monday night thoughts

Sometimes I'm a binge eater, drinker, lover.
Sometimes my hopes need to be taken from the clearance rack
and placed on higher shelves.
Aim high,
that's what the tattoo on my wrist tells me.
And sometimes I need to relax,
But I don't necessarily want to.
When I relax I forget my thoughts sometimes,
and that's okay every now and then,
and sex and drugs and alcohol all release the hold
of responsibilities grip.
I like to escape in people, its true,
and then I start to get weird and restless.
Sometimes I'm a social butterfly
who flies back to the cocoon every now and then.
Yeah, but you can't stay there.
I hibernate
isolate
complicate
procrastinate
exacerbate...
reiterate
my apologies
until I'm starved of all my ates
only to again fill my plate.
I'm sorry
for being gone so long,
and I'm sorry I'm a lot.
I don't make it that simple.
My parents laugh and shake their heads
and give me hugs
because that's how its always been.
I love the love they gave me
but I'm confused what to do with it sometimes.
I'd like to put it out there,
paint it in front of me,
and then breathe it back in,
sounds like I'm getting high off of love,
sounds like I haven't run out silly things to say,
but it's my own mess and I like it that way.

sunday night thoughts

I like songs & eyes that tell a story,
late night thoughts that creep into your consciousness,
touching with feeling, feeling with passion,
letting those eyes leak every once in awhile.
raising my voice, testing my confidence,
every once in awhile.
I like a real laugh,
a real hug,
a real moment.
I like staying up late for no real
reason.
I get lost in music,
in my mind,
& I get tired of time.
I guess those are reasons.
I want to live in the presence of love.
I want to be harbor to another's heart.
I want a touch to crave & call home.
I want a kiss that makes me forget my surroundings.
I want to bring something to your life
you didn't know was missing.
I want to brighten your vision,
your morning,
whatever, just as long as its yours.
But I must turn this attention towards myself
because that will always be my best love affair
& someone will discover me for who I am
when I'm not looking for a moment,
but enjoying one of my own
because
I get so distracted by love,
& it will see me when it wants,
but come on, don't you look
when something beautiful walks by?

What do I believe?

I don't think God created people in his image. I don't think it's His or Hers for that matter. I don't think God would be called God. Why is it called God? Allah...Zeus and friends..I don't know where the word came from but I've also never studied the Bible or the Koran or any dense religious reading material. I am ignorant in that sense. I am not an atheist. I am not Christian, Protestant, Jewish, Catholic, Muslim. I am not religious.

I am a thinker and a believer. I am spiritual. I am aware of things not everyone is. I feel deeply. I empathize. I know there are two sides to every story. I have caused pain and I have been hurt. I know through pain you may find understanding or appreciation. To me, God is Love and the Devil is Hate.

Love is a universal force that we don't completely understand. We have ideas about it, we've experienced it in different ways, but you can't see it the way someone else does and you never will. It can make you feel like there's nothing else in this world, sometimes too much so. In those cases people who are burned by it may reject it, though they need it in some form or another. A mother's love can lift a 2,000 lb car off her son, just like my mom's friend did. No need to explain super human strength when the rush of adrenaline and fierce loyalty of love prevents broken ribs. Love has the power to give more meaning to your life. I don't believe God punishes anyone directly. Or who knows, sometimes I think about reincarnation and people coming back in order to prove they can be even better than the last life they led. I talked to a friend of mine about that for awhile. I told him I think maybe we just keep coming back until we get it right. Over and over. He smiled and looked at me and said "I don't think I got it right this time." Yeah, me neither, but I would still love to see what's ahead.

what's your #

It was nice to see your sleepy eyed smile
for a little while.
Nice to taste your tongue and thoughts,
to feel your heart and heat,
and it'd be nice to know it some more,
but you tell me it can't be.
Our focus isn't the same vision you say.
You don't have the time or energy
for the kind of love I want,
and you don't know when you ever will.
That sounds like a practical equation
for my impractical ideas of love.
I know you're right,
but I wish you were wrong
and I wish that wasn't a wish.
The business you planted the seeds to
is wrapped around you
and I can see the discomfort of that,
but the growth too.
I feel your longing there,
but you can't let it happen further than that.
You must stay dedicated to your cause,
free of complications or other pressures in your life.
You must not bother yourself with emotional dust.
I see a heavy look framed by furrowing lines,
I see the hours of the day deepening them.
I feel the reach for romance and then a turned back.
I tell you before I walk out of your house
that when you're ready to love, I'm sure it's going to be beautiful.
Your smile is loosely held together
but I kiss that away and forget this conversation
just for a moment.
You say there's a reason why we met,
and I say goodbye.

Okay universe here's what I want, if delivered I will try to be the best me I can be...

A deep and profound love....
I want someone who is:

deep. thoughtful. loyal. funny. fun-loving. generous. kind-hearted. spirited. ambitious. independent. honest. expressive. passionate. intelligent. curious. considerate. empathetic. reflective. quick-witted. romantic. calming. charming. attractive. spiritual. soulful. articulate. sweet.

who makes me feel:

safe. secure. wanted. special. loved. appreciated. important. happy. fun. sexy. stimulated. sexual. profound. challenged. accepted. interesting. comfortable. naturally at ease. a natural connection. capable of almost anything. worth fighting for.

who makes me:

laugh. think. cum. love deeply. sweat. vulnerable. strong.

between us there is:

peace. affection. harmony. chemistry. laughter. understanding. intensity. lots of good sex.


If it sounds like I'm asking for a lot, its because I am.

He doesn't like scary movies or meat,
He likes to stay at home,
He likes to leave his phone behind.
He's sweet and charming,
and then disappears
physically and mentally,
days at a time,
but out of sight out of mind never really worked for me
when my feelings are strong
and I don't know what he feels because he seems careful,
methodical and practical just as in business,
his business, always his business
and how busy this business makes him.
He needs his time to relax,
He needs to decompress after work,
because his mind is still working,
still filing folders,
still making deals,
and I see all that in his eyes.
I see an ambition I don't understand
and I'm not sure I ever will.
I see a logic that has always left me
and sometimes I try to quiet his mind
with a back massage,
calming words,
some weed,
and of course just me entirely,
naked and waiting,
waiting to be pushed into,
but sometimes even that wont do
and I wonder what it is I do this for.
I only remember when there is that
shade of romance in his eyes,
when he seems to be looking deeper than I think,
and I'll be damned if I dont feel a fire in my heart when he kisses me
but fires need to be tended, fires need to grow
they need to consume yet be contained all the same
and I will burn elsewhere if you don't have the strength.
I will catch in someone else's eyes,
but if I don't have to I really don't want to