open the door, walk right on in

i can't sum it all up. it can't be summed. but parts that really stick out....friday i was exhausted..we all lost each other in the overwhelming waves of people and the dark. but i heard fever ray performing "Im Not Done" and ran towards it. I ran! it felt good, running in the warm night towards something i couldn't wait to hear, something i was so excited about. it was like she was calling me to that stage. i ran and i slipped into the crowd as close as i could get. it was worth every sweaty push to the front. she painted her face all white with dripping black tears. she wore a long black dress that she lifted her draped arms out from like a powerful statue. she sang just as i imagined. creepily amazing. the set, the costumes, the light show, all of it- blew my mind. i was alone. dancing my heart out. i was happy.
and the next day when we did shrooms i was enjoying myself, but quiet, until we went into the air conditioned 5 gum tent (free gum and air conditioning) which i can only describe as like a big piece of moss. dark, cool, and damp grass ground. we lay there staring up at rippling tent ceiling and lights. but i thought of you and i started to cry. it came easily. i missed you so god damn much at that moment. all i kept thinking was "he would appreciate this so much." everything here. every show i wanted to see, i knew you would want to see too. i was terrified of the possibility of seeing you there, but at that moment i just wanted you to see what i was seeing, to enjoy the music like i knew you would, to be there. i felt every note, i danced without embarrassment. i wanted to tell you all about it, but i wanted you to be there. i dont know what the point of saying all this is. i guess its the same point as crying on shrooms in a dark and cool tent in the middle of the desert. its just a release. im just setting you and my hurt free.
it's not easy when you cross my mind