Monday, May 7, 2012
You told me that I curled up into a ball right away once we were in your truck. When I got out of bed this morning, that's exactly the position I wanted to stay in for the rest of the day. Ball of shame. You said as soon as I stood up I threw up all over your shoes (flip flops) and that you held my hair back. Still like me? I didn't think I would get that drunk. I didn't think. I woke up sans purse, car, and a clue what had happened during the latter portion of my evening. I said aloud "I'm so tired of this." I am. I'm tired of the drinking and drug hangovers. The feeling of needing more, not having enough. Not being on "the same level." Using something to melt awkward boundaries. Swallowing bad decisions and spitting out inhibitions. I'm tired of having a pounding head, stupid bruises, lost possessions, apologies. I'm tired of trying to fill in blanks, being in a blur, not using all of my brain and balance. It's not like I do this every day or every weekend ("this" meaning getting obliterated fucked up) but I wonder if I'll ever be "over this." Its hard to think of a party or some weekend adventure/ trip without some kind of alcohol or drugs.