Monday, October 22, 2012
Here are my honest feelings. Yes I was surprised to receive a message from you, but excited. I could pretend I wasn't but I said I would be honest. Our relationship was fresh, it felt good. then it became very muddy. Amidst the mud it still fed a craving. It was romantic and exciting. I fought for you, you fought for me, as two flames are prone to do. I think there were battles hidden inside of us and we didn't know how to share them. As easy and natural as it was to be with each other, to have fun, it was harder to communicate what was going on inside. I'm not sure either of us even knew what was going on within ourselves at the time. Even now, I'm writing this indirectly to you because when I write it directly to you I stumble around with my words even more and you misinterpret what I say. I don't know why that is. I appreciate you reaching out I guess, or actually I don't really know if I appreciate it. It affected me more than I'd like to admit when I saw you were with someone else. I thought I was completely apathetic about everything. I already found love again. But feelings are always complicated in the way that they change. These days I feel like finding the love of my life would be finding someone who would enjoy the emotional roller coaster I have to offer, and would not want to leave despite being thrown around on it. I feel flat when we exchange how are you doing messages to each other because we're so beyond that but then again what else do you say...can I say? Life is always interesting to me. So if you ask me how I am, I'll just say I'm interested in life. I start many projects without finishing them. School, work, ideas, goals...I want to be able to finish what I've started...to be the person who does that. I don't think I was that person when I knew you. So many things can change! I don't want to chase happiness, I want to cultivate it by doing (and finishing) what I want to do and living my life this way. I have created my own chaos lately, but overall, I'm very lucky to be where I am. I hope you feel that way too.