up randomly at 4:39 am so im embracing it. I haven't had a consistent night's sleep in awhile. There is a lot going on around me. I'm worrying about a lot of people. But there are happy things to come too. I feel disconnected from pens. Maybe because I use them when serving so much that the pen has become a tool for work and not for play or therapy. So I will type. I feel changes occurring in my surroundings and its natural to sort of tense up to this but I think that instead I will release my shifting shoulder blades and just open my arms, mind, and heart to possibility. Today was good; I ended up making a good amount of money and June and Kate were working with me so we all decided to hang out after work. Kate snuck me into her gym (when we were leaving the guy at the front pointed this out but just smiled about it and checked us out) and I sweat out some frustrations. After pushing myself enough, I met up with Kate at the pool. She waved at me all swim capped and goggled and with fuckin cool underwater headphones. We sat in the steam room and then sat in the hot tub and I felt content with how I was spending my time. It felt good that I worked and worked out. I want to be better at this. I think I can be. I want to be more motivated and ambitious. I have such romantic notions of everything falling into place...and while sometimes this is true and does happen, sometimes you have to make it happen. I want to have something published, I want get my real deal teaching license, I want to learn more things, I want to be a better friend and communicator, I want to be better all around. I feel this world is ending more rapidly than many of us would like to admit so I think it's important to have a good energy to oneself. Be someone other people want to be around.
...now juxtapose this to my current morning. I woke up to June making noise getting ready. Everything seems to have settled since then...I felt sleepy& sore yet satisfied. I've been taking a lot better care of myself....food, water, exercise, reminding myself to relax. I feel good but I'm not without concerns. A special someone I'm feeling the distance from. After I woke up I went to the Martinez Starbucks because the Walnut Creek one seemed too pretentious because my hair was all fucked up. As I waited for my drink the young guy barista kept fucking up this one machine (coffee thingy?) and then he just made this funny sound: Uffffrrrrmmmmmm and I started to laugh. No one else did and he just looked up at me and smiled. Then I had the thought : because what do I have to worry about? Lucky that I have such wonderful people I care about to worry about. Lucky I have no pressing responsibilities and a schedule that lets me be free. I am a giant child. I can handle my bills. I have a family that hugs me openly and makes me feel so loved I don't even quite understand it. I have great luck. I have a house I love and fresh air and music and love, endless love inside me. I have so much to be thankful for. Appreciationnnnnnnnnn. Good morning.