love without pain isnt really romance

“Don't make waves”
fuck that
make oceans
make fires
chaos created the dinosaurs
and shit went down in Jurassic Park.
The Lazy River is nice
but wouldnt you rather be shot from a tube?
Wouldnt you rather sit in the front rows
so a whale
can splash appreciation
all over your dry?
Wouldnt you rather
not listen to your mother
and let your mistakes slap you in the face,
wave after wonderful wave of them

spring in the air

Such a tiny flower!
I wanted to pluck you up
marvel at your compact wonder
place you on my fingertip
but,
I want to see you grow,
not in my world,
but your own.
I want to love you as tall as you stand,
not cut by my hand.
I love you for what you are,
not as a trinket or a token.
I love you more than the ground can hold
I love you more than metaphors

trust

im in knots. what do i expect? everything and nothing. my palms are sweaty and we dont meet for a few hours. i want to be calm and cool. i have a feeling tho that when i see you i wont be able to help but smile. do i still put that spell on you like you said so long ago? i think we like this. these dramatic gestures. we would like to say we like to make it easy and simple, but thats just not who we are. i think you know. i think i know. i dont think actually. i feel. i feel vast. i feel low. i feel overwhelmed with what i want. i feel your eyes and skin before they brush over me. i feel my fears. i feel my nerves squeezing my heart. trust your gut, well my gut is a little tied up at the moment so what do i trust? do i trust my love for you?

open the door, walk right on in

i can't sum it all up. it can't be summed. but parts that really stick out....friday i was exhausted..we all lost each other in the overwhelming waves of people and the dark. but i heard fever ray performing "Im Not Done" and ran towards it. I ran! it felt good, running in the warm night towards something i couldn't wait to hear, something i was so excited about. it was like she was calling me to that stage. i ran and i slipped into the crowd as close as i could get. it was worth every sweaty push to the front. she painted her face all white with dripping black tears. she wore a long black dress that she lifted her draped arms out from like a powerful statue. she sang just as i imagined. creepily amazing. the set, the costumes, the light show, all of it- blew my mind. i was alone. dancing my heart out. i was happy.
and the next day when we did shrooms i was enjoying myself, but quiet, until we went into the air conditioned 5 gum tent (free gum and air conditioning) which i can only describe as like a big piece of moss. dark, cool, and damp grass ground. we lay there staring up at rippling tent ceiling and lights. but i thought of you and i started to cry. it came easily. i missed you so god damn much at that moment. all i kept thinking was "he would appreciate this so much." everything here. every show i wanted to see, i knew you would want to see too. i was terrified of the possibility of seeing you there, but at that moment i just wanted you to see what i was seeing, to enjoy the music like i knew you would, to be there. i felt every note, i danced without embarrassment. i wanted to tell you all about it, but i wanted you to be there. i dont know what the point of saying all this is. i guess its the same point as crying on shrooms in a dark and cool tent in the middle of the desert. its just a release. im just setting you and my hurt free.
it's not easy when you cross my mind

in music class i was getting goosebumps from the different pieces....the feelings in the sounds just making my skin alert and alive, mind and body stirring...but you, i wonder do you feel it? rather, do you let yourself feel it?...you're always making jokes. humor can be such a disguise. i think you know you're obnoxious and the teacher knows it too. but i see sly smiles as ways to shade the truths. maybe you wonder why people don't take you seriously? i'll take you seriously when you show me something serious, genuinely felt. i love to laugh, you know, and sometimes my best humor comes from pain...but if you would shut up once in awhile maybe you would see or feel it

i can be pretty cheesy, but i always mean well

I hear you on fighting fire with fire,
but what if
you loved fire with fire.
what if lovers heat up the dirt
with promises of fresh ideas.
what if two flames did not destroy,
they just blazed the atmosphere.
sure, birds might drop, things could get messy,
but chaos is hard to repress.
It crackles, ignites reflection,
and wipes the remains from a clean slate,
like love right?

a couple weeks ago wendi told me she had a dream that she, katrina and i were all hanging out and decided to venture to the freeway. except i got hit by a semi and was blown to pieces. she said that she and katrina didnt tell anyone because they thought the cops or someone else would figure it out.

don't wait until you burst.

tell me what you want, and what you see

tell me when it's dangerous out there, when you're weary of speeding trucks and people keeping their mouths shut in fear

piece me together, make me listen

call a search party when im nowhere to be found

love me when im a mess

tell me when im being dumb

because i dont notice this very green grass right in front of me

dont wait, dont wait

tell me when i should hold my tongue, but dont you dare do it for me

and dont you dare hold your own too much

be as expressive as bursting upon impact

so i dont know what smashed into me

tell me you love me more than concepts or interpretations of dreams

tell me you find peace with me here even when i might be in pieces

whoever you are

so comfortable its uncomfortable

I wake up with your legs wrapped around me,
fitting so wonderfully,
but you tell me it's too comfortable.
it's too comfortable
when you cradle me when I cry,
too comfortable when you spill out your life,
when you peel back your pride.
Don't leave your things here
because they might just stay.

some advice

you cant base feelings on a formula, andy
you dont just divide the months
and say you will feel like this after the approximate date
you dont say this hurts now but this is only valid until
what is this all supposed to equate to
what logic did you dissect this from
sometimes i question if youve ever been in love, andy


maybe i like staying up late at hair pulling hours
maybe procrastination is my company
tell that bitch misery i have a lover already
i do marvelous unnecessary things when time is not on my side
i notice things that pass you and your texts by
maybe its more of a rush to be in a rush
i resist lists, i create what wasnt asked of me
so i tell you to fuck off politely, andy.

Wednesday, Marching the Hate Machines into the Sun

yesterday in class i thought of you, and in my head i said "i wish you well and i wish you happiness, even if it means its without me ( i struggled with that part but couldnt deny that it just popped up) and that must mean i really do love you" i got this weird sensation all over my body after "saying" that.

it'll be okay. only a matter of time.

April

there are a lot of things to deal with. but its been busy, its been good. ive met some great people. trying to keep moving, no time to think. i try not to expect too much of anything. fuck you horoscope, you dont know me.

i almost cracked and messaged you the other day, but i remembered it's not my place to do so.

im planning trips, im saving up. im on my way, to where im not quite sure.