Wednesday, September 12, 2012

19 year old heart

My palms are sweaty because I can't believe it's you who is sitting beside me. This moment is a dream that I made happen.

A week ago I saw you and claimed you with my eyes, that's the one, I want THAT. That became a name and person I was sitting next to. I was meeting my mom to go grocery shopping, but thank god I was driving separately because it looked much cooler for me to see you the first time in the parking lot sans mom. You were wrangling shopping carts and putting them in their place. Well hello shopping cart cowboy you have some mighty dark and intense eyes from across this parking lot. And you knew I was looking, because you really looked back for an unnecessary length of time. Normally in the past I would have just turned red and averted my gaze out of a delighted bashfulness. But I felt sexy today. My makeup was carefully crafted, as was my tan, I wore little short shorts, and I was driving my car by myself looking so independent (to meet my mom to buy groceries...). I smirked a sexy smirk, a smirk that is telling of a moment of attraction. Hey I see you, I know you see me...let's see each other. So after I parked my car, I noticed the shopping carts were no longer a pressing matter and they remained frightened and lost by parked cars as you quickly ditched them to follow me inside.

But I had to meet up with my mom, oh yeah. My mom is the one who created me after all though, so we do share similar tastes. "Look at that guy, mom. The one with the dark hair and goatee."

"Ooohhhffff.!" Her face contorts and she wedges up her eyebrows as if to say "hot damn!"  "Oh!" she said to me in her animated sing song way. My mom becomes a 19 year old in this moment too as we see you around the store and giggle. So of course when we were done shopping we look to see which line you're bagging groceries in. "There he is!" we indicate to each other with our eyes and smiles. So we're about to move towards you, when the cashier next to us, yells "Next in line over here please!"

Wait, fuck! It's not like my mom and I can say "Oh no, were fine, we're just waiting for this sexy young man over here to bag our groceries." So we both kind of sigh, and move to this other, much less attractive line.  But then! Just as you ditched the shopping carts in the parking ditch your line! Probably not the best work ethic, but you're coming over to me! You want to put my lettuce and milk in a bag! You look really good doing it too. Commence silly smiling again from me and my mom. So now were standing there and you're bagging and looking up from those pretty, thick, lashes and huge hazel eyes. I bite my lip. I bite it because I'm wrestling it from curling up into a stupid grin. For once, I'm glad my mom starts to talk a lot. "Do you like working here?" and then I hear your voice and I decide I like it. I would like this voice to say things to me. You're talking to my mom and looking at me. My mom then strategically leaves because she "forgot something." But oh, the cashier scans a bottle of wine, and um, I look pretty 19 I guess. Shit. I have to call out to my mom to come back. Well now you know I'm not over 21. Feeling less cool, but still kinda hot because you keep looking at me.

So my mom asks about getting me a job there and you (lie and) say it's fun because later on you tell me you just said that so I'd work there. She chit chats you up and down and I look at you up and down. As the last items are being bagged, there is a longing look exchanged but no words because I think either one of us are wondering if these small collected moments within the last 30 minutes are worth pinning down into another possible moment. We both just kind of hold our breath. As I walk away, I look over my shoulder, just one more time at you, and your long eyelashes catch this. You mention later that this was a telling moment for you, had I not done this, you would have remained uncertain. Then I walk away. A little skip in my step and heart.

I felt something here. I felt a produce aisle connection. I think in most of these situations people are supposed to kind of store it in the small private moments vault of their mind, but I was tired of being so patient with people. I had been shy for so long and the last boy I was with pulled on my patience so much that I forgot that love could be fun. So I went a little out of my way. I posted a missed connections for you on craigslist. Hah! It was silly, but I thought why not? You probably won't even see it. And what then? I was just putting it out there. Take from it what you will craigslist universe.

I received an email response back not from you oddly enough, but from a coworker. My Guess Who way of describing you had worked. This 40 something lonely coworker who made it a nighty habit of scrolling through missed connections, I would assume in the hopes that someone would miss him, found my post that described the grocery store meeting of eyes. I was shocked. He said he thought he knew who I was talking about and would tell him the next day. Ummm...okay! Imagine having some moment like this and then your random coworker a couple days later coming up to you and reminding you of the incident because it was published in a small corner of the internet in the hopes that it could be relived again. So then the lonely coworker responded to me again, just to make sure I had the right young man, and it was a tennis match email exchange until I was given my shopping cart cowboy's Myspace information. (remember myspace?)

As if I wasn't stalking you enough, I found your myspace and looked at your pictures and felt undeniable tangles of excitement inside. I clicked to send you a message. "Hi." is all I said.

You replied shortly after. "Hi? That's it? Haha. How's my little stalker? You know I don't usually do this, but if you want to hang out sometime, here's my number."
This is when I got up and let my body be excited and did a victory dance.  Then I texted you, cuz yeah, I got your number. You were impressed and surprised, romanced by my internet gestures. We met later that night. You told me you usually wait to kiss someone, but let's be honest, this encounter could make an exception. We drove to a pretty night view of all the bay and its sparkling lights and you looked at me in such a way that smiled and said "I just can't get over this" and I couldnt either. Here we are. I made it happen, well you played a part too I suppose. We laughed at eachother, happy to be outside of a grocery store and out into a sparkling night, with a sparked blunt and a growing high. We went back to your apartment and you grabbed me and I let myself be grabbed. I folded into your chest. Our lips climbed the walls of passion. It felt poetic and fierce. Sweet too, with a bite. I had been waiting for something like this. It was all a surprise. We felt alive. It was a kiss you don't forget. It was one that felt of gratitude- thank you for finding me, thank you for being here! For lifting me from a sleepy summer. I really felt your arms around me, there was nothing weak about it. There was force and wanting and then a spreading ease. This is just what I want right now. You're just what I need right now. Fresh fire wrapped around each other. I left for home very late that night.

A few days later we would go out again. This song started playing in your car. It was the first time I had heard it.

It felt like a scene from a movie. I watched pictures speed by with golden hills melting behind me. My skin was hot from the sun earlier. I put my sweaty palms down against my tan legs and breathed in, full of 19 year old optimism and excitement.

I was high in all kinds of ways -the illegal kind, the lust kind, the youth kind. You were driving and I didn't have to worry about anything for the duration of this song. I am not controlling the speed of this machine I am sitting in, I have no control of this feeling sweeping over me. I'm smiling a smile that can be felt again when remembering this, oh but never the same, you know. My hair streaked behind me in the wind, leaving behind my hometown for the night, leaving behind my heavy hearted ex boyfriend to wonder, leaving behind insecurities little by little. You are driving fast. I am feeling fast.  Maybe we'll have sex tonight. This hot and sweet summer air has me drunk. You're old enough to buy me a drink if I want and if you want. and you do. This speed and this music and taste of smoke in my mouth has me feeling unbreakable. I feel so fucking cool. You seem so fucking cool. You have an apartment. You drive fast and buy me drinks. You kiss like ive always wanted to kiss. You open up a passion I thought I would not undress again for awhile. You are a reason, but I am the cause of this moment. My heart is free. I'm free to do whatever I want! I will remember this.

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