust to a fluffy terrain and it felt like I was capturing something else. I let it go, I let it be.

We are fun people who are kinda hard to get to know
Even though we are open in all sorts of ways, there are parts we may never show
And you may leave feeling like you never knew at all
This version of a person is not what you remembered
Or choose to remember
But when the passion is genuine
When those looks could light matches
Disastrous or promising
It is fiery
All consuming

When I look back at my positive post on the 27th (which isnt when actually wrote that, it was a few days before), I just feel stupid. I didn't know what was really going on. You wouldn't tell me. You would talk to me and not really say anything. It seemed like you didn't want to talk. I was right. I saw you and it was fucking wonderful. It was great. It reminded me of what I want. How I should feel when I'm with someone. and then....the morning brought reality and you left when I was no longer being a happy distraction. I don't know what to do. I guess there is no doing. There is waiting. There is hoping. There is pulling back. I think you're worth it. but your head is not in that place. It is far away. I hope you think of me when it returns.