Sunday, October 7, 2012
I'm so tired all the time. I hate how much red bull I buy. My day "off" is when I only work at 1 job. I may explode. I'm already hard to talk to and spend time with. I don't know if I should keep pushing through with this. I don't want to give up but I don't want to be miserable, because I have been. Some days I feel this welling frustration and I either want to snap or cry. I don't want the brunt of this to be directed at the people I love. I wish I could do it all. I don't know if I'm made to multitask. I remember my friend reading a study about how people who were considered multi taskers were also more commonly depressed. She said she didn't understand why but I said maybe it's because they can never fully devote themselves to a single task at hand, they can't enjoy something completely because they are also focusing on something else. I'm trying to become more responsible...but I owe it to myself to have a day off, to relax...to enjoy what is going on around me completely, to be with people I love and want to be with. I don't know how much more I can take. It's my own damn fault for creating this suffocating schedule. I find solace in a 2 hour gap between jobs where I just eat and try and tune out my thoughts for a few minutes before knowing I will be working late moving around with heavy drinks and big plates of food, trying to stay quick and smiling, walking an average of 4 miles. I'll be up early in the morning trying to keep a smile and a clean organized desk (clean and organized are words that typically arent featured in descriptions of me) while patients come and go every 10 minutes and I struggle to complete all the tasks in my shift while my manager reminds me that I need to speed up. I don't want to be disappointing but I don't want to wonder about what or who I've been missing. Life goes on. I feel myself slipping away. I don't doubt I'll come back though. Something has to change. I have to change. I also have to go to sleep and wake up early. Take off my hat to put on a different one. Where's the wonder woman hat. Even wonder woman needs sleep and day off. I bet she would still get shit done though. It's kinda sad I dont want to exert much energy when there is a rare day off aka day with only 1 job. Talking aobut this makes me tired. Good night! Good morning. Ask the girl behind the front desk how she's doing then give that waitress at dinner a really nice tip for working hard.