Friday, April 11, 2014

me, unfinished

I just wrote this and it seems like an obnoxiously honest dating profile or something..


I definitely can be expressive if I want to be.
My hands and eyes will dance and I'll really tell you a story.
That being said, sometimes I think of my love as this kind of story.
Maybe I get too caught up sometimes, maybe I make the mood more dramatic than it needs to be...but it is a memorable experience. It paints a picture, and hopefully we see the same one with our own perspectives.

I know I have my issues.
I know they might be hard to love too, but you have to if you want all of me. Whether I like to admit it to myself or not, I can tell when youve given up. You'll know when I know too because my touch will lose dimension. I will feel flat. I won't touch you like we have a future, like we have something between us more than this moment. If weve established between the both of us that's it's just a physical thing, yeah ill still be passionate, but nothing like with the promise of trust.

I know I hide behind makeup; I'm scared to be that completely vulnerable with someone.
So when or if you do see me without my painted armor, know that I must think youre really something special.
I have a drinking problem. I love to drink but after a certain point drinking doesnt love me anymore. Drinking makes me wake up confused and feeling stupid. Enough.

I fall too quickly and hard sometimes. I get stars in my eyes and then theyre plucked away from my sight. I am dramatic, if you couldn't tell. And impulsive. It hurts and teaches my heart.

I love words. Ironically I can be painfully bad with communication.
I act like I'm tough, but I'm sensitive as fuck sometimes (trying to be tough by saying fuck).
I get lost in my own head and fall off a social cliff.
I want the messages though, even if I'm not replying.

I have fucked up. A lot. I've made many mistakes. Some have really cut into me, but it has/is shaping me. I have been badly hurt and I have badly hurt someone. I'm not proud of it but I am thankful for what I've learned.

I have been and can be very selfish.
I do get jealous. I will try to play it cool unless you push my dont you dare buttons.
I can be/have been very hypocritical...but who hasn't been really. Understanding comes through experiences.
I pick up on people's moods like an emotional sponge. I feel weighed down by it sometimes. When I'm with someone, I crave their emotions. I want to attract the positive ones.
I can be extremely hard on myself. There could be a mental civil war happening.
I'm not above pouting. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it's so easy to tell when I'm not pleased.

Sometimes I rely on sex too much as a validation of the relationship's health or myself. Sometimes sex is the only way I know how to express my love.
I think about things too much. This is good and bad.
I also avoid things. Like crazy. But....I have some panicked realization of this later on and try to ask for forgiveness from others and myself.
I know when you invest in someone it's like this fun exciting vacation at first, but along with it comes a visit to the baggage claim. If you accept and go along with the trip after this then maybe it'll even eventually become your home...

I love to laugh at silly things like puns. I love to make other people laugh more. I love somebody with a great sense of humor.
Somebody with an undeniable glow and magnetism. A passion for life.
I love somebody who loves me
and I say to this person:
'll be your endless puzzle if you'll be my endless puzzle. Some days we might wonder how this all works out in the larger picture...but our pieces will just seem to fit. 
I'll make you feel beautiful if you make me feel beautiful. At least I will try depending on how deep your scars are.
Connect my dots and punctuate them into exclamation points of passion.
I have a vast view over the walls I've built. Hang in there...I'll try to make it worth the climb. 

I want to always keep learning whether it is from a book or from people, I want to study the world. People mostly. People terrify and fascinate me.

I am so scared of getting my heart broken again but I'm loving and understanding myself more each day; my own heart is becoming more of a priority. Some days I'm exhausted of myself though and I wonder how anyone could put up with me.
My love is deep. You will sink if we don't talk.

Some people might see my arms as empty, carrying nothing, but they are open.
I will give you the best hugs. My smile will radiate and cut through the crowd to reach you across the room if you let me love you.
I will try to make mundane things seem like an adventure.
If I believe in your attitude, I will believe in you.
There is wisdom in admitting you don't really know anything. But hey, be smart. I'm not hanging around if youre not willing to really think about things.

Special, wanted, trusted, loved, happy. Lets keep those feelings.

and....I'm done..

for now




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