Tuesday, October 2, 2012

20 year old heart

        I was lonely in San Jose. Lost in my own apartment. Wanting to socialize but not wanting to socialize. I didn't like to cook, which meant I would rarely step out of my room. I didn't like to talk to my room mates. I wanted to make friends without having to make them. I just wanted them to be. Come find me, even though I'm isolating myself here in this stuffy third floor bedroom with my microwaved dinner. I took and still take so long to warm up to people unless there really is a chemistry to us. I wanted someone. I wanted something. Not the best circumstances for love, I understand, but hey, it happened. Since I do take awhile to "warm up", since I am shy and distant, I found you on the internet. Facebook is great for stalking people who you don't even know. I knew you weren't a closet internet monster because I saw we had the same friends. This was confirmed by pictures and comments and I was intrigued by those pictures and comments. I wasn't sure if I found you attractive at first, but I somehow kept ending up looking at your photo. It was so silly too because it wasn't even completely you, I mean it was a funny photo that one of our mutual friends had cropped your head onto. Even as a floating head I found you intriguing. Where does that head like to go, whats that head thinking inside of it? I sound crazy, and I am a little bit. I am fascinated by people. Yet scared of them all the same. So I friend requested you- the equivalent of sliding a hand onto one's thigh internetly speaking. I'm gonna try this and if you like this, you accept okay? Well you might accept and then ignore it, but let's see shall we? So I did. You accepted.

       One day I saw your name pop up in the facebook chat. Heeeyyyyy why not? We started talking. Months of loneliness had me brimmed with witty quips I needed to unload on someone. It was almost too much, but we ended up talking for a couple hours right away. It was fun! It ate up my time, and it was delicious. That sentence made me feel cheesy. I felt cheesy. Dont get too excited! I said in my head. Don't scare him away like the last guy. Well, that guy had issues, I tell myself. So every day I had something to look forward to, you in a little box. I looked at your pictures and your interests listed before me on a screen and I formed you in my mind. We kept talking, hours a day. Then we texted all throughout the day, yet I think we were both afraid to hear each others voice. So we never spoke but we definitely talked. Hmmm. Your birthday was coming up and we unofficially decided this was when we would meet because you were going to have a party with your friends and yes, I was invited too. It was a few weeks away and I was really excited. I got drunk at a party and texted you about how excited I was. I have a hard time holding back when I'm sober, let alone when I'm filled with an unfamiliar combination of artificial colors and liquors. You texted me back saying something like "Lets not get too ahead of ourselves, we don't want to get too excited." I felt like a drunk deflated balloon. Don't scare him away like the last guy. But you assured me you were happy to meet me too, just cautious.

      So it came to be the the week before your party and I was ready for it. It felt very far away. I was about to go out with a friend who had made it clear she wanted to be more than friends (Yeah, I said she) but I wanted to be with you, even though I hadn't even met you yet! I was waiting to get picked up and then I texted you half seriously and said "I just bought a lot of snacks, (can't remember what but lots of grape capri sun for some reason) wanna come over?" You texted me right back. "Is that an invitation Laura? Because I'm seriously considering it." Oh! Whoa. Uh...okay! I told my friend I didn't feel like going out, sorry. I gave you my address. Your phone gave you directions because I suck at giving them. You offered to sleep on the floor if you ended up staying late. I already knew you would not be on the floor. You're with me, silly. Drive safe. Oh my god! Oh dear god my room is disgusting. Clean it right now! So I compiled all my laundry and threw it into the closet. I vacuumed. Fucking vacuumed (that was a big deal then). Threw away all my manifesting school paper snack garbage, made the bed (which was just 2 mattresses stacked on each other and then later pushed together on the floor) and I straightened up my room and made it seem nice. You called me. It was the first time we had heard each other speak. I ran down concrete steps to search for your car. You lifted one arm out the window but didn't come out. I ran to the side window. Too excited, careful. I sat beside you in the passenger seat. You had facial hair that I hadn't seen in your pictures. Interesting, but I still thought you were cute. I began to talk very fast and acted quite squirrelly. Control yourself, you fidgety fuck. I suggest we go to the parking lot underneath my complex to smoke, so I would calm down, mostly. So we did and I was afraid to look in your eyes at first. We sat in veils of smoke and the charged energy of what might be. I invited you upstairs- it didn't seem sleazy, only the natural progression of things. It felt comfortable to ask you to be there. Will you be there? Will you stay here awhile, with me? We watched too many movies, three, I think. I couldn't take it anymore so I just cut you off mid sentence at one point, and kissed you. I had to. I was waiting and I knew you were too. Our lips made sense of each other and all the waiting made it feel right to be so close to you. We fell asleep in each others arms. Excitement turned to peace in our sleep. I knew I could love you. And I did. You left the next day-very late in the day. You were there for awhile, but you couldn't stay.
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